Completely Incomplete
by ChaseThisLightWithMe
Summary: Alec and Magnus, two strangers, seem to keep bumping into each other a lot. Their new friendship is just what they both need but, to Alec, there seems to be more to Magnus than he could ever imagine. There's much more to learn than what is simply on the surface. AU.
1. Prologue

**Hi! I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous about posting a new fic, considering 'Polaroids and Memories' is not done.  
This is my first multi-chapter one. I really hope you enjoy it. I'll try to update as regularly as possible too.  
**

**I want to give a HUGE thanks to alicelightwoodbane who has been absolutely phenomenal with me, helping iron out the rough edges of my ideas and being nothing but totally supportive. She would always reply to my stupid questions and reassure me every time I thought what I wrote was shit. She's a beautiful person and an even better writer, check her out! :)**

**In my story, Jace will not be adopted by the Lightwood family; he is just a family friend. I thought it worked better for the future chapters.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments series.**

**Prologue.**

21st of December 2011 (Wednesday)

Snow fell in a lazy manner from the sky onto every uncovered surface, adding a light dusting over the accumulated snow in New York, just like icing sugar on a cake. If one peeled away the sounds of honking cars, scuffling feet and obnoxious voices one would be able to hear a snowflake land amongst its fallen brothers with a gentle sigh. Winter brought forth many days of low, think volumes of grey clouds or weak sunlight that could barely melt the snow or both.

It also meant excessive amounts of Christmas decorations, annoying jingles played on repeat and people bustling in and out of shops, arms filled with presents that will probably go unappreciated come Christmas morning. This practically solidified no chance of these little natural miracles being noticed in the city that never slept.

Alec found himself situated uncomfortably in said swarms of determined people with a number of bags clutched in his fists. He had finally gotten around to beginning and finishing his Christmas shopping in the one outing; even if he defied all odds by completing such a task only days before Christmas.

He had never really cared for gifts – there was not much that he wanted. Spending time in the company of his family, as cliché as it sounded, made him content – and content is what Alec strived for.

He had always preferred autumn over any other season. The heat left him feeling unsettled in his own skin, besides he wasn't much of a shorts and t-shirt kind of guy – his jeans and sweaters usually sufficed. Then, on the other hand, the cold always bit at his cheeks and nose, causing them to bloom and annoying shade of red. Strangely, Alec's appearance suited the cold and winter, his pale complexion and black hair paired with an incredible set of blue eyes made him look like a child of the snow or something out of storybooks. But, to Alec, autumn was just in between both weather conditions and was perfect.

Needless to say, Alec liked 'content'.

He couldn't say the same for his siblings, who love Christmas and basked in gifts; that was why he was carrying a bag stuffed with comic books for Max that he knew he liked and a tiny bag with a box that nestled a pair of earrings for Isabelle. Both of them were younger than him but held their own personal ferocity.

Max was nine and many people commented that he and Alec were practically identical apart from the age difference and the fact that Max wore glasses. He was immensely passionate in his reading. There were not many times that Alec had seen him without his nose stuck in a book or at the very least holding onto a book with a finger slipped in, marking his place while he held the book closed. Max loved comic books and manga.

Izzy was sixteen while Alec was eighteen and she could be downright scary when she wanted to be. No 'I'm-her-big-brother-hurt-her-and-I'll-kill-you' spiel could frighten a boyfriend of hers as well as her wonderful six-inch heels did – which Alec was grateful for the compromise. One of those in the foot, thigh or throat would ensure no harm would or could ever come to her. Alec had at least heard of Izzy piercing a boy in the first two areas and prayed for the soul of the boy that hurt her enough to warrant it in the throat.

Izzy being able to protect herself certainly eased Alec's worries as an older brother, however, as an older brother that still meant he looked out for her, which often lead to Alec being at parties he was not interested in all in the name of making sure there were no boys that might be the one who slipped passed Izzy's strong barriers and good judgement. It usually meant Alec leaning against a wall, nursing a drink or two, brooding. He wasn't a fan of parties – they disturbed his contentment – he was only there for Izzy.

At first she protested, but quickly learned that Alec was good at blending into the background and never intervened unless he had to.

Finally, his parents were mainly too busy working overseas or interstate to be around all that often, not that it really made a difference, all the Lightwood children could look after themselves without any problems, but Robert and Maryse made extra effort to make an appearance on days like Easter, Christmas and maybe extend their stay in to New Years, often excluding birthdays or 'silly' holidays like Halloween.

Alec really didn't mind, they were good parents when each of them were growing up, but once it was evident that the child could survive themselves (or with Alec's help) they'd be out flying to different places for work. Max grew up and matured surprisingly fast in their eyes and Alec was also more of an adult than a child and was therefore able to look after him so they had returned to work sooner than they had with Izzy.

Alec collapsed into a subway seat, his bags pooling around his ankles. There was a man sitting opposite him holding onto a cane with gloved hands and a woman next to him who smelt so strongly of flowers that Alec felt a little suffocated. Inside the carriage was quieter than Alec expected, but he was thankful for the relative peace.

He sighed into his rigid spot, mentally running through each stop that would be made before he had to get off. That was what Alec did. He thought of it as a method to maintain contentment. At school he'd map out each class he had for the day and check them off as well, it was the same for homework, in which Alec was reviewing what work needed to be done before he returned to school at that moment. Like Max always being stuck in a book, Alec found himself constantly drawn into his thoughts: planning, remembering, day-dreaming.

He smiled to himself when one particular thought crossed his mind.

Green eyes.

Black hair.

Subtle smirk.

Magnus.

With Alec's tendency to get lost inside his head, he was not the most extroverted person around and as a result didn't make friends often. That had never been a problem – he was content with that fact. School lunchtimes were spent with Izzy and Jace – a long-time family friend – and Alec met new people through friends and friends of friends. Whoever Jace or Izzy knew, Alec knew. So it was quite a surprise for Alec to have made a friend of his own accord.

They first met several weeks back and since then they had bumped into each other more times than times that they had actually planned to meet.

Magnus was really ridiculous in probably every aspect of the word and Alec meant it in the nicest way possible – Magnus may have even approved of the adjective. His hair was more often than not spiked dangerously, painted with different colours of glitter, shining in all kinds of light. His clothes were something Alec would never ever find himself in, but that did not mean they did not suit the other boy to a T.

He was different from Alec but that did not affect his idea of contentment. Alec found that Magnus was just a really good friend and easy to talk to. A sense of pride occasionally filled him because he had done this all by himself, hence his distracted smiling. It told him that he wasn't as boring as he used to think he was or that he wasn't shadowed by Jace's brilliance.

The subway screeched to a stop and Alec got up from his seat, glad to be away from that overwhelming smelling woman and stepped off the carriage with the man who had the cane. He moved out of the way for the man and readjusted his bags before walking down the last few blocks back to his house where his family were probably scattered all over their home; Max reading, Izzy on the phone, Robert looking over some papers and Maryse actually tidying up the kitchen herself – he really didn't have to be inside yet to know that was how his family were set up.

He threw the bags he was carrying onto his bed and soon followed; looking up to painted white ceiling that had no cracks or discolouring. Once again, his thoughts trailed away from himself, recalling the first few times him and Magnus had crossed paths.

It had taken Alec a long time to realise that no one else could see Magnus.

**Now we know a little about Alec, there will be more Magnus in the next chapter.  
I'll try to keep this short. In the chapters I might give a song that I was listening to while writing, but that doesn't mean it surrounds the chapter. It might be completely irrelevant. However, I'll say it now, that there is one song in particular that is like the 'theme' for this story. When the appropriate chapter comes up, I highly recommend it, although, it comes in towards the end of the fic. Especially if this was a movie. So, some chapters may have songs, some may not (like this one, I couldn't get the perfect song), but I'll tell you if it has any significance to the story :) For instance, the title of this is lyrics from 'Hanging by a Moment' by Lifehouse. I just liked the lyrics, the song isn't related to the story.  
I don't think I have forgotten to mention anything...  
Review! I hope you liked it!**


	2. One, Two, Three

**Again, the brilliant alicelightwoodbane was there the entire way through this chapter, checking it first and giving wonderful pointers.  
This chapter is a set of flashbacks, just so you aren't confused :)  
Enjoy a little bit more of Magnus and Alec.  
Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments series.  
For this chapter I was listening to 'Always Be' by Jimmy Eat World a lot, but it probably doesn't suit this chapter.**

**Chapter 1. – One, Two, Three.**

19th of August 2011 (Friday)

_Alec was revising his calculus work, having already completed his homework but hoping to get ahead. He was in the public library in the far back where a collection of tables were set up to sit groups of four up to eight. Alec sat by himself on a table for four, his books, pens and papers spread out before him in organised disarray, covering at least a third of the table space. _

_Normally, he would not be in a library; he always found them to be filled with noisy whispers, talking or laughter that was never managed well by the librarians, who either couldn't hear the sounds - that were really obvious in the large room that echoed sounds off the walls - or they gave up in trying to be stern with the patrons. Alec couldn't decide which one it was, because the librarians were always really rude to him and only enforced their rules when Alec accidentally broke them. Maybe it was just him._

_In the tables surrounding him there was a couple more intent on looking at each other than the textbook laid out in front of them. Alec was positive that if he looked back five minutes later he would see them kissing. Each table around him was occupied by at least two people, some working together or on the extreme end of the table to be as alone as possible – except for Alec._

_He glanced around the library again; people were milling around in front of shelves with their heads cocked partially to the side, reading the titles of the books, but most people he saw were positioned in front of a computer giggling at something or playing games. Alec wondered if he was the only person actually doing work in the library._

_Then he realised he was in fact people watching, trailing off from his homework all too easily. Clearing his throat quietly and tucking his legs underneath the chair he was in by crossing his ankles, Alec brushed away any lingering, unhelpful thoughts and focused on part 'e' of question seven._

_As the sun began to set, signifying that Alec had spent a decent amount of time dedicated to his Math questions, light beamed between two tall buildings through the window adjacent to him - much like the effect of a plastic slit in a light box. The fading light was orange and poured over his working space and the pleasant heat was just enough to draw Alec out of his own world of derivatives and chain rules again._

_Happily, Alec tracked the little dust motes that leisurely danced in the light beam from the window to his desk._

_He was startled out of his admiration by a boy sitting diagonally opposite from him, a boy who Alec didn't recall sitting down. He seemed about his age and was looking right at Alec. Alec pretended he was looking passed the boy, over his shoulder, as if he was looking for a distraction during his studying, but really he was faking nonchalance to not give away that the boy had scared him half to death. _

_There was no rule about sitting on the same table as someone and it was not like the boy was being disruptive – Alec could not object. It was just a little... unnerving. _

_The boy sat casually at the table, unperturbed, as one would if they were at home, an air of comfort emitted from him. His arms snaked over his chest and he lead forward on them on the table. When Alec sneaked another look, after finishing another question, the boy seemed to still be staring at him._

_Covertly, Alec checked over his shoulders to see if there was anyone behind him, and then remembered that he chose the spot right in the corner and was then faced with two walls that had windows._

_The boy now appeared to be gazing out the window, occasionally sparing a glance at Alec. He had no books, no homework, no laptop in front of him, just his folded arms that he perched on to rest against the table – and Alec found that weird._

_Alec, surprising even himself, faced the boy and said "Yes?"_

_The staring boy looked a little shocked, his eyes – which Alec noticed were a vivid green – widened and he turned around in a similar way that Alec had done before, looking to see if Alec was addressing someone else behind him._

_Something flickered in his eyes before he opened his mouth in an attempt to answer but appeared to have had the words stolen from him just before he could vocalise them. Alec thought he was going to say something but thought better of it._

_After a few too many silent moments under Alec's unsure gaze, the boy finally said "Me?"_

"_Yeah, well, you were looking at me without saying anything for quite a while. Have I got something on my face?" he whispered lowly, to ensure one of librarians could not scold him, raising a hand to rub at his face self-consciously._

_The emotion on his face was unreadable and Alec quickly thought that he may have jumped the gun and imagined the boy staring –surely not. All questionable emotions were erased and a grin graced his features, crinkling his eyes, telling Alec that the smile was well and truly genuine._

"_No, there's nothing on your face, it's looking as good as ever."_

"_But you were staring." Alec pointed out, cursing his straightforward nature because he sounded a little accusing – maybe even angry, which Alec didn't think he was._

"_Sorry," the boy's smile grew "I tend to space out then I might accidentally end up staring at someone and not realise."_

"_That, I can relate to." Alec lifted his lips in a barely-there smile, too busy recalling all the times he had probably done that when he was day-dreaming._

"_I'm Magnus, by the way." He unfurled one of the hands tucked around his chest to give a small wave._

"_Alec."_

* * *

8th of September 2011 (Thursday)

"_Shit, shit, shit." Alec thought as he rifled through the shoulder bag he used for school. He couldn't find his goddamn calculator – he must've left it at school, in his locker, while he was too busy talking to Jace and it just slipped his mind. Tonight he really needed it to finish off the Maths work his teacher set._

_Okay, half of it he did in class. More than half. Fine, he did most of it already. It didn't change the fact that he liked to know where all his belongings were. After all, maybe he did bring it with him and lost it during his walk. He couldn't remember and that was doing his head in._

_He looked up. The sky was a shade of blue that hinted there were grey clouds approaching in the near future. He took a deep breath and told himself 'relax' before diving back to look through his bag._

"_Oof–"_

"_Ow."_

_In his hurry to keep walking while searching his bag, Alec collided straight into another person. He really should have just watched where he was going; now he'd probably get yelled at by some businessman._

_In the little accident the strap of his bag slipped off his shoulder and the whole thing fell to the ground but luckily he didn't topple over to join it on the floor._

"_I'm really sorry sir, I just was–"_

"_We should really keep meeting like this" pearly white teeth shone in front of Alec's vision and disappeared along with a crown of spikes._

_Before he could really compute what had happened he noticed that it was the boy from the library – Magnus – and he was picking up all of the stuff that fell out of Alec's bag._

_Immediately, he dropped down to help him._

_Magnus had already cleared most of it, stuffing it back into the bag quickly, all that was left was a pen, his notebook and–_

"_My calculator."_

_Magnus levelled his eyes with Alec "Is something wrong?" he looked confused._

"_No, I was searching through my bag for it this whole time, that's why I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking and crashed right into you." They both got up. "Sorry about that, by the way. Thanks for collecting my things and finding my calculator."_

_Magnus waved it off "That's alright, I was texting on my phone, so I'm partly to blame." He wiggled the phone so Alec could see._

_Alec really didn't know what to say to that so he smiled sheepishly._

_He took in all of Magnus' attire and by looking at him today he wished he remembered what Magnus was wearing at the library because it seemed that Magnus loved ostentatious clothing. Right now he had deep purple jeans on that seemed to stick to his legs and a very shiny red top primarily covered by a navy coat that reached his knees. Alec guessed the coat may not have been the ideal choice for the outfit as it dulled the combination of coloured clothes but was mainly in use to keep the cool air at bay._

_Magnus certainly stood out from everyone else passing on the street._

"_Give me your phone." Magnus suddenly announced, holding his free hand out._

"_What? Why?" It sounded like something a mugger might say, but Magnus' tone was light._

"_I want to give you my number." At Alec's still blank face, he elaborated "So we can talk, you know become friends, all that jazz? Friends usually share numbers."_

_Alec eventually clicked, a surge of warmth rising to his cheeks in embarrassment and also settling in his stomach at the prospect of having made his own friend._

"_Yeah, sure." He fished it out of the back of his jeans and handed it over._

_A few seconds of button pressing later Magnus guffawed briefly. Alec's stomach dropped. What was on his phone that was so funny? He barely used the device._

"_You keep your own number in your contacts list?" He squared his eyes with Alec's. Alec could see more laughter being concealed by a wavering tight smile. "How often do you call yourself?"_

_Alec smiled shyly; he wasn't even sure himself why he put it there._

"_Don't you remember your number?" Magnus asked lightly, still containing his laughter._

"_I do! It's–"_

"_It's okay; now I can have your number."_

_Alec settled internally, at least his stupidity was useful for something._

_A breeze picked up and bit Alec's ears, ruffling the inky black curls of his hair. He readjusted his strap by hitching it further up on his shoulder. Magnus appeared to have finished with both their phones and slide his own into his coat pocket, giving Alec his._

"_Maybe we can meet again, but next time without injuring ourselves and get to know each other better."_

"_Sure, that would be really great."_

_Magnus smirked and headed off in the direction Alec had come, "See you later Alec."_

"_Bye."_

* * *

6th of November 2011 (Saturday)

_Alec was running late. Unfortunately, he got stuck with talking to Izzy on his way out. She wanted to talk to him about Simon or Jace, or was it both? Maybe it was about homework, perhaps their parents? He didn't really care enough to bring it back to his memory._

_Either way, whatever she had to say made him miss the particular subway train he had planned on taking. His waited for the next one impatiently, tapping his foot and glancing at the time on his phone every minute._

_Two-oh-eight PM._

_Two-eleven PM._

_He launched himself into a carriage and a seat when the subway train arrived. Sitting uneasily, Alec counted down the stops, continuously cursing his lateness – it was so unlike him to be late._

_Today was an average Saturday, clear blue sky, perfect for going for a walk in a park, but it was all lost on Alec who stumbled into the coffee shop he was looking for, eyes scanning the seats. _

_The coffee shop was not big by any means. The counter was opposite the door, so customers could go straight up and order, the menu was set slightly to the left of the register for those who didn't know what they wanted, they could examine it without getting in the way of the line. Sets of tables and chairs curled around the sides deep into the establishment blocked out by walls that hid the kitchen, it fit more people than it actually looked possible. Giant glass windows at the front on either side of the door permitted light to stream in, illuminating the far depths of the shop, at the same time providing a perfect view of life busily continuing on in the streets without you while you enjoyed a cup of coffee. _

_Alec approached the register and ordered, eyes still checking all spots, they caught a flash of sparkly spikes. He thought he should go and at least say 'hi' to Magnus but the girl called out his order already._

"_Sorry I'm late." Alec said as he sat down, "Izzy wouldn't shut up, then Max heard I was going out and began to list all the comic books he wanted me to buy for him, then I was late for the–"_

"_Alec, it's fine, I was a bit late myself."_

"_Really?" Alec's pitch rose, hopeful._

"_No. But I wanted to make you stop beating yourself up because your siblings held you up."_

_Alec couldn't help but laugh at Magnus' words, then he stopped short._

"_Oh, I forgot to ask you if you wanted one" he barely lifted the take-away cup to indicate it "Sorry." he said dejectedly. How was it that he was just forgetting everything as of late?_

"_I already had one while I was waiting for you."Magnus offered a smile._

"_I really am that late, aren't I? How useless." He didn't even want to look at the time now, too afraid he'd feel worse._

"_Seriously, calm down." Magnus laughed and Alec relaxed his shoulders. _

_Their friendship had only strengthened over the past few weeks. Since Magnus didn't go to school they usually tried to meet up at coffee shops or just text. After they met that time on the street neither of them bothered to text until Alec saw Magnus at the library again a few days later. He was just on his way out and Alec was at the tables doing his English homework, so they just waved at each other. He texted Magnus when he got home and it had kicked off from there._

_Alec found that he just really enjoyed Magnus' company because he was separate from his family or friends and school. It was something different to occupy his mind entirely, like a breath of fresh air. They usually spent the time they shared talking about all the things that Magnus was in fact separate from and Magnus told him about how much he wanted to travel and have a bit more freedom. Most of the time it was Alec rambling and Magnus would just laugh or make light comments. _

_Today at the coffee shop was no different. Alec really felt that Magnus was easy to off-load his thoughts to and Magnus seemed happy to talk about it. It seemed like a strange combination, them two, being friends. Then Alec remembered Izzy and Clary, they were so opposite in many ways, but were really good friends. It seemed to be the same for Magnus and him._

_Magnus was almost his complete opposite, the clothes, the hair, the out-going personality, yet they both were comfortable enough to talk about pretty much anything. It was even. Magnus needed Alec's friendship just as much as Alec needed Magnus'._

_Magnus certainly began to contribute to Alec's sense of 'content'._

_This friendship he found with Magnus was rapidly becoming like the ones he shared with Jace or Izzy._

_But all friends have secrets._

**There it is! Chapter 1 done. Shoot a review to tell me your thoughts. I honestly do love reading them. Who doesn't? :)  
Thanks heaps to all of those who followed and reviewed the prologue, it made me super happy that people enjoyed it!  
Mistakes are my own.  
~ChaseThisLightWithMe :)  
**


	3. Bless Your Doubts

**Hey! Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you all enjoyed it!  
I forgot to mention earlier that I am aiming for this to be a fifteen to sixteen chaptered fic.  
So much love and thanks for alicelightwoodbane who helped me a lot with this chapter. I hope I actually fixed all the problems you pointed out.  
****Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments series.****  
For this chapter I picked 'Howl' by The Gaslight Anthem to go with it. I imagined the initial part to be loud and then when the lyrics kick in, the song is quietened so it is just loud enough to hear it.  
**

**Chapter 2. – Bless your doubts.**

20th February 2012 (Monday)

Alec's eyes snapped open.

It was a combination of his alarm and banging in the kitchen that roused him from a dreamless sleep. He groaned into his pillow, rubbing away the remnants of sleep from the corners of his eyes then flung the grey covers from his body into a collected rumpled pile. He'd make his bed later.

Rearranging his sleep shirt (because it was twisted a little from sleep), Alec ambled down the hallway to the source of the banging – which had quietened considerably since he woke up.

"Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes."

"Is that supposed to be irony?" He laughed at his sister. Alec knew quite well he probably looked like he had gone through three turns of the washing machine's spin cycle. His hair most likely had a close resemblance to a black hay bale and his dishevelled arrangement of a t-shirt and boxers were no match for Izzy's singlet and straight-leg jeans covering just the tops of her wedge heels. Alec gratefully noted a jacket of hers draped on a chair near her school bag. At least she would not be in a singlet all day.

"Morning Max" Alec passed Max sitting at the kitchen bench on a stool, reading, of course.

"Hey" was his reply and Alec smiled to himself. Max honestly could not be discouraged.

"Why is everyone up so early? I'm up in time to shower and get ready, aren't I? Yet you both are already ready. Am I missing something?" He eyed them suspiciously. It wasn't the first day of school. It was already a couple of weeks into the term. He did not think there were any specials holidays.

"Some of us put extra effort into looking flawless and if that takes time I am more than willing to get up earlier to get _this_ result." Izzy said, passing a hand in front of herself.

"You look lovely, Iz" Alec replied. He had no problem telling his sister she looked nice and equally had no problem telling her off when skirts were too short or there was too much skin showing. It was an even distribution.

"Got up early to read more" Max said aloud, eyes not ceasing their busy scuttle over the pages.

"That's the most you'll get out of him" Izzy snickered. The older Lightwood siblings were used to Max's unresponsive nature when he was reading. They knew when he was in between books or having a break he was considerably more talkative. Sometimes the siblings would end up being subjected to a long one-sided conversation where Max would explain every detail of what happened in a story he had just finished, filled with explanations of his favourite characters and parts.

This sometimes occurred during dinner, where Izzy and Alec ate, silently agreeing or asking stupid questions like 'Wait, what? Didn't that character die in the previous book?' this would only set Max off again. He would roll his eyes and dive into more descriptions, forgetting his food because of his distracting excitement. Other times, he was a little sneakier, going into Alec or Izzy's room while they were doing something and sitting on their bed, waiting for them to curiously ask him what was happening.

That simple question was just like handing over the Olympic torch. Max could go on forever.

The older two did not complain or particularly care. Max just wanted to share his enthusiasm over books with them. It did not interfere with Izzy doing her make-up or Alec re-reading his notes. Even so, they were pretty sure Max wouldn't care if they were not even listening. As long as there was another body there while he spoke.

Alec had just finished making himself a cup of coffee when he asked Izzy what was for breakfast.

She replied "Nothing for you. I made myself food and Max had cereal, I saw him eat it. Fend for yourself."

"That explains all the banging." Alec mumbled while setting two pieces of bread in the toaster, pushing the lever down and adjusting the knob on the darker side of four. Alec liked his toast just on the brink of being essentially dead.

* * *

Showered and dressed in a pair of jeans and dark grey long-sleeved t-shirt, Alec was still waiting for his siblings, despite waking up after them. Max was looking for his other shoe and he wasn't sure what Izzy was doing.

He checked his watch. They were not late.

Yet.

Finally, he herded them in the car and backed out of their driveway. Their parents had bought a brand new car for them when Alec had started driving. Not because the Lightwood children were spoilt, in fact, they had to share the car – although, Izzy did not drive it much, she usually got rides with friends if they were going out and Max obviously did not drive, so the car was kind of Alec's. It was only new to ensure while they were scattered over the world on business trips their children were not hindered by car problems. They figured a new car would eliminate that issue for the most part. However, Alec was pretty much responsible for taking his siblings from 'A' to 'B' if they could not get there themselves and picking them up as well.

They dropped Max off at school first, which was only a ten minute drive from Izzy and Alec's school, give or take a few minutes, depending on traffic.

He rolled the car to a stop in the student parking lot and Izzy was practically out of the car before it stopped, parting with a cheery "See you at lunch Alec!" and joining some girls at the front doors.

Alec sighed, putting the car in park. He got out and grabbed his bag from the back seat of the car, slinging it over his shoulder.

The wind had picked up from the night before, messing with his hair so that it fell into his eyes and whipping the school flags around on their posts that proudly displayed the school's emblem on different coloured backgrounds. The girls milling around in the car-park, chatting about boys and the weekend, squealed, rushing inside so their hair wouldn't be 'ruined'.

Alec stepped up to the doors and pushed one open, readjusting his bag for the third time since he slipped it on his shoulder at the car. He made it halfway to his locker when two hands clamped down onto his shoulders from behind, making him jump at the surprise.

The person sprung onto Alec's back and Alec quickly caught his balance so they didn't tumble to the ground together.

"Good reflexes there, Lightwood," the boy's voice sounded, then he jumped off Alec.

"Or maybe you have the subtlety of a herd of elephants." Alec grinned and turned around. Jace Wayland, family friend of the Lightwood's for as long as Alec could remember, reciprocated the grin.

"Is that a fat joke?" He looked mildly offended.

"You would know."

"I am not fat."

"Alright Jace, we know how sensitive you are about your body." Alec joked.

Truthfully, Jace was no where near fat. He was shorter than Alec but made up for it in muscle. The girls just simply drooled after his golden hair, strong jaw and devious smirk – and Jace knew it.

Alec had to give him credit; he was not much of a tool about it – not letting his known good looks go to his head. Although, the key word being 'much'.

As much as Jace could break every girl's heart in this school he was usually really nice and gently turned down the girls who asked him out.

There was a time when he used to be a straight-up prick and dated for the sake of dating, flirting with anything that moved. Then, out of the blue, he began to lie low on the dating scene, spending more time with his friends than in the Janitor's closet with a girl.

Alec guessed it had something to do with his parents breaking up and getting back together. He had asked, but never pushed – it was Jace's business, and personally, everyone liked this Jace better, including Alec – he was much more genuine now.

Jace slapped him on the back and they continued down the hall to their lockers. There was only one locker between both of theirs and that usually lead to them talking right in front of them, blocking other people's lockers as well as forgetting the time and being late for class.

The bell rang.

"Shit. Better get my stuff." Jace began "If I'm late to another one of Mr Roland's classes I'm pretty sure he'll kill me."

"There are laws that would prevent him from doing that."

"Yeah, but 'accidentally' running me over in the car park would do it for him."

"See yah."

"Pray I come back!" Jace smirked and jogged off to his class.

Alec lifted his bag into his locker and pulled out the stuff he took home and plucked out the necessary books for his first two subjects; Maths and Physics.

His next two subjects were Business Management and Chemistry with a double of English after lunch. Overall, an acceptable day.

* * *

"Hey Alec"

Alec dropped down his Chemistry books onto the white lab tables, glad he took a detour to his locker to drop off the Business Management books because lugging around the books for both subjects would certainly end up giving back issues. As if the school enforced such physical labour.

He sat down heavily in the high science chairs. "Hey, am I late?"

"Nah, you're lucky. Mr Chase was here but he went out back to get supplies, he won't know."

"Thanks Olivia."

She laughed "How come you're late anyway? You actually like Chemistry."

Alec opened up his notebook "Dropped off my Business books."

"What a wuss." She laughed again.

He narrowed his eyes at her, but his smile broke through. "They're heavy." She was about to say something – probably more mocking – but he interjected with "Especially if I have to carry them from the English buildings all the way to the Science block at the back of school."

"Whatever." She replied, shaking her head, but her previous laughter still played on her lips, lightening her comment.

Olivia sat with Alec in every chemistry class, namely because there were no more seats and also all the students stayed in the same spots from the beginning of the year without the enforcement of a seating plan – it was much the same in every one of Alec's classes.

Neither of them had close friends in chemistry and Alec knew Olivia through one of his friends so on the first day he shyly asked if he could sit with her and that was how it had been since.

She was a pretty good science partner. Not like the person who sat back and did nothing, just waiting for the results in order to copy them on their prac sheet. She knew her stuff and was always willing to participate in demonstrates in front of the class with the teacher –which was probably the reason why the teacher liked her so much. Although, Alec had caught her a number of times texting on her phone in class. Occasionally, she would be caught out by Mr Chase too by her inability to answer his spot questions.

Over time, they had gotten competitive and after tests they'd check who got the better score. Most of the time it was Alec, but she had only been five percent off. One time, she beat him and Alec didn't hear the end of it.

They didn't see each other much outside of school, Alec did recall two or three times working together for an overnight prac report in the library and she had been there when Izzy or Jace organized group get-togethers.

Suffice it to say they had become quite decent friends through their shared chemistry class.

She had begun talking about the class she had previously to a boy sitting at the table beside theirs, checking every so often to see if the teacher had cottoned on to her whispers. Alec tuned the class out, he wasn't particularly interested in such trivial information and Mr Chase was answering questions from the work that he set the night before for students who didn't understand.

It was probably a not wise to ignore the class.

His thoughts fell straight to the one thing he was hoping to evade.

It was Magnus. Alec really couldn't stop thinking that something was wrong with his friend. It was not something he had ever felt before. He knew protectiveness, there was barely a day that went by that Alec did not feel that towards his own siblings. He knew anxiety. He knew nervousness. But what he was feeling was not that. It was completely new. Born from the little things he began to notice about Magnus. At first he would disregard them, but then it became something Alec did not think he could ignore. It was really taking over Alec's thoughts.

Maybe he'd just ask Magnus tonight.

* * *

"You really have got to stop mumbling the answers under your breath" Olivia was saying as they filed out of chemistry. "I heard you give every right answer, but you let people like Matt stick his snooty hand up and answer it. I swear if I have to hear his bored voice give another answer like it was a chore to do it, I'll shove a test tube down his throat."

Alec knew exactly what Olivia meant, "I don't bother putting my hand up because when I do someone will just call it out."

"Then call out." She made it seem like the simplest thing on the planet.

"It doesn't work that way. If I call out I get ignored for calling out, lose-lose situation. I don't mind."

"It's because you observe the school rules way too diligently, you're an easy person to reprimand for doing the wrong thing." She waved to him when they separated down a split in the corridor and began talking to a girl.

By the time Alec made it to his locker from the science rooms then to the cafeteria Izzy and Jace where already there, as well as Jace's girlfriend, Clary, and her best friend, Simon. There were a few others seated along the table who were friends with at least one of the four but Alec was yet to become more than acquaintances with them. He could not even recall the names of half of them.

Clary and Simon were essentially a two-for-one package. She brought him to the table once she and Jace started going out and he was not annoying so no one really cared. Truth be told, he was a complete geek but seriously down to Earth. Max loved talking to Simon.

Clary was the one who introduced Olivia to the group as well as a few others. She was quite sweet and maybe another reason for Jace's transformation being maintained. She and Izzy hit it off surprisingly well – Clary's fiery red hair matched Izzy's fiery personality.

"So, Alec, I'm going out with Clary Shopping and stuff," she glanced at Clary, "can we borrow the car?"

Alec mulled this over for a moment, Izzy and Clary sat there completely unsure of Alec's response.

"Sure." He turned to her. "But, remember Max was going to a friend's house after school today, I was going to take him, but you can. You can also pick him up when he wants to be picked up. You should have plenty of time to shop and do whatever it is that you girls do."

"I can take Max." Izzy said quickly "I won't forget. But, what about you?"

"No problem, I'll walk home, it's fine."

Clary said "Sweet. Thanks Alec" from across the table.

The girls shared excited glances.

"Did Mr Roland kick your ass?" Alec inquired, diverting from the chatter between the girls.

"Nah, managed to slip in just in time." Jace grinned like he had a secret, but Alec knew he was just satisfied with averting trouble.

The rest of lunchtime was spent with similar conversations about classes or after school. Alec made some additions, but as usual kept to himself, slowing eating his food, he'd make interested facial expressions to remain a participant but his mind was elsewhere.

* * *

Alec got into double English early and fished out his phone, tapping out a reply to a text he had gotten from Magnus earlier that day.

'**I guess we can hang out; I don't have to take my brother to his friend's house. I'm free for the afternoon.'**

The teacher walked in just as Alec finished and pressed 'send'. Jace came in behind her.

"Hey, you got here quick." He sat right beside Alec.

"Had to text someone."

"You can't even break the rules properly. Every other kid will do it during class, but you go out of your way to be there early to do it."

Alec merely shrugged and got elbowed by Jace in return.

"Your sister and my girlfriend," Jace started, already changing the topic, "spend way too much time together. I think they are plotting evil things."

"Maybe against you. But they like me."

Jace snorted. "Yeah, especially after your generous stunt at lunchtime. What was up with that?"

"It saved me from taking Max, I get a free night" Alec made it sound like the most logical option.

"Alec, you sly-dog. I wish I was free to hang out with you, but I'm going out to dinner with my parents. Don't know what for though..." he trailed off.

"Have fun." Alec slipped in quietly before the teacher could snap at them for talking.

* * *

Alec was actually really glad with how after school worked out. He and Jace took their time talking about the essay their English teacher set in front of their lockers. By the time they made it out of the school doors, Clary zipped in between their elbows, pecked Jace on the cheek and ran to the Lightwood car, where Izzy was waiting in the driver's seat.

As they drove passed the boys Alec reminded her not to forget Max.

They stopped by Jace's car, "I'd give you a ride, but we live on opposite sides..." He waved his finger left and right to indicate that Alec lived further away than Jace was prepared to drive.

"It's cool, I might end up stopping at the library, see you tomorrow."

Jace gave him a final wave and drove off turning right out of the school while Alec walked left. Depending on how fast one walked, it could take anywhere between forty five minutes to an hour to walk from school to the Lightwood house. By Alec's speed, it looked like he'd make it closer to an hour.

Now that all his friends had left for home he began to realise how good it was to have the distractions of mindless chat or school work to keep his mind busy. All alone walking home he felt the thoughts he was trying to avoid all day begin to invade.

He was battling with himself internally, yet again. 'Yet again' because he had spent the past few weeks thinking and over-thinking about something he could not even explain properly. It was beginning to mentally wear him out. It just seemed absurd.

Half way home, he saw a set of sapphire-blue jeans stretched out on the pavement, the upper half of the person that they belonged to was obscured by a shrub.

He knew those quirky pants.

Magnus was leaning against a stone fence, his hands casually set back to brace his upper body.

"Was walking to meet you," Magnus started, "but then I figured you'd walk by anyway."

Alec slapped him on the back when he pushed off from the fence and joined him.

"Do you want to come by my place? It saves me from going out and at least I can do my homework."

"Is that really all you think about? Can't even spare a little while to have coffee? Shouldn't you be going to parties and all that stuff that high schoolers do?" Magnus inquired, clearly ignoring the first part of Alec's statement.

"Not when you have to cook dinner for your two siblings."

"Point made" Magnus amended.

"So, do you want to? No one's at home, it'll just be like a coffee place, just without the coffee place." Alec laughed, wanting to sweeten the deal so he could talk to Magnus himself without any interference.

"Sure."

They walked the rest of the way, Magnus just talking about his day. Alec really didn't have much to say. He preferred listening to Magnus anyway.

At the Lightwood home Alec let them in, they both kicked off their shoes and Alec got them drinks. He dropped his bag on a kitchen chair and Magnus sat on a chair next to it. Alec busied himself on the other side of the kitchen bench, not really looking at Magnus. Magnus looked around the house politely, taking in the tidiness that he would not associate with three people under the age of eighteen. It was most likely Alec's doing.

Alec looked up, "Magnus, can I ask you something?" It was not an uncommon way for Alec to bring up a topic. Most of the time he would used it to hedge before he got the courage to straight out ask the questions that he thought were embarrassing, like, 'do you think I'm over protective?' or 'how do you cook spaghetti?' Alec was a little self conscious like that. Sometimes he'd just ask Magnus questions on how he looks after his siblings because he never thought he was doing a good enough job or they had said an offhand remark that he took to heart.

So Magnus naturally answered with, "Shoot."

Alec's brain told him to swallow the question down and ask something completely different, but there was a small part that figured he may as well be as blunt as he usually was with everything. Magnus was no stranger to Alec's straight-forwardness.

"Why am I the only person who can see you?"

**I just love that 'I am not fat' line that Jace had, so it had to make an appearance. I know there was a bit of Jace and my character Olivia, instead of Magnus but I needed to introduce everyone. :)  
Thanks again to everyone for their reviews, favourites and follows! I got back to everyone pretty late because of all the busy-ness of Christmas.  
Mistakes are my own.  
Please review! I loved reading all your reactions and guesses about Magnus in the last chapter, it was really fun.**


	4. I Just Need Some Time

**Hey! I'm back!  
Again, alicelightwoodbane helped me through all my little freak outs about this chapter. There were a lot. Trust me. I'm lucky she's still talking to me. She's amazing. :)  
Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments series.  
The song for this chapter is 'Time' by The Maine.**

**Chapter 3. – I just need some time.**

20th February 2012 (Monday)

Magnus stopped. His fingers were playing around his unopened can of soda, but they stilled at Alec's questions, curled around it like a cage.

_Why am I the only person who can see you?_

He was obviously not expecting that question. Alec tried to stand his ground by keeping his feet planted firmly on the floor, shoulder width apart, his arms bracing his body against the kitchen bench.

Alec could never say he was one hundred percent sure of his belief but they had known each other for sometime now and Alec believed their friendship to be quite solid.

At least that was what he thought.

If he was correct, Magnus had put a lot of effort into ensuring that Alec could not find out sooner. They spent most of their time in quiet coffee shops, where they would not be disturbed often. Alec was only working on a few leads – such as the waitress at one place asking _only_ Alec if he wanted another coffee, not Magnus. Now that all of his thoughts were racing at this very moment in the silence Magnus sat in, it could have been poor service on the waitress' behalf.

Magnus' silence did not help him determine if he was right. Now all he could think of was how stupid that question sounded. This was not right. Just because a few people ignored Magnus did not make him invisible.

Alec attempted to recall every interaction he had had with Magnus, most of which were through texting. So that led Alec to a dead end, again. Honestly, why didn't he think this out further before opening his idiotic mouth?

It was just a persistent thought in his brain. Constantly eating up any other thoughts to make it almost impossible for Alec to concentrate on what else was important. Magnus appeared, on the outside, as a people person, with so many quirks; he was like a Christmas bonbon.

The only problem was that Alec could not shake his strange feeling that Magnus was not complete or totally himself with Alec, even if he was buoyant enough to challenge a balloon. But maybe that personality was a distraction from what was really underneath. To keep Alec focused on the surface. There was no family that he spoke of or real roots. It was like there was nothing tying him to the Earth. So Alec was not sure where his little idea came from but he latched on to it like a leech.

He became a little more observant, but nothing really confirmed it.

The only thing Alec believed to be suitable was that Magnus had not visited his house before this and he was essentially non-existent to his friends. They knew of a 'Magnus' from Alec but had never met him before – and being friends for a few months now, Alec thought that a bit odd.

Alec pieced together the few times that they had met 'in public' and they were covertly perfect. The library was perfect since they would have to talk quiet, therefore no one would hear them – rather Alec talking to himself. And on the street, people would not question strange behavior that they saw there.

This was stupid. He was wrong. He should not have said anything. There was no proof what so ever. The only proof he had was the feeble idea in his thoughts that seemed to blow away with the wind now that he was confronted with a very still Magnus.

Alec chanced a second glance at Magnus only to be startled by his pair of green eyes staring up at him through a dark arch of lashes.

"Magnus," Alec tried, but it actually ended up sounding like he was choking on something.

How was one meant to interpret total silence and stillness? Magnus was giving Alec _nothing_. In the tense moment Alec found himself hoping this would not destroy the friendship that they had. Alec imagined it to be a strange thought to cross his mind given what was happening, but he could not explain it. Magnus was a good friend. Invisible or not.

"Where did you – When did you – Alec?" Magnus' voice was much more sober than Alec had ever heard it, it sounded like he was grasping at straws, then finally cracked on his name. He almost would have thought that Magnus did not say it at all. Another person inhabiting Magnus' body instead.

For an unknown reason, Alec figured it was probably best to speak in low voices. The situation seemed to call for it. "I don't really know." He whispered, unintentionally "I think I just put things together over time. Are you saying I'm right?" If Alec thought his mind was spinning before, he could not describe it now. "Magnus?"

Finally, Magnus eased his head into his hands. They threaded into his spiked hair so that they peeked through the gaps of his fingers. There was a barely perceptible "Yes," so quiet that the stagnant air that had settled swallowed most of the sound.

The kitchen fell into a deeper silence. The dust motes that Alec used to fondly observe were the only disturbance. Magnus kept himself essentially hidden from Alec and Alec stood unwaveringly, not daring to make a sound. The gravity of what Magnus had said rooted him to the spot and he did not want to test if movement would cause him to be crushed under the weight that was beyond Earth's limits or drift away.

When Alec brought his attention back to the kitchen he could hear Magnus mumbling "I should have known; I'm so stupid" softly over and over.

Slowly, Alec inched toward the seat that was on the other side of his bag, so that it was Alec, his bag then Magnus. He had felt a sudden urge to sit down.

He did not want to push his luck, but Alec still asked, "Why?"

"I don't know!" Magnus practically exploded. At least that is what it sounded like in comparison to the suffocating silence that was previously encompassing them. "You weren't meant to see me! No one has. It's been this long. Then I just sit opposite you in the library and you begin talking to me!"

"That's why you looked surprised" Alec added, thinking of the library, but Magnus did not hear, he was still talking.

"It was different for me! I didn't know what to do. What would you have done? I didn't mean for you to find out. It was just... nice to have someone to talk to." During his little speech he had gotten up and paced all around Alec's kitchen, not looking at Alec, while Alec had his eyes locked on Magnus. Alec could see Magnus floating away from him because he was so untethered to this world.

"Alec, I'm sorry." Magnus' voice softened "This is too weird. I'll–"

"You'll do what?" Alec interrupted. Magnus stopped walking. "No one can see you, but me. Then it shouldn't be a problem" Although, as Alec spoke the words he was coming up with all the problems associated with what he was accepting. His brain said 'no' but everything else fought against reason and saw Magnus as the friend he had been to Alec for all these months. He easily could have disappeared from Alec's life, but he didn't, there was something equally present for Magnus as well, and it could be the company or perhaps something else that Magnus would not share. "Why can't we keep doing what we were doing before? It worked and–" Alec did not want to sat out loud that he just _really_ did not want to lose Magnus' friendship. Somewhere, Alec thought that wasn't this the part where his brain should scream at him that this was right, accept Magnus and deal with it together, but it didn't.

"It's just ridiculous, Alec, you probably don't even believe it fully yourself. You think you do, but what about tomorrow? Do you know if you'll feel the same?"

"Tell me." Alec said.

"Tell you what exactly?"

"There must be a reason behind why only I can see you. You must be _somewhere_."

"I am most definitely here on Earth, Alec."

"Well, you seem pretty okay with no one else being able to see you. Was there a time when people could see you?" Alec struggled to put the words together. It was not something that seemed real at the moment, or ever.

Magnus sighed and slipped onto the arm of the sofa in the living room that connected with the kitchen.

"What? Now you can't tell me? First you're silent and then you get angry now again with the nothing." He felt frustration creep in.

"I wasn't" Magnus began loudly, but realised that it contradicted with what he was about to say so he lowered the tone of his voice, "Angry. Just... caught off guard. Look, it's going to seem completely weird, but by that look on your face you either won't sleep or shut up until I tell you. So, before this happened I was a warlock. I _am_ a warlock. I belong to the Downworld and warlocks are just a facet of it. I used to be quite powerful and influential. The High Warlock of Brooklyn I was. And with such a title came envious people. A small group took action to remove me from my position and take the title. I'm here in this sort of purgatory, I guess. Everything is around me but I'm not a part of it anymore. What they didn't seem to realise was that power did not come with the title. I became who I am through experience, not some business card. They were more than thoroughly disappointed when nothing had changed for them after they took my place.

"It was poetic justice, but I soon realised no matter how fitting it was and how much I could revel in their failure; I was still alone in the world. I have no_ trace_ of who I was before it happened. It's like I am human now."

Magnus shared his story with a strange dazed expression, as if he were entranced by the flickering flames of a non-existent fireplace. It was evident that he had difficulty outright telling Alec. He himself had his own internal battle while going through the motions of his explanation. He would struggle on words, choking on them because the memory was too vivid or simply his anger swelled too much. Not once did he even flick a glance at Alec.

Alec had never seen Magnus like this before.

He didn't know what Magnus would be thinking. Perhaps of what he could do to get away from Alec as soon as possible or maybe he was thinking about what Alec was thinking.

"I'm neither here nor there. It's like being a ghost" Magnus broke through another patch of silence. "I can't even physically _feel_ the same. It's just not the same. It's like having the thinnest sheet of glass between me and the world." He sighed despondently. Alec didn't know what exactly 'here' or 'there' was, but he was sure it was terrible. "I _can_ feel you whenever you do simple things in greetings or whatever, but it's like half the pressure of the touch is missing."

Something in Alec instinctively clenched, even if he did not fully understand. All he knew was that Magnus was holding onto this burden for God knows how long and he would take it upon himself to make this easier for Magnus. There was no doubt Magnus did not believe anyone would take this information well. Alec could do that, though. He could act normal. After all, he had done it for this long, right? Just with his mild suspicions.

Sometimes Alec really hated his mind's voice. It was just like having a devil and an angel on either shoulder, but one part is telling him all the practical options and the other urges him to the things that will help others and benefit them – which essentially was the devil that caused him to make decisions through his heart that more often than not led to unwanted results. People should not make decisions based on their emotions.

_You can accept this, Alec_ he thought _it won't be hard, Magnus will appear as any other person to you. Only no one else can see him. That doesn't matter_ he redirected harshly in his head. _Magnus deserves a break, you can be the friend he needs by being okay with this. It's not that hard to forget when you can actually see him in front of you. There is no way it will be any different. Just push aside some facts._

"Alec?" Magnus had gently been calling his name for a while now, believing that the boy had gone into shock.

Alec jolted. "Sorry, sorry. I was just thinking."

Magnus eyed him cautiously.

"Magnus, why don't we forget this? We can still be friends. I mean, isn't it up to me? There's no danger for you. No one can see you," Alec noticed Magnus flinched at his direct wording again. "It's me who'll look funny talking to no one." He forced a short laugh, in which Magnus contributed to.

Magnus did not really know what to say at the moment. All his thoughts had collected into one and Alec's words speared right through them until it jumbled everything up further. Alec deserved to know everything, but nothing constructed itself in a way that could be expressed properly. He was still missing some information. When Alec's mind was clearer maybe they could talk again. They had overcome the big issue, and that was enough for one night.

"I also didn't mention that while being like this I can, I don't know what to call it, _transport." _He all but blurted to Alec, cursing that explosion of words that he barely registered that it was him saying them.

"Now, you're sounding like a cryptic idiot."

He huffed. "We didn't bump into each other on the street accidentally. I sort of... appeared in your way. So we could talk." Then Magnus disappeared. "And I hit you." Now he was behind Alec.

What was Alec meant to make of this? He jumped when Magnus was behind him. As much as he wanted to be 'okay' with Magnus, he brings something up that only makes it more difficult. It was like having both of his sides being pulled at in the opposite directions, creating a clean tear in the middle, leaving Alec a little lost and completely apart. His intentions were good, so he reeled away from that feeling, trying to focus on what was real, which was ironic since he was staring at Magnus and he couldn't decide what he thought.

But Magnus did not need the only person he could talk to to start freaking out and throwing things. It was not Magnus' fault. An open-mind was ideal. Right now he can be the friend Magnus needs and be the same person.

"Alright, you bastard. Thanks for hitting me."

"I gave you your calculator back! What else was I supposed to do? You're the first person I have a conversation with in a long time. Do I just leave it there?"

"Does that mean you took it? It was _definitely_ not in my bag, I know it." If what Magnus was saying was true, then he easily could have gotten to Alec's locker or bag and taken the calculator, 'disappeared', and then purposely bump into Alec on the street.

Magnus looked down.

"Your silence says it all. Guilty as charged."

The tanned boy suddenly laughed, drawing out Alec's laughter with him. It became just like nothing had happened. Easy. Around them the world gave a sigh during their laughter, as if their quiet, tense conversation was slowly drawing in breath without releasing any and building up to something neither could understand. The laughter broke it all.

Now, Alec knew he could do it. He would _have _to do it. But it still seemed better now that he held some belief in himself. And that what was most important.

Their laughter died down gently and a thought crossed Alec's mind.

"What does it mean now?" Alec could almost see parts of his life changing with his decision. But he did not want to let it change him. Life threw unexpected things at you and as much as what Magnus had just told him was unbelievable. His desire to keep their friendship outweighed most things. He could not just simply forget all the times Magnus listened to him, helped him, understood him.

It was his time to believe him.

"Now I don't have to pretend to conveniently be in the right places at the right time, I guess I can 'check in' whenever." He gave Alec an evil smirk. "Like school."

**Urgh, okay, I was totally wary about posting this. Tell me what you thought. Were you disappointed? Annoyed? Upset? Still intrigued? Didn't expect it?  
Please bear with me for this fic though! Your support has been incredible so far.  
Thank you for the reviews, favourites and follows for Chapter 2. You guys made me so happy. :) I tried replying to you all, but for some reason it wasn't sending them? So, sorry if I didn't get to you, but thank you SO MUCH!  
Mistakes are my own, I've read this so many times to get it right that it just became too much, you know? Still, hope you enjoyed!  
Review!  
x  
**


	5. There's A Chance

**Hey, sorry this was a day late! I was out all day yesterday and was about to post it late in the night, but remembered I hadn't checked over for mistakes properly, so I thought it wasn't very nice for you to read it if it was riddled with mistakes.  
Alice gave some kick ass advice for this chapter that helped make this chapter_ feel right_ and be complete. Love ya!  
Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments series.**  
**I don't have a song for this chapter.**

**Chapter 4 ****– There's a chance**  


21st of February 2012 (Tuesday)

Alec had protested about Magnus intervening at school, but he sort of cackled in response and Alec could not decipher if it were punctuating a promise or mocking Alec for actually believing him.

They had settled into the evening with a few more explanations about Magnus' 'situation' and some contagious laughter – which Magnus was the instigator of. Alec thought that maybe Magnus was a little more light-hearted after unloading his figurative baggage and expressed it through his giddiness.

However, when the sun sunk just below the houses in the neighbourhood and an orange glow warmed the sky, Magnus had sobered.

_"Alec, thank you." Magnus kept his eyes down and the smile on Alec's face froze and slowly fell, attempting to accommodate his features to fit the now serious atmosphere._

_"Mag– "_

_"No, you've been really good about this. I know it's not tomorrow yet. And I'll prepare myself for you to actually get some sense over night," Alec smiled to himself at that, "and then tell me to never bother you. I can't let you pretend to forget it all either, that is hardly fair." Magnus' eyes were swimming with emotion. "I don't think you know how much this means to me, to just simply talk to you, to feel that extra scrap of normal."_

_Alec knew he could not fathom what Magnus was feeling. It must have been terribly lonely and he could_ not_ blame Magnus for wanting to clutch onto what he had. But his willingness to simply leave Alec if he wished displayed evidence of maturity from years that had not marked themselves on Magnus' features. Magnus had mentioned his age well exceeded his appearance, but it was extremely hard to compute that information when looking at his smooth, even skin and boyish smirk._

_Magnus stared at him from the couch, analysing every move Alec made. Here, Alec could see how he and Magnus had made such good friends. Magnus was a thinker and worked off balance. He had spent years not knowing what to do with himself, on an off weighted see-saw, watching life pulse on without him and then he came along, it became the only thing that was 'normal', as Magnus had put it. It was just like how Alec strived for contentment – to not feel lost._

_Magnus had nothing. But found a faint glimmer of hope in Alec. Hope that he could find a way out of his mess. They both wanted to be normal._

_"Stop saying it like I will disappear tomorrow."_

_Magnus locked eyes with him, his mouth pursing into a straight line. "You might."_

Those two words told him of the distrust in people that Magnus had developed. Not that Alec could blame him. Being condemned to such a life would not have people envious. His tone also warned Alec not to press any further about the topic.

If Magnus wanted to believe that Alec would run. So be it.

He would prove him wrong.

* * *

"Alright, Olivia, come on up and prepare these acids for us.

Yet again Olivia slipped off the high chairs and practically bounced down the row of tables to the front of the room, shrugging into a lab coat and sliding the compulsory protective goggles on.

The students chatted to one another, uninterested in watching her pour out small samples of liquid into a beaker them use a pipette to transfer exactly ten millimetres to another beaker containing calcium carbonate. Alec furiously wrote down everything that the teacher had scribbled on the board behind them, trying vainly to replicate it in his much neater and organised hand. The teacher's scrawl was often messy but familiar after being in his class for so long.

Alec had his prac report to finish before class ended which was easy since it was only about rates of reactions and he just had to finish off copying the questions on to a separate sheet of paper. Most answers were just from the text-book. As he wrote he mentally constructed a table of the classes he had been to or was going to today, slotting in what homework he had and which upcoming subjects were likely to give him homework.

He already had the prac report essentially done, more than any of the other students, who were still talking. His health teacher did not set any work today and he already finished the physics questions in class.

"Who's she?"

Alec jumped, his pen jerking across the page, leaving an unattractive line across his immaculate page. He forced himself to not jump again when he saw Magnus sitting in Olivia's chair. Actually, he didn't think 'sitting' accurately described it. Magnus was more _lounging _in the chair. His legs were stretched up on to the table and he reclined easily into the seat.

Alec, thankful for the class still chatting, shot back in a whispered tone, "I thought you were more or less joking about visiting me at school." No one would be able to hear him in his quiet voice, but Magnus.

"I chose the 'or less' option." He smirked at Alec, making himself right at home in the completely unaware classroom.

Today, he wore dark blue jeans that could be mistaken for black, which were stuffed into his haphazardly tied up black, thick soled boots. His black jacket was decorated with zips and small chains. It covered the silver t-shirt that hung loosely at Magnus' chest. As usual, his hair was an eruption of spikes that were tipped with silver glitter to match his t-shirt.

"You really can't do this. It's school. Somewhere where I need to pay attention and not talk to someone who tells me they are a warlock."

Magnus saw the glint of humour in Alec's eyes at the jab about him being a warlock. "No you don't, you know this stuff. All of it. Either way, nothing is being taught, it's a demonstration. And you didn't answer my first question."

Alec huffed, but replied to Magnus. He was not looking at him, instead, busying himself with fixing the error on his page, no thanks to Magnus. As he did that he said, "That's Olivia, a friend, and my chemistry partner."

Magnus' green eyes travelled up to the teacher's bench where he and Olivia were fiddling with differently shaped glasses. "I've never seen her before. Isabelle, yes. The blonde, yes. And Max. And the red-head girl with her friend. You don't hang out with her often?"

"No, we're more 'in school' friends."

"Hmmm." Magnus entertained that notion briefly.

Alec quickly looked at Magnus, trying to remind himself that, to everyone else there, he would be looking at Olivia's recently vacated seat. He ducked his head to look back at his book in front of him; he needed to at least _appear_ that he was not talking to a chair; he'd just have to talk to Magnus while keeping his head down. "Seriously, whether I know it or not, you'll have to refrain from visiting at school."

"How about if I stay really quiet and don't bother you?" Could Magnus honestly be trying to negotiate with him like a child? "Pretty please? Cherry on top?"

Alec did not answer, Olivia was returning and Magnus had disappeared from her spot.

"How was I?" Olivia sat back down.

Alec hadn't seen any part of her demonstration because he was too busy talking to Magnus. If he was seriously going to make a habit of appearing in his chemistry class Alec would really need to either talk to Magnus or get ahead, so if Magnus did interrupt he would not miss out on anything important – Alec hardly believed he could sit there and be quiet for an entire fifty minute lesson, despite what he just promised.

Something told Alec that Magnus would not listen to him and he would be seeing Magnus more often during school.

"Uh, sorry Olivia, I was writing down the notes." He gestured half-heartedly to the board at the front of the classroom.

"Oh, right. I had that written down ages ago, but it obviously isn't good enough for Mister My-book-has-to-be-perfect. You'd have it done much sooner if you weren't so uptight about your layout."

She looked down at Alec's page. Everything was neatly sitting on each line, perfectly spaced. The date was perched on the top right corner. His heading was coloured to stand out among all the black and blue notes below it. Even his bullet points were dented into the stream of words for the purpose of clear reading. From what Olivia could see none of his notebooks or text-books suffered from mindless doodling, scribbles or decoration. It allowed for efficient reference when he went back to it for revision. Everything followed a logical flow. That was Alec's excuse every time someone mentioned the state of his notebooks.

"Save it." She interceded as he was about to launch into that exact explanation, "I get why you do it."

At the bottom of Alec's page was a copy of the diagram that the teacher had hastily drawn. To put it simply: Alec was a shit drawer. That's why he always did them in pencil, but it never failed to let down the rest of his work. Olivia figured that Alec was too meticulous to even have a tiny creative streak. He operated under numbers, facts and rules. Creativity never had much of a chance to blossom in him.

"I've already written up most of the prac, you haven't. So we're square."

"Hah, whatever, I'll get it done, or God forbid, I'll do it at home. Something you've never considered."

He grinned, "Why do it at home when it can be done at school?"

* * *

Lunch was noisy as usual, everyone competing to talk over one another in order to be heard. Conversations from other tables drifted over and laughter rose up like hot air. Alec took a seat opposite Jace and next to Simon. The group was buzzing with chatter and Alec did not want to participate in any of it. It was nice to sit and _experience_ people around you – doing ordinary, everyday things.

Olivia squeezed in between Jace and a guy from the soccer team, carrying a tray with a salad and a juice box.

"Isn't Clary here?" she questioned, sizing up the food in front of her "I didn't see her at recess but figured she was at some art meeting or whatever."

"Nah," Jace sighed "She's sick. I've been going to all her teachers to pick up her homework."

"The hard life of being a boyfriend" Olivia laughed.

Jace grinned in acknowledgement, his gaze turning to Alec who had a blank expression on his face, occasionally his eyes would scan the cafeteria.

He looked at Olivia, lowering his voice so Alec could not hear. "How's Alec? I'm pretty sure _he _was in the library at recess." Jace rolled his eyes.

"I don't know," Olivia replied, a little bemused, "we had Chem and he was doing his work, as usual. It's not like he does anything else. He's pretty consumed in it."

"What do you think of Alec?" Jace said out of the blue.

Olivia did a double-take, unsure if Jace was really addressing her. But who else would he be talking to?

"What do you mean?" Her eyes slid to Alec, sitting across the table quietly like he did not belong there, but he was at ease with it. "He's okay. Really smart, probably not the funniest person on the planet," Jace laughed at that "He's just an all round nice guy, why?" It was a really strange question to get from Jace – Alec's best friend – it was not something she was super comfortable going in to.

Honestly, she really liked Alec as a friend. They did not do much together in order to become best friends; mainly it was just working together with school stuff. When she had first met Alec he seemed to have a really tough exterior – quite a hard person to get to know. She also had a bit of a crush on him, but after so many days of his simple smiles and being looked at, but not really being _looked _at, it became evident, to her, that Alec was more appreciative of their friendship.

It was not like she knew all about him now after months of being in the same class. She had not peeled away that part of him nor did she really want to. Looking at it now, there was not much that they knew about each other, but they were satisfied with their interactions in Chemistry and were simply comfortable with that.

Did that equal a friendship? Barely knowing anything about the other person, but being comfortable together?

She knew the only person close to him outside of his immediate family was in fact Jace – who was essentially his brother anyway. Olivia thought how lonely it must be to not be that close to anyone else.

"Do you like him?"

_Where was all this coming from?_ She never really thought of him that way anymore. Alec was a bit too under the radar to notice him often, but she still acknowledged that Alec was attractive in his own right. He possessed that completely unaware beauty. He never tried nor did he pretend that he didn't try while actually trying very hard. He did what he did out of comfort above all else.

"Like him?" Her eyes crossed over to Alec, terrified that she might actually be heard, "I don't know. He's really great but I don't think he even–"

"You're the only other girl he talks to besides Izzy and Clary," Jace said getting a little more animated. "You both work together so much in Chem."

"We talk because I'm the only person he knows in Chemistry."

"So? You cheapen it for no reason."

"Has he said something to you?" Although Olivia highly doubted it.

"No." He said "It's just, why not ask him out? You'd be great together. Both Chem nerds and all." This was typical Jace, when he thought something was a good idea, he would run with it. However, Olivia did not spend much time with Jace to really understand why he was doing all of this. It was confusing her.

"Ask him out?"

"Yeah, you and I both know he would never ask anyone out. He's pretty ridiculous that way" Olivia had to agree. He was too shy to do it.

"Why me? And what makes you think Alec even likes me?"

"Didn't we just go over this? You're the only girl he talks to; surely he must like you in some sense. He just needs a nudge. I'm sick of seeing him always being the family man or studying. Even if you guys went out for no reason, just coffee." As Jace spoke Olivia watched the table, pretending that what Jace was saying was not anything of importance, upholding an expression of indifference.

"So this is like a favour?"

"No." Jace huffed, obviously getting frustrated. "You used to like him right?" Olivia gave a little gasp and her face filled with a pink blush, "It's all right, Clary told me. I don't care." He glossed over. "If you don't want to, you don't have to. It's just a suggestion from a third party. You don't have to go out as a couple. Just hang out."

Jace continued making his point and it slowly began to worm its way into Olivia's head. She felt her younger self that had a crush on Alec begin to emerge from inside of her. He encouraged Olivia that it was a possibility. He made her feel like it was not a stupid idea, like she thought it was when she first met Alec and he was just a stranger to her. Maybe if they did more things outside of school they would get to know each other better, improve their friendship and see where it might lead them.

Maybe she would ask Alec out.

**Oh gosh, sorry that I only replied to you all yesterday. Kind of busy. All your reviews were so great - you guys are fabulous to me.  
I forgot to say in the last chapter - Happy New Year to you all! :)  
Mistakes are my own!  
Please review!  
**


	6. I'm Game to Play Along

**Heya everyone!  
Alice kicks ass at helping me get through these chapters on a weekly basis. She has to deal with my worries –enough said.  
Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments series.  
****The song for this chapter is meant to function as just background music if this was a movie. I tried channelling my younger self with the music I used to listen to in high school. I wanted a high school-ish vibe with the songs. Just something upbeat.  
Electable – Jimmy Eat World, however, it's for the second part of the chapter.**

**Chapter 5 – I'm game to play along.**

29th February 2012 (Wednesday)

"This time," the teacher's voice cut through the noise, "I'll set you up with partners. You have the rest of the lesson to do the experiment together and collect the results which you will need to use to finish your prac reports at home. And," he lifted a sheet, "I have a lovely set of questions that are to be given in, completed and stapled to your report, on Monday. If it is not stapled, don't bother handing it in."

The sheet was back to front with about thirty-five comprehensive questions, designed to make you look beyond the text-book for the answers. The theory needed to be applied. The class groaned.

Unfortunately, Alec was paired with a boy who looked all too happy to have Alec as a partner. Olivia had gotten up and taken her things to another table with her partner. Before she left, she quickly said to Alec, "This is so ridiculous, these guys aren't going to do anything. He'll just sit there and expect me to do it." An idea crossed her mind, "Hah, I'll show him." She grinned.

Alec's partner sat down, wearing a bored expression, "What do we do now?"

This was going to be torture.

Alec looked at the information sheet. "You'll need a lab coat and we'll have to get all the utensils for the experiment from the cupboards."

Sluggishly, the boy rose from the chair, as if it were the biggest chore in the world. When he came back Alec had prepared everything they were going to use – honestly, if it took him that long to get a lab coat on, they would never even begin the experiment.

"Do you want to do it, or do you want to write the results down?"

Thirty minutes later and Alec was ready to pull his hair out. All he could get out of the kid was "I don't know, man" or, "This stuff is hard." This was why he preferred working with Olivia, it was always evenly sided. She was capable of getting the results down accurately and efficiently or could follow the set procedure properly; he wouldn't have to be worrying about both areas. Also, he knew she could do this by herself if she were given the chance, unlike the boy in front of him. He looked like he would cause an implosion if left alone.

Alec ended up doing everything, but he tried so hard to involve his partner, he was just too disinterested and probably hoping Alec would it for him so he could get an easy ride for this assessment task.

"Five minutes class, pack up and clean up. Dispose of everything properly. No acids down the sink."

For one time in his life Alec was glad he had not finished his work in class. That boy did not deserve his answers.

_Good luck finishing that sheet of questions by yourself, asshole. _Alec thought bitterly, fed up with the kid's attitude. He was slowly piling up his books and waiting for the bell. He honestly expected Alec to do all the cleaning.

"Hey–"

"If your group is finished you can leave early."

Alec's partner was gone before he could blink.

Most of the classroom had left while Alec was too busy cleaning up by himself.

"So your partner was as useless as mine, huh?" Olivia walked up to Alec's table with her books. "Want help?"

"I think mine takes the title for the worst partner ever and yeah, that'd be great."

She picked up the final few pieces of equipment and returned them to their correct cupboards then pulled a few sheets of paper towel, wetting it to wipe down the surfaces.

"How much did you get done?" Alec asked, trying to compare the value of each partner.

"Despite the fact we had to restart because he mixed the wrong liquids, we just barely got through the final steps to get all the results. What about you?"

"We didn't have to restart because he didn't even move a finger to screw anything up. It took longer to do the experiment because I did it myself and I kept asking him if he wanted to do something. He pretty much got the answers and ran off."

"What a prick." She said, nodding. "Hey, I was going through some of those questions and they look hard. Do you want to partner up for our sanity's sake and work on them after school?"

Alec thought about it and he would rather work with Olivia than slug through each question alone. "Yeah, but I can't do tonight. Maybe tomorrow? Just not right after school. I still have to take my brother and sister home, what about five-thirty?"

Her features brightened, "That's fine. I can go home and leave my other work there and have a lighter bag. I'd really like to get rid of this before the weekend." She pointed at Alec's question sheet.

They were standing in the corridor in front of the Chemistry room.

"Same."

"Screw those 'partners' of ours. We'll meet at that coffee place we went to the last time? I'll bring my sheet so we can work from it."

"Perfect." Alec shuffled off to go see Jace at the lockers.

* * *

The blonde was waiting there for Alec to go to the cafeteria with him. "How was Chem?"

"Don't ask. I had the partner from hell." Alec slipped his books into his bag.

"They got you to do everything? Take it as a compliment. Hell, if I did Chemistry I'd always be your partner so you could save my sorry ass all the time." Jace hooked his arm around Alec's shoulders and brought him down to his level.

"But I'd help you because you're a friend."

Jace stopped then in the middle of a group of bustling students, blocking part of the pathway. "Really? In that case, you know in Engli–"

Alec broke free of Jace's grasp. "Oh, shut up. You can suffer in English. I would only help you if you actually read the texts."

"See! Lies, Alec, lies! What am I to believe when my best friend promises help only to steal it away from me." Jace was being so dramatic that people began to stare. "Besides," he said in a smaller voice, "the books are so long."

"Have a cry, Jace Wayland."

"Full names, Alexander Lightwood?"

"Perhaps, _Johnathan."_

"I am so going to kill you at practice for that."

"Looking forward to seeing the wuss who can't handle a few hundred pages even try."

"You're making it worse for yourself."

* * *

Soccer practice was immediately after school and Coach expected all the boys to be ready within fifteen minutes of the final bell sounding. Alec and Jace were making their way down to the locker rooms, bumping into each other's shoulders playfully to give a taste of what to expect during practice.

For once, they made it to the rooms early and dumped their bags on the benches in the centre of the rows of the lockers. Jace's locker was in the row over but directly opposite Alec's, on the far end of the line.

Alec pulled out his training shorts and jersey from his bag and laid them on the bench. He kicked off his favourite runners and placed them into the open locker. After his shoes, he drew off his jeans, draping them over his bag and slipping on his shorts.

"Uh, Alec?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't happen to have another pair of socks?"

"You forgot again?" Alec searched through his bag and surely enough found an extra pair of white socks. He leaned around the lockers and passed them over to a shirtless Jace.

"Thanks man. But I'm still kicking your ass."

Alec picked up his jeans and folded them neatly into a flat square before settling them into the locker with his shoes. Next, he pulled off his shirt, picking up his training jersey. When he had straightened up Alec was shocked to find Magnus leaning against the lockers that neighboured his. He didn't think he would ever get used to Magnus just appearing whenever he felt like it.

Behind him, Alec heard Jace's locker slam shut. "I'll be on the field, see you there."

Alec nodded in response.

Magnus smiled mischievously. By now most of the team were at their locker or walking into the room. "I don't know why I've never swung by for soccer training before." Magnus detached himself from the lockers and sat by Alec's bag as Alec put on his jersey. "Look at all these half naked guys! I'd have half of them up against the wall right now if it weren't for the while invisible thing – _unf_!" He bit his lower lip.

Alec felt a little uncomfortable hearing such things being said about his team mates. They were people that he saw on regular basis. Now he probably could not look at them again without thinking about what Magnus had said.

"How often do you train? I'll be your team's new cheerleader. Do they have cheerleaders for soccer?" Magnus looked up because the boy hadn't said one word. "Alec?" Alec was just putting his bag in his locker and shutting it closed. He still needed to get his shoes and socks on. He looked at Magnus when he called his name, but said nothing.

"Oh, right. Room full of people. Not the best idea to start talking to no apparent person. Gotcha."

Alec rolled his eyes at Magnus.

When Alec sat down to tie up his boots Magnus got up and inspected the other guys more closely.

"Holy fuck, look at his abs. Just fix his face a little." Alec had to hide his laughter. Magnus looked at another guy, supremely impressed with himself at making Alec laugh. "Mmmm, I'd like to grab that glorious ass. It looks even more perfect in these tiny shorts."

Alec got up and walked out to the field, Magnus joined soon after. "You're no fun."

Finally, Alec could talk. "I have to get on the field or else I'll end up running laps. By the way, we train threes time a week." As an after-thought, he added, "Stop looking at my team, it's weird."

"Oh sure. Like I am going to stop, I think I've found my new favourite hobby." Magnus snorted. "I'll be on the sidelines, see you after training. Have fun." Magnus walked off to the left and Alec joined Coach and half of the team. Straight away, he went to shove Jace, who was at the back of the small group.

Jace grinned and shouldered him in return. When the rest of the team arrived Coach got them to do some warm up stretches, followed by a few quick drills in pairs.

"Wayland, stop messing about, lift your feet!"

"Yes Coach!"

Jace and Alec chose different partners so they could stand next to each other while their partners were opposite them. This lead to more jibes and covert elbowing. The boys were giggling like school girls.

"Lightwood, Wayland. That's enough! I'd get you to run laps together but it appears that you'll enjoy that too much. Lightwood: three laps, Wayland: fifty push ups."

Alec dropped his head and began jogging to the out-skirts of the field. Jace moaned unhappily, but when Coach threatened one-hundred he started with his push ups.

Half way through his first lap Alec was joined by Magnus. "Are you seriously going to do these laps with me? You're hardly wearing the right clothes." Alec looked pointedly at Magnus' jeans which were always a second skin to his friend.

"I'm athletic!" Magnus sniffed.

Alec laughed.

"I'll race you, soccer-boy"

"I can't run these laps; I'll have no energy for training!"

"Your loss."

"Fine." Alec said sternly. "On the final lap we'll run the last half."

Together they jogged across two laps in silence, their controlled breathing coming at the same time, until they had half a lap to go. "Ready?"

Magnus started sprinting and Alec was soon to follow.

Magnus was fast.

Really fast.

Alec had to push everything he had to stay just a few centimetres ahead of him. At the finish line, Alec _just_ lost to Magnus.

"You won't hear the end of this, but right now, get back to your team."

Alec had a pleasant burn in his legs from the run and he was breathing heavily in short, deep pants. Hands on his hips, he joined everyone. Jace had finished earlier than him but was probably feeling the same singing sensation in his arm muscles.

Coach did a bit more yelling but soon initiated a group drill. While waiting for their turn, Jace turned to Alec. "Hey, want to come by my place tomorrow night?"

Alec shook his head. "Can't."

Jace was a little stunned. "How come? And if you say homework I might have to kick your ass for sure."

"Sort of. We have a chemistry assessment based on the work we did today and since both of our partners sucked, Olivia and I are going to meet up and finish it."

"Oh," was all Jace could muster. A small grin played on his lips.

"So, what? No more ass kicking?" Alec had to dribble the ball across part of the field to another guy and then step his way through the obstacles Coach put out.

Jace did the same right after him. Once together again, Jace said, "Well, it's a better school excuse than 'I want to be ahead of the class.'"

"Since when do you care so much?" Alec asked, staring at the ball which was being handled with some excellent foot work by their striker.

"Who cares?" Jace directed the conversation, "what about Friday?"

Training had left the team sore, sweaty and tired. Coach dismissed them and they all trudged to the lockers. A few went straight for the showers, but Alec and Jace – both too tired to bother – shrugged into their clothes and slung their bags over their shoulders.

Izzy usually got a lift with Clary and Simon on days that Alec trained and they'd all pick up Max so Alec didn't have to bother leaving him the car to drive himself home, but today Clary needed to be home early and Simon had gotten his mum to pick him up. So Izzy needed the car to get Max, which meant Alec had to walk home, however, if she started dinner on time she would therefore be able to drive down and pick him up part of the way home. He hoped today was one of those days.

Jace left him and Magnus came to fill his absence.

"I can't believe I won in a race against you in these bad boys" Magnus practically sang, pointing to his pants and skipping ahead of Alec.

"Go slow; I'm not in any rush," he yawned. "Too tired."

Magnus stopped and matched his pace with Alec's "So what's this business with you going for coffee with that Olivia girl?"

**Oooh, how did it go? As always, I love hearing/reading your thoughts.  
I hope I got back to everyone again, I did half last Friday and then some this morning. So I confused myself, but if I didn't reply to you, I'm thanking you now! :)  
Mistakes are my own.  
Review!  
x  
**


	7. You're Not Bigger Than this, Not Better

**Hey!  
Alice, you're incredible :) Your advice makes each chapter so much better.  
****Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments series.**  
Song for this chapter: Lucky Denver Mint by Jimmy Eat World. (As you can see, I love these guys)

**Chapter 6 - You're not bigger than this, not better. **

1st of March, 2012 (Thursday)

Magnus, for some unknown reason, attempted at grilling Alec about his study session with Olivia for the entire walk home, which was longer than usual because Alec's aching body could not keep up. He did not see what the big deal was. Olivia was nice and obviously trying to help both of them by organising this.

At first, Alec thought Magnus was angry at him about going out, but soon amended that the whole time his friend's voice was even and occasionally joking. He was just curious – more curious than Alec thought was really necessary.

When they had gotten home that evening, Alec went straight up to his bedroom. Now that it was established that no one could see Magnus, he followed Alec up the stairs. Before, he had been cautious whenever Alec invited him over, often declining because he knew that if his siblings were there and could not see Magnus his secret would be revealed in the worst possible way.

Alec had flopped back onto his bed, having left his bag somewhere between his door and the foot of his bed. Magnus pulled the chair out from underneath the desk and sat on it backwards, pulling out a flat board and filing his nails. The tired boy had shut his eyes, barely moving, willing the pain he felt to leave his body through his hands and feet. He did this often when he was stressed or could not sleep. By focusing on a certain part of his body, he could imagine the feeling seep out of each extremity. Before he knew it, he would be deeply relaxed. His mother taught him that when he was little and frightened about not being able to sleep. It was definitely an excellent relaxation method.

"You looked like you just gave up while in the middle of making a snow angel."

Alec cracked one eye open, Magnus was in the same position as before, despite twenty or so minutes passing. "Shaddup."

Magnus snickered. "What are you doing on Friday? More homework? Grocery shopping?" He quipped. "Maybe we could do something."

"I think I'm hanging out with Jace, I had to let him down for tomorrow and pick Friday instead."

"What did he say? About being dropped for Olivia, I mean."

"Nothing."

Alec blinked. That was odd. He didn't notice when it happened, but now that he thought about it, it was strange for Jace to shut up about something like that, he was too understanding about it all. Alec would normally assume that Jace would go on and on about it, teasing Alec relentlessly or something. After all, when Alec had ditched him in favour of soccer try-outs, Jace all but campaigned against it for days until he decided it was an even better idea to join with Alec. Jace did not seem to be one who enjoyed change.

"That's weird."

"What is it?" Magnus asked, bewildered.

"Jace didn't say anything about it. Normally, he'd make a joke about studying all the time or complain that I was leaving him hanging." Alec pulled himself up to his elbows, regretting the movement immediately, but preferring this position when talking to Magnus instead of staring at the ceiling.

"Maybe he isn't bothered by it at all. Anyway, you can shine a bright light at that kid and he'll be distracted. He could've seen some hot girl and forgot about his argument." Magnus kept his tone neutral, completely unfazed, as if the topic did not mean anything to him at all.

"He has Clary. Since her he hasn't looked at any girl the same." His voice was matter-of-fact.

"Does it really matter? You're thinking way too much about something as homework and coffee."

Alec really wanted to voice that it was in fact Magnus who was continuously keeping that the main topic of their conversation, however, he simply agreed with a, "Hmmm, maybe."

* * *

Max was leaning against the brickwork of the school gate when Izzy and Alec came to pick him up after school the next day. There were some straggling students waiting for their parents or wasting time before they walked home. He gave a big smile when he saw them in the car. Pushing off from the bricks, he swung his back-pack over his shoulder and jogged to the car.

"Hey!" Max chirped, flinging himself and his school bag into the back seat. He looked at the rear-view mirror to Alec's eyes. At first, they were peering off distractedly towards the empty school but then they met his eyes and crinkled with a smile.

"Sorry to keep you waiting longer than usual. _Someone _was talking to Simon for so long that we couldn't leave." Alec filled in with heavy implication on who that someone was, especially since the only other person who could be to blame was Izzy.

"Is he here?" Max asked, excitedly, completely ignoring that their brown-haired friend was obviously not sitting in the car with them. He was ready to start talking about the new manga that he had gotten. Alec and Izzy never were as interested as Simon.

"No, it's just you two this evening. I have to go out and do some homework. I don't know how long I'll be out, but order-in pizza or something. I'll get my own dinner on the way home."

Max scrunched his nose in thought. "Can't you just do homework at home? Isn't that the point?"

Alec pulled up at a red light and said, "I'm working with a friend so we both can get it done. It's an assessment."

"With who?" Izzy shot her eyes to her older brother.

"Olivia."

"Oh. But why? You both nail chem. All the ti–"

"We've done it before," Alec interrupted, "no one said anything about those time. Why does everyone care now?" He could feel the same frustration he felt with Magnus the night before seep in.

"Everyone? Who?" Izzy gave him a curious glare.

Alec struggled momentarily. "Jace," he finally said _and Magnus_. At the back of his mind he _knew_ Jace was not the one that said anything, but since he had found out all about Magnus he decided to avoid mentioning Magnus to his friends so they did not begin to ask questions about him that he could not answer – also, it would be very difficult to introduce him to everyone. Jace was just an easy excuse.

"That's it? Wow, Alec, by the sound of your voice I thought the Queen had some part in it all." Izzy turned around to face Max and winked at him. He laughed. Alec missed it.

"Shut it. You guys are practically my everything."

"Apparently Olivia is too."

Alec said nothing, letting Izzy's mumbled comment slide.

"What kind of pizza do you want Iz? Max started, changing the strange mood that had developed immediately.

* * *

They pulled up to the driveway and Max jumped out, his bag swinging from side to side as he walked to the front door. Izzy remained for a moment longer, watching Alec. She had apparently decided something because she shrugged her shoulders and followed Max to the door. Alec sighed. Everyone was acting strange.

Inside the house, Alec scoured the fridge, pulling out an apple, biting into it and holding it in his mouth while he flicked through the mail he brought in. Deciding that all of it was for his parents he placed them among the pile by the microwave.

"What time are you going?"

Alec jumped, taking the apple from between his teeth. "Dunno, quarter-past-five? I'm taking the car, so don't think you're getting out of watching Max."

Izzy smirked at his words. "Wouldn't dream of it, big brother."

"The fact that you said it that way tells me you were considering it."

She laughed before sobering a little. "Olivia's really great. She tags along with me and Clary occasionally when we go shopping."

The statement hung in the air, not providing any substance to anything said or unsaid. Alec gave her an unsure look. "I don't know why you're telling me this, I know what Olivia's like."

Izzy rolled her eyes behind Alec's back. Evidently, only her brother could not register what she was trying to get at. She figured she would just not bother. There was no getting through to Alec and she guessed it probably would not be received well if she just told him what she wanted to directly. Alec lived in his own world and he kept it as close to his heart as possible. He did not think bad of others all that often, was slow to judge and always seemed to have something ticking over in his mind. Sometimes she thought it was endearing that he lived in a somewhat sheltered world that she knew was built by himself in order to cope with being the foundation of their small family. There was a lot he denied himself and to fill the gaps of what he missed out on as a teenager he put the rest of his time into being the best in all of his subjects. He had two parts to his life. School and home. Alec did not see that in most people's eyes this 'studying' looked like a poor excuse for a date.

"Hmm, yeah, sorry." She agreed, pulling away from the topic sooner rather than later because there was no point.

She loved her brother.

"Don't you go turning all weird on me again like in the car. Anyway," he checked his watch, "I have to put my stuff in my room and get ready to go."

* * *

Alec left with a few pens and an empty notebook in his shoulder bag because Olivia was bringing all of her chemistry work for both of them to use. They did not need double ups of the same information. He called out a goodbye at the front door, which was chased by a faint, "bye!" from the back of the house and an enthusiastic, "See ya, Alec!" from the kitchen.

It only took ten minutes to get to the coffee shop, one that he and Magnus had never tried amongst their frequent meet-ups weeks' back. He looked at his watch and smiled, still five minutes early – that's what he liked.

He got a spot in a booth meant to seat four, sliding into the plush seat.

When Olivia walked in, her eyes were searching for him, Alec noticed her straight away and waved her over. She grinned, making her way to the spot across from Alec, pulling her bag into her lap and opening it. Alec noticed that she was now in a cream coloured dress decorated in pink flowers. Often at school she would wear jeans and printed t-shirts. Alec thought that this particular choice was curious.

"So, I thought we could write up the first part of the report," she had both her hands deep in a huge peach coloured bag that Alec knew was her regular school bag, "but then I remembered you had already – oh crap." Alec's eyes flicked to Olivia at the change in her voice. She pulled out a thick textbook, that he recognised to be their chemistry one, dumping it onto the small table, causing the sugar container to rattle. A moment was spent in silence as Olivia looked through her bag, flipped through the textbook and checked the pockets of her jacket.

"Shit. Alec, sorry." She said, flicking through the pages again, fanning the pages, in hope that what she was looking for was wedged in the book. "I didn't bring the question sheet. We can't do the report."

A delicate snort sounded, "Convenient."

Alec hoped his surprise could have been taken as a suitable reaction to what Olivia had just said, but truly it was because Magnus was now sitting on the backing of the booth chair, next to Olivia. His knees reached near her head considering he sat up much higher than her.

"I'm really sorry, is there anything else you haven't done yet that we can do, to not waste the trip?"

Alec, not being one to spare someone's feelings, said, "No, like you said before, I did that part." He gave a half-hearted smile and glanced at Magnus, who was now snickering behind his hand.

"Let me make it up to you. I'll get us a coffee." Her smile was very apologetic.

"Oh, no–"Alec immediately protested, not really comfortable the idea. He was quite capable of getting his own beverages.

She looked up with puppy eyes but a happy smile was toying now at her lips. "Please. I feel bad."

"Oh yeah!" Magnus called, obviously pleased with himself. He was staring directly at her even though she showed no signs of knowing he was there, "so bad that you purposely forgot that sheet."

Alec tried to ignore Magnus; after all, it would be hard to explain why he kept looking above Olivia rather than _at _her.

"What do you want?"

"Just a black coffee, no sugar, no milk." Alec and Magnus said in unison. Olivia beamed, taking her wallet out and walking over to the cash register.

When she was out of ear-shot Alec glared at Magnus. "Really? What are you going on about? What do you want me to do? Slip up and start talking to you? Why did you show up?"

Magnus dropped into the seat Olivia was in and said, "There were way too many questions in there. But, I came because, why not? No one can see me. By the way, can't _you_ see it? She totally planned that. She 'forgot' your work so you can just spend some _quality_ time having a coffee and talking. Half-decent acting if you ask me, nothing to admire, but a well thought out plan, I'll give her that, it's something I'd probably do. Quite a clever girl there."

"That's so stupid." Alec whispered back. "What a waste of her time. No one would bother doing that. She needed to get this work done as much as I do."

"How are you that oblivious?" Magnus giggled. He could see that that is exactly what Olivia had done, but unfortunately for her, Alec would never get it. He thought too good of people and little of himself to really believe that someone would actually organize something like that.

Alec started getting a little defensive. "About what? This is nothing. A mistake. Either way, why can't we just have a coffee together without the excuse of school work? We're friends."

Magnus mumbled something just as Olivia came back and Alec could not catch it.

"Here you go." She handed over Alec's take away cup, "You don't mind sitting around for a bit? I'd feel worse if you just went home, at least I can try to make it up to you."

"I bet you want to make it up" Magnus was looking at his nails, not really showing that he was listening, but he obviously was. "Just in your own way."

"It's fine really. I'm not fazed at all." He brought the cup to his lips, taking a hesitant sip. "These things happen." He tried offering a reassuring smile from behind the safety of the cup and Olivia seemed to accept it and then fell comfortably into another topic quite easily, forgetting all that she was fretting about moments before.

"How's soccer going?"

"_Abs-_olutely brilliant." Magnus drawled behind her. He had shifted back up to the top of the booth with his back against the wall and his legs stretched out across the length of the seat when Olivia sat back down. Alec, as well as pretending not to hear Magnus, chose to ignore the emphasis on 'abs', otherwise he probably would have laughed at his friend's crazy creativity.

"The same," he filled in. "Coach is on our backs because we're apparently 'not listening to him' in training. I think after yesterday Jace and I made it worse. By the end of it though, I think Jace had to do three separate sets of fifty push-ups because he was distracting, I got away with only three laps."

"In which I kicked your tiny butt in," Magnus chimed. "I should join the team," he added, getting a little excited, the light in his eyes sparking at the idea.

"That's not going to happen." Alec commented.

He froze.

Did he just reply to Magnus?

Now he was too horrified to lift his eyes to look at Magnus. He wondered what Magnus looked like though. Was he just as horrified as he was? What the hell was he going to say to Olivia now?

He watched Olivia's face for any change, a confused expression, a crease in her forehead – but it did not come.

She laughed. "I guess you're right. I don't think there is a way to keep Jace focused unless it's with Clary."

Alec had to stop himself from breathing a sigh of relief when it appeared he had dodged a bullet. Whatever Olivia had said, his response to Magnus was acceptable enough.

"They're really cute together, don't you think? As a couple, of course."

In all actuality, Alec hadn't really cared much for Clary. To him, she was just another pretty face that Jace was going to end up ignoring sooner rather than later. He was surprised that Jace had begun dating her, considering he had not dated in a little while, although, he had no shortage of girls flirting with him or giggling in his general direction. He was especially surprised because there was nothing about this girl that Alec could see in Jace's other girls. She wasn't stilted on heels, overly giggly or busty.

When Alec saw her give Jace a thundering slap after he kept pestering her with his usual, terrible pick up lines, he figured she could look after herself and therefore did not think that he would see her sitting on the school steps crying her eyes out because she found Jace sucking face with another. As time went by he also began to appreciate the friendship she and Izzy had. Now there was a second person with a level head that could keep and eye on his sister. But the extension of Simon also meant that Izzy was close with him too and he thought that the brown-haired boy had serious eyes for her.

He had not given much thought about Jace and Clary's relationship beyond that. Alec was not one to really divulge into other people's lives. He liked his own privacy and thought that if he kept out of everyone's business, everyone will keep out of his. Although, he was not interesting enough in the first place to pique anyone's interest. Being quiet and uninvolved sometimes had its perks, especially in Alec's case.

"Yeah, he seems to really like her. Whatever, you know? As long as they are both happy."

"Who cares? He's a blonde idiot and she's too small for him." Jace was Magnus' favourite topic for insult. Any time he was brought up Magnus would have something witty to say about it. Alec did not even know why Magnus bothered and could not get it out of him what his problem with Jace was.

Olivia beamed at Alec's response. She settled more into her seat, pushing her elbows further onto the table, keeping her coffee nestled between both hands like an offering. Alec fidgeted with his hands that were now placed safely in his lap while the girl opposite him kept asking minor questions about all different kind of topics. It sort of baffled him how she could just jump from one thing to the other as if they had not been talking before.

Nevertheless, he answered as best as he could, mostly attempting to turn the question over to her. She did not appear to notice, all too happy to keep talking with Alec. He kind of wished that she did not feel so horrible for what she did so Alec could go. At the moment, he was just humouring her good intentions. It was not like he disliked spending time with her, but there were other things that could be ticked off from the mental list he set up this morning, hence his fidgeting. There was an underlying need to keep busy.

When he felt the adequate amount of time was spent quelling her worries, Alec did his best to make an excuse about Max needing him at the time he conveniently found on his watch. She mimicked Alec, taking her bag and sliding out of the booth, walking over to the door.

"See you tomorrow, Alec." Olivia waved and moved to her car which was parked right a few cars down the road the shop was on.

Magnus had followed Alec to his car, joining him for the ride and following him up the few stairs to Lightwood front door, a small smile remaining on his lips the entire time.

**I'm literally rushing to complete this, unfortunately I haven't checked over it properly. It is technically Thursday for me... oops.  
Enjoy!  
Mistakes are my own.**  
**Please review. They mean the world :)**


	8. Then Bring It On

**Hola, how are we all?  
Alice, you never fail to amaze me on so many different levels, thank you.  
********Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments series.  
**Songs for this chapter are Aurora by Foo Fighters and Dead Oaks by Now, Now. (Mainly for the first part)  


**Chapter 7 – Then bring it on.**

13th March, 2012 (Tuesday)

No one had asked about the evening with Olivia – save for Magnus who inserted his own little, rude opinion whenever she said something during their shared coffee – just as much as no one noticed that Alec was up most of the night pouring over his desk in his room with papers strewn about in the most disorganised manner that Alec's room had ever witnessed. Nevertheless, he had Magnus lying around on his bed making comments that were sporadic but did not stop him from pausing from his work for a moment to reply or laugh. It kept him a bit sane during the long night.

He still managed to hand over the report on Friday morning even though he did not have Chemistry that day.

Alec was nice enough to not really mention that he gave up his evening – that he could have spent revising – to finish it despite the fact that he wanted to have it done earlier with Olivia. It was not going to change anything anyway.

Could Magnus have been right and Olivia did it on purpose?

If he let himself think about it long enough, he would realise that it actually annoyed him to have that time robbed of him. Olivia, above most people, should know how he valued order and therefore would not have messed him up intentionally. Right?

The weekend included Alec helping her with her answers via text message. The messages had excessive amounts of 'thank you' and 'sorry' that Alec began to forget the meaning of both phrases.

Now, it had been a while since that day and the assessment task was long forgotten. Alec was the only one to get one hundred percent on the question section.

* * *

The day bloomed under the watchful gaze of the Spring sun. Colours bursted to life out of everything because it was not dulled by the grey clouds from Winter. A breeze disrupted the whispers in the trees and the hair of those outside. Alec had to cut across the school from the dodgy classrooms at the far, forgotten part of the school because an important meeting was being held in his regular classroom. He liked the hushed tones of leaves in the winds. It reminded him that life thrived elsewhere and not just among people who often seemed to take it for granted.

It took him longer than usual to get to his locker and therefore he missed Jace, much to the relief of a girl whose locker was below Jace's and was in the same class that Alec had just left since the blonde would always block it when the two boys conversed. She threw all her books into her bag with a huff and lifted it out, instantly calling someone – she obviously was not impressed with getting out late.

Alec did not care. His siblings held him up more often than not – at least he had a legitimate reason. Anyway, Max's school finished twenty minutes after his school; there was still time to get him, so he would not be waiting long. Alec was sure Max was used to it though.

"Oh, there you are."

He startled, not expecting anyone to begin talking to him as there were not many people in the rapidly thinning hallways. He had been caught up in his thoughts about after school, because he managed to have no homework tonight and he and Magnus were going to ditch their old haunts – Alec's bedroom or a coffee shop – to celebrate the first decent day since Winter – it had taken longer for Spring to shake off Winter this year – as well as the fact that Magnus had set up a protest against both locations, rallying for Alec to get some Vitamin D for his pale skin.

Laughter sounded at his reaction.

"I wanted to ask you something."

"Okay," Alec offered.

Olivia was carrying the books she was taking home that would not fit inside her bag, holding them to her chest with both arms wrapped around them in a protective way. "Do you..." She hitched the books higher up, looking at Alec's open locker rather than Alec himself. "Do you want to go out?" She rushed out, glancing up at Alec with too-wide eyes for a moment then averting them.

In her head she thought, _this is the part where you say "like a date?" _But, of course, Alec would not make that connection.

She felt her organs drop bellow her stomach, the hollow space they left out-weighed her and she thought he might fall over. Her books strategically covered her well enough so that Alec would not notice the irregular rise and fall of her chest as her breath came short and fast out of nervousness. Also, it was an unconscious barrier for her heart, just in case Alec could some how hear it even if their distance did not deem it possible.

The gap of silence did not really help either, she felt her whole being close in on itself, leaving her feeling a vague sense of emptiness.

"You know. No studying pretence. Dinner." She unintentionally inspected the near empty halls with anxious eyes to ensure no one else was there to watch her make an idiot out of herself. She was not embarrassed to be with Alec; actually she was more embarrassed for herself. "A date."

Alec was busily putting books away in order of subject and then height in his locker while Olivia spoke. At the final two words his fingers stopped at the spine of a green text book. He pushed it in with it comrades and drew his fingers down it before turning to look at her.

Shit, he didn't know what to say. Why couldn't he be with Izzy or Jace right now? Or even Clary and Simon. They would know what to say and help Alec with his answer. Now he was stuck. He did not think Olivia liked him like that. No one had before. Ever. Had Alec even liked anyone like that before? Was she serious? Maybe she wasn't.

"Oh." He replied brilliantly and she faltered – her shoulders dropping a centimetre but the book barrier remained strong. "I – uh," his hand went to the back of his neck, scratching for no reason. "Well – you," she wasn't actually looking at him and it kind of made it easier. "Um, yeah. Okay."

Finally, her brown eyes met his and she smiled.

Alec had exited the front doors of the school with a date on the upcoming Saturday at a local restaurant at seven o'clock. Izzy was chatting with Jace and at the sight of him, gave Alec an exasperated, "You're here!"

He explained to them that he was in the back classrooms – that was why he was held up – purposely omitting his date with Olivia.

It was surprisingly easy to keep it from his best friend and sister, but not Magnus.

* * *

Alec dropped Izzy and Max at home – who they were not late to pick up after all – before continuing to the place he had organised to meet Magnus. It amazed Alec that Magnus had not just appeared in his passenger seat when he was driving to meet him, but maybe invisible ex-warlocks had things to do as well.

Alec set his back up against a huge old tree that had many visible knots, high up branches that bowed at the tips under the weight of it's new born leaves and thick scratchy bark. He sat his bag on his lap and then let his head fall gently back against the tree, eyes alert.

"What happened?" Magnus rounded the tree a few minutes later looking at Alec with a sly expression.

"What do you mean?"

He crossed his legs in front of Alec and stared for a moment. "Something happened."

Alec's eyes slowly moved from the left to the right, a crease between his eyebrows forming, taking in all that he could from his position. "I–"

"Don't lie. I've got this." Magnus grinned. "I know I'm right."

There were several more long moment of uncomfortable staring – well, uncomfortable for Alec, Magnus enjoyed the curious staring – before Alec broke.

"Okay. Olivia asked me out on a date." He was looking at a faraway shrub, injecting as much carelessness into the statement as possible. How the hell could Magnus do that?

"Oh?" Magnus straightened up, "and you said?"

He faced Magnus, "I said yes. It won't be that bad, right? I at least know what she's like to be with and I don't mind her." Alec shrugged, thinking that he was saying the 'right' thing but unsure what the protocol was – if there was one – when telling your friend the details of an upcoming date. "It's on Saturday." He added at the last minute.

The wind pushed Alec's hair around while Magnus' spikes stayed perfectly still under all the gel he must have had in it. For some reason, Magnus always looked like he was ready to out to a party. The metallic leggings he had on today did not help his case. Alec shuffled to get into a better spot and bumped knees with Magnus. His friend smiled, a light dancing in his eyes, but before Alec could question it out loud, it was gone.

They both could appreciate silence – Magnus probably because it was forced upon him and Alec never had much to say to fill silences – it was another thing that slotted them together like a lock and key. It was as if both of them had something to say, but neither was willing to say it, yet somehow it remained comfortable. All that was needed was the opening of that lock, but it was still unclear as to who was the key and who was the lock.

Although, it probably looked strange to see a boy sitting by himself against a tree, Alec had learnt to push it all out of his head. Surely, somewhere, someone has been in the same situation, therefore it can't be that bad. Just take out the invisible warlock. The worst beliefs are formed when one lets their mind conjure up all the possibilities of what _others_ are thinking.

"Have you told anyone yet?" Magnus asked.

"Nope, only you suspected something, maybe I'm getting better at hiding things."

"You aren't," Magnus laughed. "And either way, it's lying that you're no good at. Not saying anything because no one has asked you does not count as lying – that's more like luck on your behalf." He looked thoughtful for a moment, "Are you going to tell them about the date?" He saw Alec shake his head. "You better hope that no one asks you anything because there's no way you'll be able to not give it away."

At Alec's worried expression Magnus added, "They're probably going to find out anyway, through Olivia or your dead give-away blush."

On cue, Alec blushed. Magnus grinned.

Alec pondered that, Magnus was right. Someway or another, people were going to find out that they went on a date or were going to be.

"I guess that's okay. I won't be parading it around," Magnus held back a laugh for a reason Alec did not know, "if someone sees us, I'm not going to deny it. It's not like I am ashamed or anything." That seemed to be the right thing to say again.

"So you like her then?" Magnus leaned back on to the heel of his palms, the shirt he was wearing pulled tightly across his chest.

"Yes."

Magnus said "no" at the exact same time.

"I do. How would you know what I feel?"

"I can just tell, Alec."

That was absurd. He liked Olivia well enough. It didn't mean that this date would amount to anything. Olivia had said it herself once they had agreed on a place to eat at, they'll just see how it works out. If it was alright, they'd go out again, if not, they'd stay friends. Alec did not want to put any thought into what would happen if any one of those options came to life. He didn't like change. Change, for him, always meant something bad. His parents leaving on trips. Another child to not have fully committed parents available. Having to make new friends. Getting used to a new school. Waking up with an embarrassingly deeper voice, one that the other kids made fun of. Maybe the only positive change that he could bring to mind was sitting opposite him, fingering blades of grass at their feet.

"Olivia's a friend, I'm sure if we spent more time together I can grow to like her more."

Magnus snorted. "And you think that is exactly fair for her? You only thinking you _may_ grow to like her because she asked you out and you can't say no?"

"I can say–"

"You're just going to do this even if it makes you unhappy. Why? Because you always do things for other people regardless if you're happy or not."

Alec wanted to say how true that was but kept his mouth shut before he didn't think that was how he felt toward Olivia and Magnus would think Alec was only agreeing with him – which he wasn't.

"You've got to be a little selfish, Alec. Everyone does. Take what you want. Do what you want. And don't worry about how the entire world is going to feel about it. I've been here long enough to have realised that the nice guys are always dragged down, silenced and taken advantage of because they don't say anything about it."

"It's just one date, Magnus. I think you're overreacting. Olivia understands that we may not start dating at the end of it all."

"At least you've heard what I have to about it then."

"'It', what is 'it' exactly?"

"Everything, you've got to look after yourself, Alec. I can see you don't, but no one can see me, so it's like a moot point."

"Okay," Alec had begun to feel a little uncomfortable after Magnus' little speech, unsure of what spurred it on. But Magnus had always proven to be a trustworthy friend, he always looked out for Alec and gave his opinion – that never meant Alec took it though. A small part of Alec's mind agreed with what Magnus had said and recognised how it did apply to his current situation, but that part did not have a voice in Alec's body, it silently protested but was carried along for the ride anyway. Much like both boys in their own certain way.

They ended up lying on their stomachs side by side, talking about any topic other than the date. It appeared neither of them was that keen to keep it on their minds.

* * *

16th of March, 2012 (Friday)

What was he doing here? This was just so wrong on so many levels.

Alec usually went grocery shopping every Friday evening by himself. He initially organised it so he would go every second Friday and Izzy and Max went every other Friday, but when they kept coming home with half of the items on the list and half a trolley filled with junk-food, Alec took it upon himself to do it every Friday. After Magnus told him his secret, he would join the eldest Lightwood to keep him company. At the beginning of their trips Magnus would sit in the trolley and point out all the things Alec was looking for, then he'd jump out when it was getting too full and follow Alec around.

Sometimes Alec would skip Friday and go on a different day because of school commitments.

The supermarket was joined with a decent sized shopping centre and that was how Alec found himself standing in a shop looking at racks upon racks of clothes.

_This is ridiculous._

He initially thought maybe he should get something 'nicer' for their date. People usually dress up for dates, right? So that's what he needed to do. One half decent out-fit.

One.

That's all.

He was royally screwed. He didn't know what to do. This was not a good idea.

Alec had to give in, the mounds of shirts and jeans were giving him a headache. He pulled out his phone and punched in the all too familiar number.

"Alec?"

"Hey, Izzy, I need help." He closed his eyes, cringing.

"Help with grocery shopping? Really? You've done it how many times now?" Her tone was not impressed.

"Erm, not exactly, _clothes_ shopping."

Her reply shriek was heard by another customer who turned to look at Alec. "Why are you clothes shopping? More importantly, why are you clothes shopping _without me?"_ She implored relentlessly.

"I need new clothes for..." Alec glanced around carefully.

"Yes?" She pressed.

"For a... date. Before you ask, it's with Olivia."

"Oh my gosh, really? And you didn't think to tell me?"

Alec didn't say anything.

"Okay, focus now. I'll rip you apart for being a horrible brother when you get home. Which shop are you in?"

Alec looked around, "uhhh," he stepped out of the store and looked up to the sign above the entrance and recited it to his sister.

"Good, I can work with that. Go to the right part of the store where all the jeans are hung up and tell me what the tags on them say. As well as what colour they are."

Alec shuffled over and read them out to her accompanied by, "Blue, grey, black, blue, blue, blue."

"Stop saying blue! What shade of blue? You are so not buying some light washed pair of jeans. Not on my watch." Her voice was fading in and out, she must have been doing something while directing Alec.

He finished telling Izzy all he could about the jeans and she said, "I'll keep those in mind, now move to the shirts, I want you to only describe shirts that are black, dark blue, red, grey, or any shade of blue actually. As a staple, find just one plain black shirt to buy, I don't care if you don't wear it for your date."

"Okay, This one is really dark blue, like the jeans, another is a dark smoke colour, but it has two black strips running down it. This one is a much lighter blue... oh, but it's still a dark blue, you can tell this one is more of a blue over the first shirt, that one was so dark it was almost black."

Izzy sighed over the phone. "Is the shop assistant busy?"

Alec looked up, locating them immediately, "no."

"Pass them over; while I talk to them, you look for a plain black shirt."

Hesitantly, Alec said, "okay," drawing out the vowel and pulling the phone away from his ear. "Um, excuse me?"

The girl turned to Alec, perking up a little, "Yes?"

"Do you mind talking to my sister? She's better at this than I am." He offered the phone and she looked wary.

"Sure," her tone was still unconvinced, but she took the phone and greeted Izzy. She must have launched into directions immediately because the girl seemed to transform into business mode, turning to Alec, sizing him up and rattling off numbers to the phone. Alec could only assume they were sizes. He smiled sheepishly at her, feeling silly, before he remembered the black shirt.

He found a few and, at first, was quite proud of himself, until he noticed one had thin silver stripes all over it. He put that one back. Then, the other had a white lining around the edges of the collar.

"Jesus, how difficult can this be?"

After the inspection of another two shirts that proved to not cover all areas of 'plain black shirt' he was tapped on the shoulder. The girl had one arm draped with a small mountain of clothes. "Your sister said you can try any combination of these clothes and are only allowed to buy from this pile." She passed over his phone, which Alec pocketed. "Also, she said you can buy all of these and save time, but then mentioned that since it 'was you' it was unlikely. Would you like to begin trying these on?" Her smile was genuine and it appeared that she found humour in the situation but also pitied him.

"Thank you, you've been really helpful. I mean, I wouldn't know, but by the looks of that," he gestured to her full arm, "you have."

"It's okay. It's my job." She smiled up at Alec again.

He took the clothes from her and trekked to the back of the store to the change rooms. Inside, Alec kick off his shoes, pushing them to the back corner and took out his wallet and phone, placing those on the tiny triangle of a 'seat' that was provided in the surprisingly spacious area. Shucking off his t-shirt and leaving it to find a temporary home on the floor, Alec took the first shirt he saw from the pile, unbuttoned it and slipped it on. It wasn't what he would wear normally, but wasn't that the point?

Looking at his jeans now, they seemed to go well with the shirt, maybe he could just get away with buying the one item.

_And have Izzy kick your ass for not following instructions? Good idea._

His jeans were next to go, joining his t-shirt, leaving Alec in his underwear. The jeans he first tried on were not bad, a very dark blue, more snug than his pair, but not tight in any sense. He would have to hand it to Izzy, she was at least letting Alec be comfortable. He had four more shirts to test with those jeans, trying to keep track of which ones he liked best together.

Before long, he slipped off the last shirt – he really didn't like it at all, it was definitely _way_ too tight. That one was separated from the bunch to never be tried on again. The jeans he had on at the moment were still the first pair he tried and they had finished their cycle of shirts so Alec unbuttoned and unzipped them, pulling them off.

"Those were nice jeans."

"Jesus Christ!" Alec jumped, his elbow making contact with the wall with a loud bang. He didn't even want to begin to think what anyone in the store had heard. They probably thought he was incapable of dressing himself.

The owner of that voice was sitting on top of the change room wall, where it connected with the real wall. He hopped down, standing with Alec – who was still standing in very little clothes.

"I was waiting for you to come shopping, I was in the trolley and everything."

Alec scrambled to find a way to cover up – just for the basic principle, but the pants he was trying on were already off his feet.

"Are you serious?" He finally found his voice. His eyes were open wide staring at Magnus with a shocked expression and hoping that it looked pointed enough to convey the gravity of the situation with his eyes flicking back and forth between the clothes on the floor and the clothes on the hangers.

"I know," Magnus went on, not noticing Alec, "thank goodness only you can see me or else I would have looked like a loser all by myself."

"No, Magnus. Not that. I'm," he futilely waved a hand around, giving up, "changing." Alec whispered as if it were a secret.

"Okay," he flopped to the small seat, appraising Alec.

"I – uh, um," the blush Alec had only intensified since Magnus announced his presence. It was strange to see it on a grown boy because it seemed like such a childish trait when all said boy was trying to do was be stern. Like a puppy attempting to growl viciously. It didn't work.

Slowly, Alec took a shirt of the hanger just to bring it in between Magnus' vision of his body. That even seemed stupid.

"This is for your date?"

"Yes." Alec stammered.

"Mmm, I recommend," he got up, closing the distance between the two, and picked the third shirt and the jeans that he initially tried on, "this and this." Alec's whole body heated up.

They seemed to go okay, and Magnus knew more about clothes than Alec, that much was obvious.

"Yep. Fine. Good." Alec rushed out, wanting nothing more that to get some clothes on.

"You're not going to try them on?"

He looked at Magnus incredulously. "Not like this."

"Alec, just do it."

Reluctantly, Alec did all he could to cover himself while putting on the out-fit.

"Yes. That's the one. Perfect."

Fully clothed now, Alec felt like he could speak properly. "You're not even going to consider anything else?"

"_Now_ you're all for changing?"

"No!" He attempted to stifle his rash shout.

"Then that is the best one."

Alec shut his eyes. "Alright, I'll be out in a minute, then we can do our regular shopping." He blushed violently, looking at his feet. Anywhere _but _Magnus was good enough for him. It was just too awkward.

_God this was embarrassing._

"Fine, I get it Alec. See you outside," he laughed.

Magnus was gone before Alec could utter his thanks.

Faster than he ever had before, Alec changed into his older clothes, putting the set he was buying with his phone and wallet, while he piled the rest on his arm like the shop assistant did.

She met him half way to the register, taking the unwanted clothes and meeting Alec with his purchase behind the counter so he could pay. Magnus rejoined him there and the girl handed over the receipt and his clothes in a store bag. Both boys walked out of the store quietly and went towards the supermarket to begin their usual weekly shopping.

"Nice underwear, Alec."

Alec choked.

**Hah, Magnus is cruel.  
Sorry about only replying to all you lovely reviewers today, but I love you! :)  
I'm a little annoyed with myself because I wanted to put this out earlier in celebration of all these good things happening to me in the past week or so, but all these good things also involve me being busy. I'm just really happy at the moment.  
Mistakes are my own.  
Please review!**


	9. To Relieve Your Emptiness

**Hey! I actually got this out early Wednesday! (Sort of)  
Allliiiiccceeee, you were such a life saver for this chapter!  
************Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments series.  
****Song for the beginning: Picture Frames by Georgia Fair.  
Song for halfway: Do You by Carina Round. (Very recommended)**

**Chapter 8 – To relieve your emptiness.**

17th of March, 2012 (Saturday)

Even though the restaurant was not that far from Alec's house, he did what he thought to be the 'right', date thing to do and arranged to pick Olivia up at her house and seven o'clock. He stepped out of his car, once again glad to know that Izzy and Max were home together, and walked up the small, pebbled path to her front door, wringing his wrists as he did so.

Suddenly, his well fitting, new clothes did not feel as comfortable as they did before he left his house. Luckily, the evening was still, hinting that the rest of the night would include a cloudless sky and at the very most a light breeze could pick up. Alec's deep blue shirt was the only thing he had to protect himself from the weather, but a jacket would not be ideal especially since he would probably end up sweating profusely.

On his way out the door, Izzy stood there, blocking it, arms crossed and eyes narrowed. Didn't sisters usually smile about this sort of thing? She asked him if he was seriously going out in those shoes. He shrugged. It was kind of obvious that he was. It was not like he had a wide variety of shoes like her. She then held him with a stare and stalked off, shortly returning with a pair of shoes hooked on her two fingers.

"I got these for you today," she explained briefly, lifting the shoes up between both of them.

Touched, Alec smiled at his sister and took the black leather shoes. They narrowed to a squared off toe and were much nicer than anything Alec owned, period. He pulled her in for a quick squeeze, slipped them on and rushed out the door.

When Alec knocked on the hard black wood of the front door, his mouth went dry. He hoped he got the correct house, or else that would have been terribly embarassing. By looking around the front yard, with it's manicured lawns and various plants along the fence, it was difficult to see any element that told him it was the right house. All the other houses along the street appeared to consist of similar designs and therefore similar front yards. Alec realised that his nervous glancing around was a habit that he should kick before the date started.

Olivia answered a short while later in a dark purple dress that had short sleeves and fell delicately from the waist to her thighs. To compensate for the shortness of the dress, she wore black tights, that complemented the deep tones of her out-fit. Her hair was hanging down in loose curls. She looked nice.

However, Alec was too busy internally freaking out to adequately take in his date's appearance.

From the front door she pulled up the corners of her lips in a shy manner that reflected how she felt on the inside. Her hand twitched and it seemed like she had to consciously stop herself from raising it in a silly wave.

"Hi."

"He–," Alec cleared his throat, "Aren't your parents here? Shouldn't I meet them or something? Isn't that what usually happens?" He racked his brain for any detail of a date that he had seen in movies.

Olivia's laugh broke through the silence that had wafted up between them. "They're both out. My mum is in Dubai for work and my dad just went out with some friends. They usually go bowling on Saturdays. No awkward introductions."

At the mention of 'awkward' they both became painfully aware of how much it felt like that right now. A moment was spent with Alec standing on the door step and Olivia in the doorway, both just offering pleasant smiles, not wanting to saying anything because neither was sure what could be said.

"Let me lock up and we can go."

"Great," Alec said too quickly.

He dropped back to his car while Olivia came back with a bag hanging from her shoulder and she was sliding her keys in it. A thought dawned on him. Should he have brought something for her? Flowers? Oh God, he was doing it all wrong already.

Unfortunately, the car ride consisted of no talking. The only sound was the radio, it drifted from the speakers, but it was so low that the silence seemed louder.

They both seemed grateful when Alec pulled into a free car spot, the noises of other people and cars was welcomed warmly. Olivia closed in to Alec's left side, looping her arm through Alec's bent one because he was fiddling with the keys to lock the car. Even in her small heels, her head reached up to Alec's nose. He let her claim that spot, but it felt a little weird because he normally set his keys in his left pocket and his wallet in his right and now with his arm otherwise occupied he couldn't exactly push her off, especially when the light colouring on her cheeks told him that that move took a lot of courage. So, he stuffed them in his front pocket.

The restaurant was long and wide, with a bar and register set up directly in the middle of the venue, the whole section was surrounded by bench-work that allowed patrons to take up a stool and have a drink. In the centre of that outlined square was units that displayed the vast selection of alcohol, valves and glasses ready to be used. Around the wooden island were a collection of tables and chairs that spilled out through the restaurant. Many sat only two people. Down the back had larger tables for families or functions. The front windows were huge, starting from the ceiling until about table height – that way they could be raised and hooked to the outside roof covering. It allowed for the outside to be invited in and was perfect on nights like this.

The solid walls on either side of the restaurant had large arch windows painted in black. Thick, heavy drapes hung over them on rods as if they were real windows. It felt like the building was standing alone in the countryside, not joined with a bookstore on one side and another restaurant on the other, especially because a detailed scenery was painted in the 'window-walls'.

Alec let Olivia walk in first and she asked for a table for two, which was easy since there were still plenty of spaces – this particular restaurant was more notorious for getting busy later in the night, the curious layout of the bar was an attraction for those who had already had dinner or spent the evening out and wanted to gather around comfortably over a few drinks. The waitress sat them at a table near the open window, Alec had a view of the lit up street.

Olivia politely picked up the menu, flicking past the wine list and entree pages. Alec followed suit, occasionally he caught her glancing over the leather bound booklet at him. When the waitress took their order with a smile, Olivia rested her hands on her thighs,"So..."

* * *

It had been a full half hour before the two had gotten their meals, enjoying them in comfortable silence. It had taken some time but, finally, they had broken the ice and started talking about movies, books and music. As it turned out, Olivia was a big bookworm, but had yet to fall in love with Shakespeare, saying that she was going to start reading his work soon but she still had a few more classics to get through first. Alec was a sucker for classics, but did not bother to expand on the topic, instead he continued to hand the conversation over to Olivia so she could keep talking with a rapt expression about the books she had read.

It flowed ideally, yet Alec felt as if there were something desperately missing. It did not claw at him like a hungry animal, rather, it was the strange emptiness of a mass of water - it was full, but the stagnant nature seemed formidable.

As they waited for their waitress to arrive and take their plates and dessert order, Olivia excused herself to go to the bathroom. By now, the restaurant had filled many more tables and there was plenty of noise to swallow any silence that Alec found himself sitting in now. It was like wave after wave of voices attempting to smother the other and Alec was the quite ripple in the aftermath that was the only evidence that something had occurred.

Their waitress came by, piling the empty plates along her arm, she slipped away making sure to tell Alec she would be back to take the rest of their orders. He smiled at her departure, taking the pepper shaker between his fingers and twirling it around just to keep his hands and mind busy.

In no time, she was back with a note pad, dragging Alec away from his thoughts and giving him a flirty smile that would go unnoticed by him. Alec gave his and Olivia's order since she told him to order if the opportunity arose while she was gone. The girl left in a spin of her black uniform skirt. When Alec's eyes settled to the empty chair across him, he was not surprised to find it occupied. It was about time.

"Did you order me something?" A flash of white teeth and an all too hopeful voice.

Alec narrowed his eyes, "I knew you'd find some way of sitting in." He sat back into his chair, exhaling loudly as if to demonstrate that Magnus was not that unpredictable.

"Sitting in?" Magnus asked with his eyebrows raised, "Are you kidding me? I've been hanging around the whole time. I was just careful to be out of your eye sight. I couldn't pass this up. Not a chance. Especially all that cutesie talk about favourite movies." He inspected his hails. "She's really not that original. Everyone likes 'The Notebook." He also leaned back into his chair, but his movement emitted a sense of comfort and satisfaction that Alec lacked even though his shoulders relaxed more at the sight of Magnus.

Alec looked down, grinning at Magnus' 'enthusiasm'. He liked to label it that because there was not much else you could say to justify it.

"Did you get to order?"

Olivia returned. Magnus was gone. Immediately, Alec's grin dropped and he straightened himself up, focusing back to the girl with him. "Yep, it might take a while, I just did it."

* * *

A bright pool of light flooded Olivia's front garden when they both activated the sensor. Alec squinted momentarily and Olivia seized the chance to quickly unlock the door and take Alec's hand.

"Tonight was great. I mean, people say that all the time but I think we passed the uncomfortable part and that's a good sign." Her words were rushed, she wanted to get them out quickly so there was no time to second guess herself.

Alec nodded as if he were prodding her further.

"Thank you," she finally added, looking at Alec's lips. For anyone else, they would have picked up on that signal, but not Alec.

"It's okay, I enjoyed it too." Honestly, Alec still did not feel as satisfied as he thought he should be. He was still missing something. But, how would he know, he never did this. He had nothing to relate this feeling to in order to decide if it were good or bad. But a shiver of unhappiness slipped over him like fine silk over bare skin, running down fluidly and unmistakably. Alec did not believe what he was saying despite every other sign telling him otherwise.

Alec felt the light grip on his hand tighten and he became very much aware of it now. She leaned in a little, her position on the step above Alec's meant they were almost the same height. Now, he knew what was happening.

And he didn't want it to happen. Nothing inside of him agreed with responding accordingly. An empty part of his heart could not settle with doing this. He retracted his hand from hers. The first cold snap of the night brushed past both of them at the loss of contact.

"I– I'm sorry. It's that– I can't. Sorry." He did not dare face her, he did not want to guess what her expression might be, let alone see it for himself. "Tonight was fun, but maybe we should just stay friends?" Alec felt both relieved and terrible for saying that.

This wasn't right. And every fibre in Alec's body appeared to be telling him that.

Olivia took a step back, the hand she used to hold Alec's fell to her side. "Oh," her huge eyes met Alec's, confusion written all over her face. It was obivious that she did not understand the sudden turn of events. Alec did not think he understood either. He was sort of lost at the moment, drifting alone with his eyes shut, trying to find whatever it was that he was looking for, but with each word he spoke he felt that it was pushing him into the right direction.

"I don't know Olivia. I'm- I'm just sorry."

Somehow, even looking at the expression on her face, Alec knew she would not cry over this – Olivia would not waste her time doing that. At least that is what Alec hoped. He tried to find comfort in that. Although, nothing stopped him from feeling bad for feeling good about actually taking some initiative of his own. It was so complex and Alec did not think it should be like this. At least when he stayed out of the spotlight he was not hurting anyone's feelings. How could Magnus say that it was a good thing to be selfish when it only stung more to do this?

She began nodding rapidly, "Yeah, that's alright," there was a pause so she could clear her throat. "I mean, that's what this was for. I'll– um– see you at school?" Olivia stepped backwards into her house, wanting to hide herself behind the door so she did not have to keep looking at the blue-eyed boy before her, who only reminded her more of how stupid she was.

Quickly, Alec made a grab for her wrist. "Oh god, please don't be angry at me. I'm just so... all over the place." He forced himself to keep his voice steady, "I don't know what to say without sounding like an A-grade asshole." To Alec's credit, his eyes were wide and concerned, fighting with the rest of his features to be a clear window into what was really going on in his head.

"No, I get it. You're distracted. You always have been, probably always will be. You've got your family to worry about. I should have seen it before. Save you all your pathetic fumbling." Her gentle laughter broke her face into a wide smile. It had an element of sadness to it, but her eyes did not hold that same emotion and that relieved Alec. "Alec, you're a really amazing guy, you do a lot for your family, I shouldn't have expected you to jump into something more than a friendship. Or maybe it was me," she continued before Alec could voice his objection to the statement, "the main thing is that it doesn't matter. It's probably better that it didn't work out because it would only be another thing for you to worry about. It's okay."

To her relief, Olivia felt better after saying that to Alec. The truth coming out in a way that she didn't expect. She knew that it was the best thing to say as well as what needed to be said. As much as it only soothed her minutely, it would make Alec relax and, to her, that was probably the most important thing right now. Too often did she recognise that he was strung out.

The blue-eyed boy stood there for a moment, completely lost in the situation. At least she was not screaming at him, or crying. A certain warmth rushed up inside of him like he had finally slept after a week of endless days. The world returned to his ears, it seemed to ring clearer than it had in a long time. He no longer felt like he was balancing on the edge of discomfort.

Olivia smiled, knowing that perhaps she wasn't as stupid in doing this as she first thought. "Goodnight, Alec."

* * *

Numbly, Alec walked back to his car and drove home. At the door Izzy threw herself in his way. "Oh, thank god. I'm taking the car, girl crisis one-oh-one with Clary." Alec did not need to know she was actually going to see Simon for a bit, he would probably end up giving her some lecture or have some weird conversation with Simon the next day. "When I get back you'll tell me everything. I mean it, Alec. Max is already in bed, most likely reading." She quickly pecked Alec on the cheek and was out the door.

"Okay," Alec drawled, already knowing that she could not hear him. He went into the kitchen slowly, spotting an empty pizza box and two unwashed glasses. At least Izzy babysat their brother properly before leaving in a flash. Next, he walked down to his brother's room, only to find him asleep in his clothes and an open book in his hands. The oldest Lightwood boy pulled off his brother's glasses, folding them before placing them in between the pages of the unfinished book to mark it for when Max woke up. There was no need to wake him up now, he looked happy.

Alec liked seeing his brother like this. It gave him hope that at least one of them might grow up to be normal.

Shutting off the lights, Alec shuffled to his own room at the far end of the hallway.

"Date didn't go as planned then, hmm? Or perhaps, not to how _she_ planned it."

This time Alec did not startle. "Magnus, stop doing that." He narrowed his eyes at his friend.

"What am I going to do? I'm not going to announce myself every time I visit. 'Magnus Bane requests an audience with Alec Lightwood,'" he finished grandly.

"That's your last name?" Alec blinked.

"Don't change the subject." Magnus scolded from the other side of the room, "I saw you at Olivia's house."

"Jesus, do you follow me everywhere?" The blissful nothing that transferred to Alec from seeing Max's sleeping form dissipated.

Magnus smirked. "Maybe," but he schooled his features to accommodate the atmosphere his words brought to the room.

"There was nothing to see." Alec deadpanned.

"Right, so you rejecting her for a kiss was 'nothing to see.'"

Alec ran a hand through his hair, pushing away pieces of hair that had fallen into his eyes as well as the tiredness that had crept in throughout the night, "It's no big deal." He did not want to talk to Magnus about this.

"Really?" Magnus' eyebrows shot up, like they usually did when he didn't believe a word of what was being said. "Why would you do that?"

"It's nothing."

"Alec. Don't mock me. You could have kissed her, but you didn't. The date was what it should have been from what I saw. She's pretty. You seem to like her. Why is it then that you wouldn't kiss her? There must be a reason."

"There's no reason! Why must there always be a reason?"

There was silence for an immeasurable amount of time.

"What is it?" Now, Magnus' voice was much smaller than it normally was, like he knew that there was more to it than what was sitting right in front of him. He treated it with more care this time, making sure that he saw the Alec's shoulders relax as the words left his mouth.

"Fine. I– I haven't kissed anyone before." Alec trailed off, saying more than Magnus could hear.

Magnus swallowed, he was initially treating this as a bit of a joke, but now Alec looked even more worked up than before, with his elbows on his knees and head in his hands sitting on his bed – lonely. "What was the rest of that?"

"I – uh said, that I didn't want it to be her. I don't know why. But it felt wrong, like I was doing wrong to her as well and I couldn't push that aside. Aren't first kisses meant to be special?"

Oh god, could Alec be any more of the poster-child for 'Sweet and Innocent' magazine?

"It's not your fault that you didn't want to kiss her. Don't feel bad. She seemed to have held herself together anyway." Magnus walked around the room for a bit, letting Alec have some space in his personal silence. It was what he needed. There was no one that was going to relax Alec unless it was Alec himself. Before long, Magnus sat next to him on the bed, their thighs touching.

"I told you, Alec, you have to do what you want to, there's nothing wrong with that."

Alec smiled.

Magnus could not help but return it.

He got up, leaving Alec sitting on the bed. "I can't believe you just couldn't tell me that." The spark in his eye helped lighten the atmosphere.

"Magnus," Alec's tone was accusatory. Magnus could practically hear his eye roll.

"Alright," he whispered, stopping in front of Alec and bending at the hips to reach eye-level with him.

They were so close now, closer than what they usually were. Magnus moved in, angling his head to the side and running his nose along Alec's smooth jaw-line. A quiver of ease spilled down Alec's spine, filling the gap between each notch and releasing them. Unconsciously, Alec raised his head a little, turning it to the side – he shut his eyes, fluttering closed.

Magnus' touch was so gentle, unbelievably measured, making Alec's breath shorten and ripples of pin-pricks run down his body, and Magnus still wasn't using his hands, just the soft strokes of his closeness made Alec's mind go blank. His friend turned ever so slightly and now Alec felt his lips at his own jaw. They hesitated for a moment, parted slightly against his skin. Alec did not believe the change in his body at such a simple gesture. Magnus pressed a small kiss to the boy's cheek, the feeling running down the entire right side of his body. He was not even aware of it, but Alec's hands were clenched around the fabric of his bed sheets in anticipation.

When Alec opened his eyes, it was like he was tired and he was slowly blinking away the drowsiness. The first thing he saw was Magnus about thirty centimetres away from him. Everything was so delicate in that moment, that a breath would shatter it. Maybe that was why Alec was holding his.

His chest gave way to a heavy rise and fall to take in what it could through Alec's lips. His intakes and releases could be heard in the silent room. It was quiet, though, like the brush of a feather, only audible when nothing was there to snatch it away.

Alec's fragile crystal gaze rose to Magnus' eyes, he was still, not having moved since Magnus leaned in.

The silence told him this was right.

Magnus moved in again, connecting his lips to Alec's ones , despite the light layer on disbelief that he noticed was losing it's grip on Alec. He pressed a little firmer than before, hoping to transfer some meaning. He finally felt Alec press back, the lightest of pressures, or maybe it was because he was not connected to the world, like Alec. He didn't feel like him, so this was new. Alec pulled back slowly and Magnus was satisfied.

"Was that okay?" It sounded below a whisper even to Magnus' own ears.

Magnus had _kissed_ him. _Kissed him_. It was the warmest feeling in the world, it had grasped him and poured new feelings inside of him. He leaned backwards and pushed away, further to the centre of the bed, away from Magnus, his legs forced to straighten out as they could no longer reach over the edge. It was the best he could do, Magnus was so close in front of him, backwards was the only answer. The distance felt necessary for some reason.

But he could feel an overwhelming sense of right flooding him, unlike it had with Olivia. He wanted this. Alec _wanted_ to kiss Magnus. The difference was unbelievably comforting. And Alec realised that now his contentment had never felt so perfect. He had not noticed that this whole time he was feeling off-balance. Uneasy. Dissatisfied.

Carefully, Magnus knelt onto the bed, on either side of Alec's calves. The other boy held himself up with his palms flat against the bed and his arms bracketed behind him. His eyes shone when Magnus advanced closer to him on his knees. Both kept their eyes trained on each other, taking in all that they could in the air between them.

"Alec."

He bent forward, placing his own hands near Alec's so he was practically on all fours above the blue-eyed boy's half raised body. Magnus kissed him again. He used a gentle hand to collect the boy's chin and smoothly pull it down so his lips would part, easing his tongue in to meet Alec's in his mouth. They touched tentatively and by the almost imperceptible shake of the bed, Magnus knew Alec's arms were quaking in reaction.

Knowing that quick and messy was not the best idea, Magnus only allowed his tongue to dip underneath Alec's softly before rising up to slowly round the other boy's still tongue. He dragged his own back into his mouth, inviting Alec to follow with a coaxing pull. Instead, the boy's hands fell away and he rested on his elbows, descending into the bed more.

To Alec, this was all unreal, Magnus above him, prodding him towards unimaginable pleasure. He could not describe the total experience, but when he felt another hand that did not belong to him on his chest, the warmth seeping through the thin material of the shirt, he finally responded in a way that Magnus could recognise. A hitching gasp broke between their lips and all Alec wanted to do was relieve the pressure that was now on his elbows and sink into the warmth of Magnus. The hand left his chest and found respite at the base of his neck. With this support, Alec allowed Magnus to lie him down properly, ensuring that he kept up with the rhythmic kissing.

Now, Alec decided that he should not be worried about what Magnus thought, he was consumed with the desire to reciprocate what Magnus had caused him to feel. He attempted to match Magnus' movements and return some of the pressure, pushing upwards with his lips and entangling tongues. There was no negative response, so he must have been doing something right. He tried again, his hand resting low on Magnus' hip, the dark jeans rough under his fingers. He could feel each groove in the material where the pockets were stitched on and the metal detailing surrounded the lining.

Magnus lowering his body a fraction under the weight of the touch, but a large space still remained as Magnus held himself over Alec, bending to keep the contact only between their lips.

The restraint of the kiss was palpable, but only added to the desire, traveling warmly in Alec's veins.

Amongst all the nothing floating in Alec's head that was governed by the feel of Magnus with him, he could only process how happy he was right now and it did not need to be physically represented through a smile, a laugh or a shout. He found reassurance in this silent happiness, like it was his friend. It was a personal thing. His happiness was his to own and as long as it held strong within him it could not be taken. Even if on the outside he seemed frightened or motionless underneath Magnus, a beautiful essence of pure emotion settled inside of him and Magnus was slowly drawing it out of him. Magnus could bring it to life. He could bring Alec to life.

There was a hand, carefully placed, on his thigh. Alec did not expect that part of him to be that sensitive, or maybe Magnus' bizarrely warm hands woke up numb nerves. The hand shifted, fingers were curling to the inside of his leg, finding the inseam of his jeans. With Alec's involved participation, their kiss had progressed deeper with more incessant mouths that pushed to give and receive, Magnus had caught Alec's bottom lip between his teeth, while the boy underneath struggled to catch his breath.

Magnus did not let that last for long, he returned with more urgent lips, pushing Alec a little further into the sheets. His hand moving up, brushing more of Alec's thigh and subsequently spreading the heat. It only inched higher every time Magnus completed a cycle of taking Alec's breath away through a number of well learnt kissing techniques, he took the pleased whimpers Alec was making as a sign to continue his hand's journey.

Soon there was no more thigh and all the accumulated warmth settled lower in his stomach, weighting down a coil that grew taut with pleasure. Magnus touched the middle of Alec's jeans with surprising reverence but it was enough for the boy to break off violently with an eye-opening gasp of sensitivity. Slowly, he felt the warmth trickle down to where Magnus' hand had left.

Magnus gripped the metal buckle of Alec's belt, shaking it lightly. "Better keep things above here," his voice was husky, it somehow matched the look in his green eyes. The tug on the belt released another gasp for air at the proximity of where Alec wanted Magnus' hand to be.

It was a curious sensation to not completely know what Alec was doing or feeling. Magnus hated this barrier, he could hear every noise that he elicited out of Alec, but anything he did he knew he was doing enough but it felt like it shouldn't be. He had never felt such a confusing mixture of emotions - total contentment and utter loss. But he was comforted by Alec, that's all he needed.

Alec's hands weakly found his shirt, fingers slipping between the fabric, trying to find purchase to get Magnus closer. Magnus obliged, lowering himself, careful to not lock their hips together.

The connection of their chests and knowing Magnus was breathing just as hard as Alec, sent his hands around the other boy's back, digging his fingers harder than he thought he could. Magnus groaned deeply against their constantly moving lips and Alec felt it translate over to him, bringing the satisfaction of knowing he did that to Magnus.

The air around them was still and captured the soft noises of their closeness. Every caress, kiss and gentle gasp lingered longingly with them, holding onto the moment as strongly as they were, because it was in that moment were they both discovered more of themselves. Finding it just at their fingertips. Their now thinly veiled actions broke passed what had gone unsaid for too long. Each slip of their bodies against each other was locked away in their memory.

Alec kissed the corner of Magnus' mouth, trailing lower to the underside of his jaw, but resting his face in his tanned neck. Magnus took over by copying Alec, however, he continued the journey down his neck and rounding up to his ear where the lovely soft flesh made Alec seize up with a wave of pleasure when he teased _just_ _so _with his teeth.

The world was forgotten, not even the cool night air blowing through Alec's open window could disturb them from each other. The curtains breathed in and out, stretching as if to reach out to them and call them back to the present, when the breeze was strong enough. Alec's lamp light was a warm orange that was like a thousand candles clutching onto their flame steadily and it was almost unreal that the light did not waver with the wind.

Alec nipped at the strip of skin available to him – Magnus's neck – licking it to sooth it, contradicting that by sucking hard. The boy above him more or less became immobilized - his hands freezing in soft black curls that were not his own. He was absorbing everything that Alec graced him with, focusing intently on the most subtle of movements and allowing them to resonate deeply in his body. Magnus was going to cherish it all.

There was no room in Alec's head to consider what he would look like to anyone else right now. Having Magnus with him surpassed everything. There was no one else he could trust like this. It was perhaps because they were such close friends already that they could pass the formalities. They were comfortable enough to give each other this, once Magnus had helped them over come this hurdle. This is how he wanted to feel when he was with someone and he did not realise that he was holding onto it this entire time with Magnus.

Eventually, they found solace in lying together on his bed, no need for breath-taking kisses, just each other. Alec trusted himself with lightly tracing his fingers over Magnus' skin as he lay beside him, thinking of nothing that could compare with seeing him sigh gently and fall into the feeling of his touch. A small smile rested calmly on their lips, recalling when they were connected together moments ago.

When Izzy came home she fully intended to interrogate Alec, but Magnus quickly warned him and the boy pretended to be asleep. She left without attempting to wake him up and Magnus giggled happily in Alec's ear at their triumph.

**Well it's about time! Right?!  
****I can't believe I left you all without Malec until Chapter 8 (technically 9). ****I'm so bad to you all.** Hopefully, you enjoyed it and that it made up for the wait. When I initially wrote it down it was four pages long.  
Alice helped so much with choosing the right song for this! She went crazy on finding songs for me, and they were so beautiful it was hard to choose! She's a total trooper, I couldn't ask for a more perfect person to be helping me with everything.  
Thank you all so much for the support.  
**Mistakes are my own.  
Please review!**


	10. Oh, You Can't Just Dance Around Me

**Hey, sorry for the very late update, I was busy but also just very lazy as well.  
****I wanted this to be a decent follow up from last chapter and I discovered that that was difficult.  
****Alice, this would probably still be undone if it wasn't for your motivating, encouraging words. Thank you!  
************Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments series.**

**Chapter 9 ****– Oh, you can't just dance around me.****  
**

19th of March, 2012 (Monday)

Magnus had disappeared sometime between morning and night, leaving Alec on his own. It did not ease Alec's mind, especially since he had many unanswered questions fogging up reality. There was not much he could make of anything. However, Saturday night was pure bliss – just having Magnus with him, touch him, kiss him. The memory brought a delicate flush to his cheeks. He never thought he would get the chance to do something like that. Ever.

On Saturday, they had laid out across Alec's bed, sharing light touches or brief kisses, but not one word was said. It was spent looking at each other and feeling each other with more reverent intensity than Alec thought possible. Magnus just knew exactly what to do. How to not make Alec feel uncomfortable. To not go fast. To just be there for Alec.

They smiled at each other lazily, content to not have to face any of their worries just yet. Magnus' eyes closed – shutting away the vivid green – when Alec had reached out to touch his face, drawing the pad of his thumb across his cheek.

He had woken up the next morning alone, still in his clothes from the date and his arm outstretched, resting in front of him. The sun was peering through his curtains, filling the room with enough light so that he could recognise where he was without being blinded. His shirt was rumpled with sleep, still untucked at the front where Magnus' relentless fingers dragged up his chest, bringing the shirt with him.

But the morning not only brought back the sweet memories with Magnus, it made it harder to register Magnus' absence. He wished that the confusion he felt did not exist, so it could not drag him down into a shroud of uncertainty. He longed for everything he felt with Magnus on his bed, but those feelings were the ones that created the confusion. Everything beautiful still had imperfections and now Alec was wondering what exactly was the imperfection of their moment. The fact that it was with Magnus, or that Alec enjoyed kissing him or that he didn't know what to think of himself anymore.

He never put much thought into who he liked. It seemed weird, but he just assumed that whatever would happen, would happen. Alec did not have a single image in his head of what he saw for himself in the future. He guessed that most people saw their dream job, or travel, or a nice family. What Alec wanted was never solely for himself. He saw Izzy getting into college, making new friends, perhaps finding a boy that Alec didn't have to kill and Max growing up happy, maybe even growing out of his books a little, but still holding onto his child-like nature.

Time did not permit him to find interest or affections for anyone else. At least that was what Alec thought. He couldn't just start going out with someone and neglect his family in favour of another. And if it did not work out that way, simply adding another person to those he deeply cared about scared him. He found it hard enough to be who he was now for his siblings. Somewhere along the years of brief parental visits, Alec lost himself, instead he molded into what he _thought_ his parents expected him to be. After so long of being this, he didn't know if he would be exactly where he was now if his parents were actually there and his family was like everybody else's.

Being with Magnus made him feel all brand new, like, for the first time, the real Alec with his own life and potential was really present.

Alec could never blame anyone but his parents. There were times where he was positive that he hated them. Just the bland looks on their faces as if they came home every day from a nine to five job instead of a six month business trip. It angered him that he still allowed his actions to subconsciously be dictated by them. He was motivated to do well in school because other kids had parents that would scold them to do their homework and Alec did not want to disappoint them with a bad result, although, it had been a long time since Robert or Maryse had seen a report card. Without even realising, he still wanted to be the son that they could be proud of. It proved to be in vain. And yet, Alec still tried. And sometimes he thought he shouldn't blame his parents.

Being as he was, Alec did not connect with many people and often misunderstood advances. He knew he did that to himself and therefore grew comfortable in what he did know and steered clear of what he didn't. Magnus had changed everything. The unknown did not seem so daunting when it felt like that. But his confusion ran even deeper. What did everything mean for him now?

He hadn't thought about it before, but, really, Alec didn't think there was a designated moment in everyone's life where they have a moment of clarity. Even if it was true, which was completely absurd, Alec would say his moment was on Saturday night.

So did that mean he was gay? He definitely didn't think people just woke up and thought, "I'm gay". No, it was something that apart of the person. Something that Alec had only truly accessed that night.

He had held his breath and rubbed awkwardly at his face at his mental realisation, trying to slow down that train of thought. Although, that thought, could not be undone and Alec had never felt so distant in his life. Discovering more about yourself should come as a reassurance because it consolidated that he was still moving forward, learning, becoming, being – not stuck in a rutt like he often felt. It sat heavily in his mind, weighed down further by questions and worries and nerves.

Not for the first time that morning did Alec wish Magnus was there to help him with his disjointed thoughts. Why had he left him after such a night? Did he regret what had happened?

Alec lay back on his bed, doing his best to organise what he could in his head before he saw Magnus again.

They had kissed.

Magnus started it.

It wasn't like anything Alec had experienced.

He really liked Magnus as a friend and that made it easier to recognise other feelings inside of him.

He needed to talk to Magnus.

* * *

Monday at school was traveling better than anticipated. He at least survived Izzy the day before, trying to be as honest as possible without divulging the entire night, but he had summarized that he did not expect it to grow passed just the one date. She did, however, enjoy Alec's recount of the date before he got up to that part. He tried to give her what she wanted and he had apparently succeeded in doing just that because she did not ask any further probing questions due to dissatisfication.

Initially, she glared at Alec for the abrupt end of their date, but she amended, encouraging Alec to try going on another date with someone else instead and not rule out dating entirely.

It was really difficult to be so honest with his sister while deceiving himself since all he wanted to do was tell her about kissing Magnus in hope of getting some advice. But, he couldn't tell anyone, ever, because no one would believe him. Then, everything became more complicated than he hoped.

He felt so lost.

* * *

English with Jace proved to be much worse than Izzy.

"So I had to hear from other people that you went out on a date with Olivia. From other people, Alec. What's up with you? Are we not friends? I thought that would be something you might mention somewhere along the line." The blonde had found Alec easy enough towards the back of the English classroom.

Jace was earlier than he normally was. Often, the boy would aim to arrive right on the bell, he did that for every class, but Alec sensed that there was a reason behind such punctuality and from the first thing that came out of his mouth, Alec knew he was right. The black-haired boy in question jumped a little when Jace had started talking. He looked like he was in a world of his own as Jace was approaching him. Jace gave Alec a curious look when he finally noticed his presence. Alec knew that his face must have been giving something away and therefore attempted to school it accordingly, so Jace did not have any way of reading his own discomfort.

Alec did feel bad, Jace had every right to be annoyed at him, but then again, why did everyone have to know exactly what he was doing all the time? It wasn't like Jace told him when he was going on a date with Clary for the first time, it sort of just began and Alec had to to get up to speed with it.

Alec scooted uncomfortably in his chair as Jace sat opposite him at his desk with his back to the board. "Sorry," he said honestly to Jace. After all, if he could tell Izzy the edited version of the date, he sure as hell could tell Jace.

Just a simple apology appeared to have brightened Jace up dramatically – Alec was more than relieved to be relatively off the hook with Jace in that sense, but was wary of how this interrogation could conclude.

He relaxed and rested his crossed arms on the desk to get a clear view of his best friend. "So, are you going to tell me how the date went?" he gave Alec a knowing wink. He had only heard about the date through Clary and yet, she didn't provide much information. She managed to talk and talk to Izzy and to other girls for hours but news of Alec's date didn't get uncovered until two days of it happening.

Alec had to remind himself that he could choose who he told about the people he was dating in order to make himself feel more comfortable with his decision to not tell Jace as soon as Olivia asked him. He had not gone out with the intention of hurting Jace's feeling. At least Jace did not appear to have viewed it as Alec wanted to hide the fact on purpose, he would not have responded well if it was a ploy to keep everyone in the loop, but Jace.

"Well, she asked me out on the Tuesday after school." Jace remained motionless, however, there was a quality to his face that spoke of something hidden. Something that did not necessarily relate to the topic at hand. It was like the sparkle in someone's eye that remained long after the laughter ceased. Jace found something intriguing but Alec didn't know what it was.

Jace brightened internally, waiting for Alec to continue.

"I, well, I picked her up from her house on the Saturday night." Alec shifted in his seat again, images from the Friday night where he had gone shopping for the date, appearing behind his furiously blinking eyelids. He left out that part entirely, knowing that Jace would have a thing or two to say about Alec _shopping_. Although, he did not neglect the thought of how what happened in the change-room could have been different if he and Magnus had kissed before that. There was part of him that wanted to find out. A rush of heat slipped through Alec and he knew he shouldn't be thinking like that.

"We went to that restaurant on Hoddle Street?" Alec turned the conversation back to Jace, asking if he knew the place.

Unfortunately for Alec, who was hoping Jace would recognise the place and go on a tangent about it, forgetting Alec was ever talking, Jace simply nodded his acknowledgement of the venue and silently urged Alec on.

"I guess we had dinner and got to talking about books and movies, that sort of stuff."

Alec wasn't really sure where to go from there, should he have mentioned that Olivia linked arms with him before they went into the restaurant? Or all those glances that he caught her give him? He did not tell Izzy about those things, so perhaps there was no need to tell Jace. It would be best to tell both of them similar stories just in case they end up discussing (which they probably would, later) and there are no holes in either version. Alec could imagine what would happen if Izzy or Jace received information that the other deemed more important.

"That restaurant is really nice. And you missed all the awkward chit-chat." For a second, Alec was confused as to who was speaking, "It was a bit sickly sweet on her behalf, trying so hard to find a conversation topic that our blue eyed wonder would actually get involved in. It was very sweet. Something out of a T.V show."

There he was, lying stomach down across three sets of school desks, legs bent at the knee swinging carelessly, looking directly at Jace as if he were the one recounting the date and Jace could hear him. His hair was set in black peaks, this time no colours interrupted the sheer black, but it still shimmered with glitter that must have been part of the product he had in it. Encased in a pair of shiny silver trousers that were as tight as ever, were said swinging legs and a blue military jacket hugged the stretch of his back since his arms were propped forward to hold up his chin in his hands.

Underneath the school desk, Alec's fingers twitched, longing to reach out and touch Magnus just like that night.

Alec felt like he was bursting at the seams with all these confusing emotions, thoughts and desires. Why did he have to come now? How was now a good time rather than yesterday?

As infuriated as Alec was, he was also conflicted by a deep need to return to the normalcy he felt with Magnus. Magnus had changed a lot of things, but this was not something that Alec had expected.

Alec wanted to fill in all the silences with his own edited version for Jace so there was no room for the blonde to ask questions. If Alec could make it appear like he had told Jace everything in the first go he might just be able to weasel out of telling him the exact details. Unfortunately, upon seeing Magnus, Alec promptly lost his train of thought, the split second he spent sparing a glance at the other boy was enough to give Jace time to butt in.

"Was she all in to you? You know how girls get." Alec did not want to admit that he did not know how girls got, but he safely assumed Jace was asking about how Olivia was acting on the night. Thinking back, she was really nervous and a lot of her sentences were chased by a little laugh or brief smile to cut through any tension. She looked just about as nervous as Alec had felt.

The classroom was slowly filling, other students chatting idly to each other to create a protective noise barrier for the two friends. Occasionally, their teacher would be late, shuffling inside with a flustered expression and an armful of papers and notebooks with a leather book bag trailing behind. Alec had hoped that today was not one of those days. If she was on time, that would mean she could arrive at any second and Jace would be forced to leave Alec alone or risk a detention However, there was a good chance that Jace would initiate a round of note passing to get all his questions answered.

Alec couldn't help it. It was like he was magnetically drawn to his relaxing friend, it was infuriating but in a strangely good way. He saw Jace's eyes follow to where Magnus was, and he obviously saw nothing, the expression on his face had told Alec that. He didn't want to appear nervous because it would give away that Alec was hiding something. Magnus had already told him what a terrible liar he was, it was his face that gave it away. Jace would easily pick it up and rightly accuse Alec of withholding more interesting information.

"Come on, Alec. Don't keep me waiting. I don't have all my life set out to wait for your response."

"I dunno," he huffed, "she looked at me a lot when she thought I wasn't looking. But people always do that to other people."

"She practically had hearts in her eyes." Magnus informed from his lying position on the desks. He grinned slyly at Jace and it was the first time Alec could recall that Magnus was not spitting mean things at the blonde.

Jace's grin in response to Alec's words was much different to Magnus'. While Magnus always held the promise of something more, Jace beamed genuinely for Alec and maybe a little for himself because Alec knew that was how Jace operated. "That's great, Alec. She probably really likes you. When's the next date?"

Alec's throat closed up. Just like it did before he told Isabelle. "Oh, let's see, well... I don't think we're going to do it again. We'll, um, just stay friends. It will be better that way."

The blonde's face fell of all emotion, then confusion began to etch its way over his brow. "What?"

"When I dropped her off we both decided to not continue anything any further." Alec found a new interest in the doodles that had been scratched onto his desk by another student with scissors.

"Really, that's it?"

"Hah," Magnus gave out a humourless laugh. "Yes. It was "

"This isn't the full story. Is it, Alec?" Jace had somehow pieced together all the useless information that he had provided and discovered that they were a really solid foundation. He knew Alec was hiding something. His eyes widened with excitement with a new thought. "Did you guys kiss?" he almost gasped, leaning forward, a smile breaking through.

Alec didn't say anything. The classroom door kept banging open against the wall with students entering carelessly. It pounded into Alec's head hollowly. Never before had it sounded so empty, but despite all the noise, it easily filtered away into the ceilings never to be recreated again in the exact same way. The exact tone, volume and pace would never be replicated. It would all die away to silence eventually and Alec wondered if he could ever fear such silence when it was in silent moments where he found the most peace. Exactly how it had been with Magnus. No busy restaurant, just the soft sounds of their togetherness.

"No." Alec fidgeted, "we didn't, ah, kiss."

"She wanted to though, should've seen her face."

Guilt twisted up Alec's spine and curled around his chest and tightened. He didn't think Olivia was that upset about it. Magnus was just being dramatic. That's all. She told him that she understood and that it was okay. Magnus said it was okay to do what he wanted. So, he couldn't kiss her, but he could kiss Magnus? His friend. Perhaps his _best_ friend even. Did that cross lines?

A quick glance toward Magnus proved to not clear anything up, except that maybe Magnus was not too worried about lines being crossed.

"You didn't kiss?" Jace asked, his face comically and thoroughly confused. Alec guessed that, like Izzy, Jace wasn't prepared to hear that, it finally dawning on him that, for the most part, he was telling the truth. It was just the final part that Alec had insisted on keeping quiet about and that was shining through when he told his story so that both of his highly perceptive sibling and friend would sense it but would most likely be unable to pin point it properly.

"No. They didn't. But do you know who _did_ in fact kiss that night?" Again, Magnus' focus was fixed on Jace, Alec just wanted some recognition, but at those words, he found himself now hoping Magnus would not look at him for fear of blushing ridiculously. Already he could feel his stomach swirl and jacket becoming too warm.

"Wh-," Jace was promptly cut off by their English teacher, who swept in and immediately targeted him.

"Mr Wayland, if you don't mind, could you please use the chairs as they were meant to be used and face the front of the classroom." She busily attended to her desk, setting it up for the class she herself was late for, organizing her papers. "Also, don't even think of opening your mouth to talk to Mr Lightwood, he can hold himself in this class, so please don't bring him down with you."

Instead of being outraged or upset, Jace grinned happily, used to the way the English teacher spoke to him. He picked himself up and made a show of moving around the desks to the one next to Alec. Half way through his journey their teacher gasped, "Shit." Most of the class snapped their heads up at the expletive.

"Class, I forgot the worksheets for this lesson in my office, I'll be back." She frantically dashed out of the room and Jace was immediately back on the seat in front of Alec.

"Where were we?" Jace settled again.

Alec looked away from both boys.

"Well," Magnus sniffed, "before I was so rudely ignored, I was just saying that Alec and I had our own little_ talk_ after the date. It consisted mainly of a bed, us two and a mind-blowing whorl of hot kisses. Mmmm." Magnus bit his lip at the end of his report, turning to lie on his back now. It was slightly reminiscent of Alec's position on his bed with Magnus over him. However, to Alec's horror, Magnus became more animated.

He let out a breathy sigh, rolling his head against the desk in faux passion. "It was just wonderful, Alec's an expert hair puller. At first glance, you'd think he was an average guy, but then,_ hel-lo_ hidden sex god."

Alec had to adjust himself, he didn't know what Magnus was playing at, but he was not giving Alec any attention at all. He just continued talking in a lewd manner. It wasn't helping Alec at all, even if Magnus was not necessarily talking to him, just hearing him talking like that was affecting Alec. Within seconds of Magnus writhing on the desks, recalling every moment, Alec was a blushing mess and he wasn't doing a good job at hiding it from Jace. All he could manage was a non-committed duck of his head to keep his view of Magnus limited, but the sounds his friend was making could not be blocked out.

Something in Alec curled pleasantly, it was similar to what he felt when Magnus' hand fell on his thigh.

Jace was saying something to him, having begun talking again after directing the conversation back to Alec once the teacher had left. Anything beyond Magnus had fallen deaf to Alec's ears.

Alec's heart hammered in his chest. He could feel it more than he could hear it. That only led to more blood rushing to his cheeks. He couldn't explain what was happening to him, but it was pretty obvious that he didn't need Magnus on top of him, administering deep kisses to achieve the same result. This wasn't how people felt about friends. Or even reacted to friends. Alec focused back to Jace and noticed that there was nothing there that could do the same. That was when he realised Jace was looking at him with a questioning gaze.

"What?"

Jace tilted his head to the side a little, much like a puppy, but there was a lot more ticking away in his head as he analysed Alec for a moment. "You look all flustered. And you just missed everything I said. Are you alright?" There could have been more concerned in Jace's expression, however, Jace tended to be more laid back than Izzy. And some part of Alec knew that he was enjoying all the squirming that he was doing in response to his pointed looks or questions.

"Jace Wayland. What did I say about talking to Mr Lightwood? Get your things that I see you have conveniently not unpacked and seat yourself over there." The newly-arrived teacher was pointing to an empty desk two rows away from Alec and seven seats across, it was the furthest she would be able to keep them.

Again, Jace slowly moved through the classroom and planted himself at his assigned desk. The girl next to him, straightened up in her chair and smiled at him. He winked back to her.

Alec was immensely relieved that Jace had not been able to pry any further because he wasn't sure how much longer he could try to cover his blush, let alone fumble his way through an excuse.

At the front of the room, their English had started the lesson, referring back to one of the assigned texts that Alec knew Jace hadn't even opened, it was probably lying in his locker. However, the world was quickly tuned out. Alec's thoughts immediately fell back to the boy still lying on the desks who had quietened down considerably, but the image of what he was doing previously lingered in his head. He would not dare to face Magnus just yet.

How could he look at Magnus any more when all he did was question what had happened? You didn't just do that with your friend. And even more so if your friend was a warlock that also happened to be invisible to everyone but you.

One problem at a time.

He felt just as wound up as he would be on any day with thoughts of assignments to hand in, essays to write or siblings to keep in line, but this kind of feeling did not make him stress. It was as if he had slowly built up all this static electricity, the atoms buzzing around hurriedly and one single touch from Magnus would be the connection that transfers the energy and releases the spark.

All Alec could bring to mind was all the times when Magnus was there with a smile on his face, or a witty come back or just _there_. No one had broken through to Alec like that. It was troubling to know that Magnus had become a constant in his life without he himself noticing how it happened. But, at the same time, he was comforted.

Alec decided that that was exactly how their relationship was. One and the other that managed to fit perfectly for them and no one else. Quiet and loud. Ostentatious and reserved. Unexpected and predictable. Controlled and free. Troubled and comforted. He had always seen how polar opposite they were.

Magnus finally allowed their gazes to lock. The corner of his mouth lifting knowingly at Alec. Alec's stomach suddenly dropped. It was that feeling of complete nothing that was the key. Magnus brought him at ease. He became all the things he described Magnus to be when he was with Magnus. Maybe not exactly to the same degree as Magnus. And it didn't matter what it was that Alec conjured in order to shut himself away like his old protective barriers because he was finally accepting what he wanted. He was finally happy.

There was no other way Alec could see it: Magnus was undoubtedly a positive force in Alec's life. It was incredible to be so close physically with Magnus that it couldn't be wrong no matter if they were best friends or two boys or anything.

Students started rising from their places, folding up their books, stashing away pens and pencils and hauling up piles of books into their arms. Alec had missed the entire lesson, but he was still very much aware of the fact that Magnus was still with him in the classroom and they hadn't spoken yet and more importantly they hadn't been able to touch since then, that need had only been growing stronger after Alec saw the other teen in the classroom.

They needed to talk. They needed to talk _now_.

**Okay, I hoped you liked it and that it was worth the wait. I am so sorry about the delay, I never expected to be so late with chapters, they were meant to be out every week with no problems...  
I'm very lucky to have gotten such lovely reviews from the previous chapter. Thank you so much!  
Because I didn't mention it in the 'Polaroids and Memories' update... Godfrey as Magnus, *dies*  
****Please tell me what you thought :)  
****Mistakes are my own.**


	11. Please, Please Understand Me

**Hey guys! I tried really hard to get this one out on time since last chapter was horribly over due.  
It is also a follow up from the previous chapter. I think things will start moving on the timeline next.  
****Alice, your help is always needed and you save me every time and you're always there to be someone who I can just explode my stupid brain to.  
************Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments series.**

**********Chapter 10 ********– Please, please understand me.**  


19th of March, 2012 (Monday)

Thankful that he had gotten his blush under control, Alec joined his fellow classmates in their departure from the English room. Being at the back, he was the last student to exit. Jace was hovering on the outside of the door, obviously waiting for him, but his head was down, looking at his phone. He raised his head once and then a second time to acknowledge Alec.

"Clary wants to see me before the next class, better go." They weren't even in the next class together, so Alec didn't mind. It was better in his eyes because no longer would he have to listen to questions about his date.

By the door, Alec turned around, eyes immediately finding the back tables in the room, which he just occupied. He was not surprised to not see Magnus there. The classroom was now one-hundred percent empty, except for him and his teacher, who now began to watch Alec curiously as he lingered. Before she said anything, Alec provided a quick, non-committal smile and turned on his heel towards his next class. It was a bit of a trek from the English room, requiring dedicated ambling through a number of corridors.

"Gee, don't look so disappointed at not seeing me." Magnus announced sarcastically at Alec's previous reaction in the classroom. He joined Alec's side and walked to the next lesson with him. The halls were not that crowded since it was getting close to the bell ringing again and they could walk together without weaving through clusters of people.

Magnus spent part of their walk assessing the other students that they passed. "Ew, ew, ew, ew, no, ew."

Now with Magnus closer than he was in English, all Alec wanted to do was touch the hand that was in danger of swinging by and brushing his own, or bump his shoulder with Magnus'. But he couldn't decide how that would look in this public place. He knew there was no way that they could embrace or hold hands or anything of that sort. Maybe, just maybe, he could get away with a sneaky, well timed touch and cover it up with a mundane action like shuffling through the text books clutched in his arm.

Before he could make a decision, he arrived to his next class and he was left yearning for Magnus more because his last opportunity was closing fast in front of his eyes and he was yet to be satisfied.

There were a few spots left and Alec reluctantly took one towards the middle. He did not share this class with any of his friends. Although, he did recognize one of Jace's jock friends at the front of the room and the guy's girlfriend perched happily in his lap, since class hadn't started yet. To his left, a girl was so engrossed in a conversation with her friend, also on Alec's left, that she was sitting on the extreme end of her seat so she could whisper effectively to the other girl.

Magnus used this to his advantage and sat on her desk, facing Alec. His incredibly long, slender legs swung like a child's, but they never made contact with Alec. It was as if everything Magnus did was perfectly designed to never touch him, further driving him insane.

He wore a maddeningly happy smile that could have been stolen from a child that was holding onto a secret.

_That smug bastard,_ Alec's thoughts turned bitter as another fresh wave of unsatisfied pleasure jolted through him, until it settled low in his gut, building up.

Alec eyed Magnus, his features displaying how frustrated he was and silently trying to communicate to the other that he should leave if he was just going to be a distraction before they finally found the time to talk. The other boy did not seem particularly fazed if he noticed Alec and therefore did not act on Alec's silent messages.

Alec wanted to inject as much of his frustration into one glare so it could be the one that got the message across.

"You look like a puppy trying too hard, sweetheart." Magnus didn't look up from where his eyes were fixed on his legs.

Alec cursed just about everything he knew for not being able to get up right now and fire back with a clever retort, then take Magnus then and there just to find some sort of release for his tension. The stupid thing was was that he _knew_ he could do it, but he would look completely mental in front of the class. Only that was stopping him. It annoyed Alec that Magnus could do that to him. Never before had he wanted to act on such a whim. He was used to working through plans and firm foundations.

Magnus was holding a pen, that Alec was sure was his, and put it between his teeth, grinning slyly and laughing at Alec as if he knew Alec's thoughts. He drew the pen across his bottom lip, watching Alec the entire time.

_That's how you're going to play?_ Alec thought while he shifted in his chair, pulling his gaze from Magnus.

The teacher had long since started another class that Alec was yet again not going to pay attention to. Before, he was a mixture of embarrassed and slightly thrilled. Now, Alec couldn't describe his inner turmoil.

He stuck his hand up, giving Magnus a pointed look that practically screamed _watch me_. "Come down to the front, Alec, with your question."

The class was doing some individual activity that he missed the instructions for. Alec weaved through the desks and stopped by his teacher's desk. "May I be excused to go to the bathroom?"

The teacher rolled their eyes and waved Alec off. He was glad to see Magnus waiting by the exit for Alec. They both left and Alec purposely put space between them. The halls were quiet, although, the echo of shoes against the school linoleum warned that there were others wandering elsewhere in the maze.

He could feel Magnus' curious eyes on him.

They passed a set of bathrooms and took another turn, with Magnus simply following him, this time with nothing to say.

When Alec did enter his selected bathroom, Magnus was right behind him. In no time, the other boy was grasped by the jacket and pulled up to a solid wall. His back made contact with a thud. Alec immediately pressed his lips to Magnus' ones that were parted in surprise. He had been waiting to do that since Sunday and now this broken dam was not going to stop until it was empty. Their thighs, stomachs and chests were lined up perfectly, that all they needed to do was pull closer.

Magnus' hands stilled at Alec's waist, locking him in place so he couldn't move away, but he also couldn't push close enough to generate friction. Alec noticed this and tried to break the restraint to satisfy his need.

He was so unpracticed at kissing that he didn't know what to do to make Magnus feel the same. There were plenty of movies that he could recall that had some sort of kissing scene, but none of those could accurately help him. There was still something about cinema that seemed fake in his head. He couldn't utilize it now because right now doing what felt right became his guide.

The sensation of lips against lips dictated his every move. He was so overwhelmed, and he bit down on Magnus' lower lip without realising. Just as he was about to stop and be brought back to reality with a crash, Magnus released a deep moan in the small area not consumed by their bodies. The sound dragged Alec deeper into the haze of Magnus and encouraged him to continue with more fervor.

This made up for every little grin, word and tease that Alec was subject to. The feelings that had built up were leaving him through the points that they were connected. He felt his hand run up Magnus' side, inside his jacket, then round down to his flat stomach, copying Magnus' trailing hands when he was touching himself during English. He seemed to remember because he let out a whine in acknowledgement.

Like with any burst of contained energy, Alec slowed down, ending with sporadic pecks to Magnus' lip. It confirmed that he _could_ do this; kiss Magnus. He would just lean in for a second, kiss him, then chase it with another ten more. Finally, he rested his forehead against Magnus', turning to the right just a touch. Both of their breaths came in short gasps, mingling together as the boys had just done.

Alec rested happily against Magnus, eyes still shut. "Sorry," he breathed, the right side of his face connected with Magnus' left. "I needed to check if you were real." His laugh came in a breathless exhalation.

Magnus' chest rose and fell heavily between them, he too had his eyes closed. "If that's how you're going to react all the time, I'll be much worse than that."

"Don't you dare." It came out as a sort of growl because Alec was trying to stifle his laughter and the thrill that shuddered up his body at the thought of what else Magnus could come up with that was _worse_.

They were quiet for a few blissful moments, Magnus having caught his breath faster than Alec. "We still need to... talk" Alec gasped, remembering the real reason why Alec wanted to get Magnus alone.

Magnus turned them around, putting Alec against the wall. He leaned in close, their lips _just_ touching. "I'll wait for you back at home," Alec could feel every movement of Magnus' lips as he spoke and it was driving him crazy again; his pulse rising. "So you can have more of this."

Alec opened his eyes and Magnus was gone. His head fell back to the wall and his eyes rose heaven-ward. Only silence remained, although, this type of silence mocked Alec's vain attempt at keeping Magnus close. He could almost hear the echo of Magnus bounce off the walls.

* * *

To say that the last two hours of school were long was a gross understatement. Alec was practically itching to go home. At the back of his mind, he was mildly relieved for not having chemistry that day because he didn't think he could have focused properly to be sensitive enough around Olivia. She had completely left his mind when he was not forced to re-live their date.

That day was memorable for other reasons than what everyone else assumed it to be.

He had found himself obnoxiously watching the clock above the board in his final class, not caring about who could see his impatient behaviour. The words from the assigned reading text were a blur and Alec went through round after round of tapping his pen while pretending to read, sighing, running a hand through his hair, re-crossing his legs and turning towards the clock again.

Time always had to do that. It was difficult to believe sometimes that there was no way of speeding it up or slowing it down when it all came down to expectation and perceiving. Alec experienced that life was like that too. Almost always, Alec would steer clear of opinions or sides and thus remained stagnant. Time would move accordingly, but his life was neutral as well. Both were linked incredibly and he could see that now. The wisps of minutes lost in the shadows of happiness as time raced by in the moments that he wished time didn't exist.

When he began living for himself he was mourning time that was replaced only by memories, which were never the same, because of such a hasty assembly, they lost important characteristics.

There could not be one without the loss of the other.

Alec was not one for the short, fast life, but if he could spend his life in happy moments that were a blur, it would be better than a checked and measured life not lived.

At the sound of the ringing bell, Alec stopped himself from jumping out of his seat. There was no need for a display that would only embarrass him. Besides, he was still at the mercy of waiting for his sister and picking up their brother.

Of course, Izzy had a million and one people to catch up with after school, while Alec sat in the driver's seat ready to bang his head against the steering wheel. His brother, fortunately, was not late and the ecstatic smile on his face put one on Alec's. Alec didn't see many kids leaving school that looked as happy as Max. He always enjoyed school, hardly ever complained about homework and never minded getting up early. Everyone needed a little more of Max's positivity, sometimes Alec thought he needed it the most.

They pulled up the driveway and now Alec didn't know what he wanted to say to Magnus. He had spent so long telling himself that he needed to speak with Magnus but never narrowed it down to what he wanted to ask or say. With the front of their house facing him, Alec was painfully aware of how blank his mind was. He sat in the car far too long, and Izzy gave him a look from halfway up the front path when she noticed he wasn't following her. She asked silently through the distance why was he still sitting there.

He had been anticipating the physical more than the verbal and unexpectedly let that control him. _How pathetic. _Now, he was concerned about what would face him in the house and felt a great pull inside of himself to remain in the car, away from what was waiting for him.

Quickly, Alec exited the car, taking the same route as Izzy.

"What's up with you?" She inquired.

"Nothing. Just tired. I might go hang out in my room for a bit."

Before she could accuse him of lying, Alec was up the stairs, reaching for his bedroom door. In his hast, he did not have the chance to mentally prepare himself for seeing Magnus.

Magnus was lying on his bed. Alec slipped in like he had a secret and shut the door, his hands were still on the handle behind his back. Magnus was still in the same clothes he was wearing at school. Pressed up against the door, Alec watched Magnus, both their eyes meeting.

"Hey."

"Hey yourself, Alec."

They just looked at each other, neither daring to make the decision of what to do next. The bedroom window was still open and the sounds of the outside world filtered in. Alec wanted to close it, to keep this as private as possible.

A knock broke their visual connection. Alec pulled it open since he was standing right there. It was Izzy. He couldn't believe she actually knocked. That wasn't her style at all. She had a glint in her eyes that hinted at her slight annoyance.

"Are you sure you're all right?" Her face told Alec that she wouldn't believe a word he had said or was going to say. It wasn't like he could just say that he kissed his best friend that was on his bed right now and she had interrupted them.

"What do you want me to say? I might just go get unchanged and sleep. I'll be out to do dinner later."

"Fine. Clary's coming over tonight." She rolled her eyes at her brother and stalked back to her room.

"Oooh," Magnus scooted himself up to his knees, "getting undressed are we?"

"No, Magnus." Alec ground out, hoping not to have to go through a repeat of today at school with him.

"Okay," he said quietly, his voice sounding completely different. "Come and sit down then." He patted the mattress and Alec did as he was told, suddenly feeling nerves flutter in his stomach. "You wanted to talk?" He posed it as a question.

Having Magnus right next to him on his bed did not make Alec want to waste time talking. But if they skipped that part then he would be right back to where he started; with all these amazing feelings and questioning every single one.

"Yeah," he said shakily, watching his own hands instead of Magnus' that were placed on his bent knees.

Magnus' voice was gentle again, "Do you want to talk about Saturday?" A pause. "Today?"

He swallowed the small lump in his throat, now feeling really uncomfortable being with Magnus. Where did that come from? Not three hours ago, he was ready to kiss him senseless. "All of it."

"You know that it was okay. You didn't do anything wrong." Magnus added carefully.

"How can any of it be right? You're my best friend, you know practically everything there is to know about me. You're the closest person to me, how could I even do that? And then you're you and I'm... me." He ended lamely but was subsequently getting a little worked up. "God, what would anyone think? Not to mention that would be virtually impossible because no one can fucking see you!" Alec's breath was slightly laboured and his eyes stung at the corners. He didn't think he really had that much going on in his head. But, once he started, it just kept coming out. "And then I don't know what to think or believe. You cloud up everything in my mind and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm so fucking scared that I can't even understand it. What does any of it mean? How does it work? Is it _meant_ to work? Why am I even like this? God." He rubbed at his face with the heels of his palms, not expecting to have this kind of reaction.

Magnus sat there quietly, not having made a sound while Alec spoke. Alec realised too late that what he said was not really sensitive to Magnus and he had probably struck a chord with his friend. If only he could shut his mouth.

Magnus took Alec's hands in his own, taking them away from his face. He leaned forward and kissed Alec's forehead, soft and lingering. Alec had to close his eyes at the touch; it was so sweet. When Magnus pulled back, Alec looked at him with wide eyes. Dark clouds had set in the sky and it looked closer to evening than the afternoon. Shadows played across Magnus' face, making him look more serious.

"Can I ask you something?" He waited until Alec nodded. "How did any of it feel? Because if there was any part of you that thinks it was right, perhaps you should look deeper into that part of you. I can't tell you what to do. Hell, I can't even explain most of it. But I know that I kissed you first and maybe I shouldn't have and if there wasn't a part of you that liked it, you would not have kissed me at school." Alec wanted to remind Magnus that he wasn't helping the situation in class, but figured that there had to be something to ignite that wanted Magnus already or he would not have been spurred on by his actions. "I don't actually see the big deal. We kissed twice. People have done a lot more with other people much less than their friends.

"I just didn't want it to be something that came between us."

Magnus blinked, "Do you see a problem that I can't? I was okay with it. The question is, were you?"

Alec had already examined what Magnus had posed himself on Sunday. He knew inside of himself that Magnus made him feel different and good and he always wanted to feel like that. He had recognized that Magnus made him become who he wanted to be, had allowed him to take control of his own actions. So his answer was, yes, deep down, he knew this was right.

"I just can't wrap my head around it." Alec sighed, trying to erase the ever-growing smudge in his conscience.

"That's something you're going to have to discover yourself. Maybe you just like guys or both girls and guys. But it's okay. Remember, you're doing what you want. What others have to say about it is irrelevant, since it's your life."

His voice was measured and sure, just like his kisses, leaving Alec hoping that they could right now. He didn't have to hope for long, because Magnus kissed him, sealing all that was said, not exactly resolving it all but punctuating it at a moment that they were both comfortable to stop at. They would both have to come back to it later, but right now, everything seemed clearer than what it had in what felt to be the longest time. When he wasn't kissing Magnus, doubts crawled their ugly way to his mind. While in the motion of it, there was nothing that could make Alec think differently.

Why was it always more difficult to be away from Magnus, when his head, accompanied by persistent thoughts, pulled him down under its reality?

Alec sat up properly to face Magnus, his hands going straight to his hair and grasping what he could. Their lips moved fluidly against each other with no need to rush, and it calmed Alec.

Magnus' hand was still holding his cheek when they broke apart.

"See," Alec stated unexpectedly. "You just do–_that _and I can't explain it. It might be my life, but I need to understand it too. Why did you even kiss me in the first place?" He couldn't hide the blush that arose again at the memory.

"Because it was what you needed." The other boy answered without hesitation. Alec did not expect to hear that.

He pondered that curiously. Along with his sense in fashion, Magnus had an eccentric way of putting things. They always made Alec wonder for that extra moment, or see things in a new light. It was a straightforward answer, but there were little folds of separate meanings inside as well.

They kissed again, slow and sweet, with soft caresses and the gentle heat of burning embers. It held promise. Alec finally saw that his over analysing was not helping, nor was it ever going to help him in understanding who _he _was, because too often did he fall into worrying about the implications of what Magnus had done, not what he thought of it himself, or everyone else's feelings, not what he wanted to do. He let himself slide contently into Magnus' embrace, returning what he could and basking in all that he could feel. Because that was ultimately important. It boiled down to what Magnus had told him about doing what he wanted, but first, he needed to _feel_ in order to do that.

Many light kisses were shared as the dark clouds covered the sun's warmth. It drew shadows across the walls and turned all the colours into bleak versions of their former selves. Noises from the other Lightwood siblings in different parts of the house drifted towards them. They were simple sounds of life; footsteps, muffled words, light banging.

They fell into a comfortable silence, listening to the other sounds and leaning back further into Alec's bed. Alec had his back resting against the headboard and Magnus with his head lying high up on the other boy's legs. Alec watched his friend's breath pass. His hand rose and fell because it was placed on his chest. Nothing told him that this moment would last forever, but each breath was a reassurance that it had the potential to, at least, continue.

Maybe they could out last it.

"Alec," Magnus' voice rose out in the darkening room.

There was a hum in acknowledgement from Alec, who had his eyes shut and was gently carding his fingers through Magnus' hair. It was softer than he expected it to be. Products often damaged hair, stripping it of natural oils, but it didn't seem like anything Magnus did could take away his flare.

Before Magnus could continue, Alec had something he wanted to put out in front of them. He guessed it was somewhere in the back of his mind because many of his thoughts consisted of Magnus, but he had not given it a chance to grow into something more substantial, like a real thought.

"I really like you."

**I was in a real funk in regards to my writing for the past week, but I've been otherwise occupied. So, you might have to bear with me, I'll try my hardest with weekly updates, but, I honestly can't promise anything anymore. This was actually meant to have been completed by now, it's funny how things work out.  
Thank you very much for the support.  
****Mistakes are my own.  
****Please, please review!**


	12. I'm Making My Peace

**Hey all! Hope everyone is enjoying the start of a relatively new week. Happy reading!  
Alice, you helped me more than just with this chapter. *attack hugs*  
************Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments series.**

**************Chapter 11 ********************– I'm making my peace.**

3rd of May, 2012 (Thursday)

Mid-Spring was in full force. Any remnants of Winter were long forgotten. This was warm and calm and flowers were smiling up to the sun. Spring always had a certain cheer to it, as if not just animals came out of hibernation. People had shed their thick coats; more than willing to walk around in a few less layers. Everyone basked in what Spring had to offer. Life hummed all around, even the statues and concrete buildings were more lively.

The hallways of the school were empty, many of the students had long since gone home to procrastinate. Out on the open field, the school's soccer team were wrapping up their practice for the afternoon.

Coach had been in a considerably better mood than usual. Probably because Jace could not make it to that day's session and the troublesome teen therefore could not distract the other players with his shenanigans. He had worked them all hard in the hour after school. Boys were scattered around in a small semi-circle, either lying on the floor, pulling their sweaty shirts off, or both. He stood by them, approval of their performance today written on his face, but he was still determined to keep an air of his regular, stern demeanour and thus ordered them to jog another, final three laps together before they were dismissed.

They groaned in unison, but their protests did not extend beyond that. Pulling each other up from the ground, the boys went around the field in a close knit pack silently. Coach eyed their laps critically, ensuring none of the boys were slacking off in the final minutes. One black haired boy in particular hung towards the back off the group when, from prior observation, Coach knew that he was more than capable of taking the front.

He called said boy down to him at the conclusion of the laps, holding him back from his team mates as the rest lumbered towards change rooms and showers. The young man before him was quite distracted and answered with false promise. The older of the two could not distinguish what the problem was, but he did his best at pepping up the boy. It was not unusual for him to be subdued and hidden in the background, except, maybe in Wayland's presence, even so, there was nothing rambunctious about him and today his silence was more profound. 'Deafening silence' came to mind as he let the player go and shower.

* * *

Alec was having a bad week in general. The fact that Coach had pulled him up on it did not aid the fact. Everything simply balled up into a pile of stress and it was taking its toll on him.

Inside the change rooms, quite a few of the guys were already showered and packing their bags up, ready to leave any minute. Others had already left, not bothering with showers because they were desperate to get home instead. Alec decided on a shower for the sole purpose of wanting to waste time. He wasn't in the mood to be at home, or anywhere for that matter. Part of him felt like wandering around the streets until night blanketed the sky. However, he couldn't do that, he didn't want to worry his siblings.

The pre-selected cold spray from the shower did wonders for Alec's tired, heated body. He stayed there for longer than necessary, letting the rivulets spill down his neck, shoulders and back, taking the time to breath evenly in the hopes of relaxing himself.

Earlier in the week, their non-existent parents had called and mentioned that they were in the country, although, that did not necessarily mean that they were in the same state. Alec guessed that when they were relatively close some parental instinct kicked in and they felt obligated to drop a line. The conversation wasn't particularly long, but fairly strained on Alec's side. He could never understand why they would bother calling if they had no intention of coming home, even for a few days.

Out of sheer politeness, Alec provided some basic information, like what Izzy and Max were up to and how they were dealing with school. He hated that some of him was swelling at the prospect of hearing his mother compliment him or thank him for doing such a good job of being the big, older brother. Of course, that never came, and he deflated, just like he did every single. His stupid need to please his parents was pathetic and he wished he could kick that habit.

Alec did pass the phone over to Max, but only for a few minutes, he always lit up when he spoke to their parents. He didn't bother with Izzy, since too often did it become a battle of biting words and dramatic huffs. There was no point in created unwanted tension in the house because of their parents. At least Max seemed to enjoy the conversations with his mother.

From what Alec could hear, Max also spoke with their father. Alec was grateful to have dodged that bullet. There wasn't much he could say to Robert without feeling awkward. Max could talk easily to either of them, but the eldest Lightwood suspected that perhaps their parents were more tolerant to idle chat with their youngest child for that exact reason. He was the family's figurative baby and therefore he got away with being overexcited on the phone and falling into countless tangents in the space of five minutes. If it was Alec, he was sure they would grow impatient and tell him to get straight to the point or otherwise change the topic.

He let Max end the call, not wanting to risk being handed his father or having to wrap up the conversation with stretched niceties.

To improve things, Alec had two essays to write due on the upcoming Monday, and he had not started either of them. He knew that this behaviour was unusual for him, he was always on top of all his academic work. Without wanting to admit it, it began when he started struggling with his Maths homework. It wasn't that he couldn't solve the problems, but it took much longer now and he was getting pressed for time with other things. He knew he could always ask Simon a few questions, but it didn't feel right suddenly start talking to him when he needed something. He might as well trudge through it for now.

Alec maneuvered through the locker room in his spare after-training shorts, toweling away thoughts of his parents as well as the excess water. Now, there were only a few players left. They were in the last stages of being ready to go home, but it looked like Alec would still be the last to leave, due to his lengthy shower. Some of them were waiting for others to finish up so they could get a ride and were therefore talking animatedly to pass the time, filling the echoing room with a pleasant din.

He and Jace often waited for each other, enjoying the few places were they could talk that didn't include siblings, girlfriends or other friends, but without his blonde friend, Alec continued in silence. Alec was missing his friend, although, his absence today was purely legitimate, he had seen less of him this week because he and Clary were having some sort of spat. The blonde spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong and then righting that wrong. But, Jace was not particularly good at reading girls fluctuating emotions, especially when it came to his relationships and Alec suspected it might be a while until he had his friend back. When Jace mentioned that he had to miss practice, Alec was completely disappointed since he expected both of them to use the time to unload about the week's happenings as well as goad each other jokingly. He thought that the motions of training might be able to return some normality to school, but, just like everything else school related, it was turning out to be complicated and far from routine.

Slipping on a shirt and struggling to get his shoes on, Alec stuffed the rest of his clothes into his bag, being reminded of his homework load by the books and folders crammed in there as well. He suppressed a groan, hauling the bag to the floor and snapping the locker shut.

As he expected, Alec was the last to leave. There were only three cars in the parking lot and none of them belonged to him. He had received a text from Izzy when he checked his phone after he changed.

_I'm going out, I've got the car. Max is at that thing of his._

'That thing' of Max's that Izzy had so elegantly described was a school arts production. Max was surprisingly excited and involved in it. Unfortunately, it meant that he was staying late at school with other students and supervising teachers to prepare for it. It was a collection of works from art, music and drama students. Some students volunteered their time, but those in either of the three classes were expected to put in at least five hours of preparation help. Some of Max's paintings were going to be on display, so he had to be involved. However, Alec was almost certain that his brother had served his five hours the week before and was choosing to stay on up until opening night.

Max had explained that they were setting up a lot of decorations and finalizing pieces of work in order to be ready on time. The drama kids needed help with props and sets and there was still plenty of unframed art work. Alec allowed his brother to do what he wanted, especially if he was so readily willing to help others. But, that was when he did not factor in that he would always need to be available to pick up his brother later in the evening. It surprised Alec how late it reached until he got a call to drive down.

It was a pain in the neck for him, since Izzy always weaseled out of it some way or another. He wasn't sure what she expected him to do about Max being at school when she had the car since she didn't mention anything in her text. He had simply sighed and decided to wait until when it came closer to the time Max usually called.

Since Izzy was out with the car, there was no chance that he was going to get picked up, but part of him was glad that was the case. With all the little things going on in the past week and in his head, a purposeful walk would give him time to himself. Also, the idea of an empty house when he got home lifted his mood a touch. Maybe he could get through one of his essays before either were ready to be home.

* * *

A light wind had begun pushing Alec on his way home, carrying a cool chill that would settle before nightfall and cause the temperature to drop. With only shorts and a t-shirt on, Alec quickened his pace to escape getting a cold, the sun was not doing much to maintain any warmth of the day.

The trees and shrubs of his street rustled when he turned onto it, it was the only sign of movement; no cars, no people, no animals. It made him long for that kind of peace again.

At the steps of his house, Alec fished out his house keys from his bag, slotting it in and turning until it gave way to a solid click. He pushed his way in and noticed that he forgot to do the breakfast dishes. Quickly, Alec swept through tidying the house, pushing in chairs all the way, straightening pillows, de-cluttering surfaces. It was asking a lot of him to not roll his eyes every time he completed a neglected chore of his siblings.

Finally, he took up respite from cleaning to his room, but dove into homework, pulling out his notebook and pens. Putting pen to paper was much harder than he expected, especially when his mind was refusing to latch on to the essay topic.

He had gone through three different introductions and numerous false starts when he settled on the one in front of him. Beside Alec, there was a glass frame, in the picture was Max, Izzy, Jace and himself. It was taken a year or so before just in their back yard. Izzy had fiddled with the settings on the camera to get the timer just right and her and Jace gotten into a little argument about who could understand electronics better. They were bunched together, Jace and Izzy on either of Alec's sides, because they had run from the camera once they set it and Alec had his arms draped over Max's shoulders. He couldn't remember why they bothered taking the photo, but now he was glad that they did because he liked the reminder of the few solid things in his life.

In the reflection of the frame Alec saw movement behind him.

He snapped around in his chair. "What are you doing here?"

"No hello? I thought after all that _stuff_ we have been sharing for the past month or so, you might be happy to see me."

Alec rolled his eyes at Magnus. Things had certainly calmed down since Alec accepted that it was 'okay' to be himself with Magnus and nothing had really changed. Magnus still came and went as he pleased, occasionally that included school, but there was a lot of little kisses and embraces shared in spare moments. The smile that it put on both of their faces was too good to question.

"I have to get this homework done, don't bother me." Their closer relationship also included Alec being unsympathetic to Magnus when it came to him doing his homework.

Magnus pouted, but stayed where he was on the bed, knowing better than to say something out of line. Alec returned to his papers, putting his head down, signalling that he had resumed concentrating.

It didn't take long before Alec grew tiresome of terribly worded sentences, weak arguments and poorly constructed evidence and links. "Stop looking at me like that." He didn't have to turn around to know that Magnus was still watching him curiously. When he did bother to hang around while Alec was studying, he adopted this posture and expression. His whole body would lean forward on his crossed legs and his arms were stretched out straight as a single brace from the bed, hitching his shoulders up.

Magnus sat back a bit and screwed up his face, trying to erase the look he knew was on his face, "Like what? I'm bored. Let's do something. Go out or whatever."

Alec snorted, fighting to roll his eyes again. "You're not meant to distract me from my work, remember? We talked about this."

"Yes, but, you said that was when you were working. You've been staring at that introduction for ten minutes now."

Alec had not noticed, but Magnus was right. There had been no extra pen markings on his page since he had finished the half of the first body paragraph. Magnus was staring at him, leaning forward again, Alec could see through the picture frame. "Why the need to go out all of a sudden?"

"Because we don't go out anywhere, and maybe it was time we got together." Magnus stood up, eyes glinting in the light. His hand rested on Alec's shoulder and Alec wanted to turn his face so his cheek could make contact with him.

He righted himself, "We don't go anywhere because people would see us, and it's not in some scared I-don't-want-to-be-seen-with-you sense of the phrase, but the fact that people would actually _only_ _see me_."

"Then let's go somewhere without people." Magnus gripped where his hand lay, kneading the spot.

Alec was losing himself to the touch, finding it far more enjoyable than an essay. His mind wandered to nearby places that they could walk to and waste some time.

Magnus' voice was much closer to his ear now. "I know of a place. Come on, Alec. Take a break." The sound ran down his body, waking it up from it's homework haze.

"Fine."

* * *

The park that Magnus led them to wasn't much of a park. It was more an expanse of open grass, with a few large trees dotted about and a solitary bench. The parks in the area were not as spectacular as the ones that you would find outside of walking distance, like ones with massive playgrounds or eating areas or endless hills of luscious grass. Here, the grass had a bit of a yellow tinge to it and patches of dirt. Definitely not as well kept. It was a place you might bring your dog so it could run around for a bit. But it served Magnus's purpose perfectly.

There was a gap between two of the largest trees and the sun hung there, providing a wonderful view.

"Well, we're here. There's nothing that we can do." Alec gave the space a brief glance before returning it to Magnus.

"On the contrary, there are plenty of things that we can do." Magnus leaned back against a tree, folding his arms over his chest. Alec gave the other boy a once over and understood what Magnus meant.

Alec ducked his head away from Magnus, hiding his reaction to that statement, "Well, you're not one for subtlety."

Magnus stared at Alec, shocked. He pulled away from the tree, standing on his feet properly and waved a hand in front of himself, "What ever gave you the idea that anything about me was subtle?" He smirked, resuming his casual lean.

"That's a good point," Alec remarked. He spared a few steps around the tree, then stopped, reclining back until he hit the tree and was shoulder to shoulder with Magnus. He returned the smile.

Day was still clinging to the sky and there was an abundance of light streaming towards them, catching in Magnus' green eyes and setting them alight. The flecks of other colours danced as he watched Alec.

"You know," Magnus took Alec's hand gently, the tips searching for his fingers then curling around them, "We see each other all the time, but we never take the time to share what we have." His gaze began low and slowly lifted upwards to meet Alec's eyes by the time he finished what he was saying. He leaned over and pressed their shoulders closer together as he sealed the distance between them with his lips.

Alec immediately pushed away from the bark of the tree, turning to Magnus, closer to his body. He felt the heat from the other boy as their bodies touched. Gently, Magnus moved them so Alec's back was to the tree again and he was facing him head on.

They broke apart, slightly out of breath but neither were too concerned about that, they were focusing on the spark in the other's eyes. Alec's fuller lower lip parted distractedly when Magnus slid a hand down the side of his face, down his neck, until it stayed at his waist. This time, Alec pushed up a little, using the tree as an aid, to brush his bottom lip against Magnus', it dragged against the friction and lingered before Alec allowed for them to come together in a kiss. He teased Magnus like this, holding the position, so as to set a fire within the other.

Magnus needed no prompting. He was always more than happy to fall into whatever Alec felt comfortable with and therefore waiting until he decided to make a move. But the almost kisses were making him _crave_ Alec and all that he had to offer. A low whine sounded and Alec felt slight satisfaction warm inside of him because he was finally able to frustrate Magnus enough for him to voice it.

Reaching his arms around Magnus' neck, Alec attempted to bring him closer even though there wasn't much space left. He firmly held a grip around him, not wishing this to end or either of them to pull away prematurely. Between the two, they had enough heat to hold off the imminent chill of night. Alec felt as if he was slowly melting into Magnus, what with the force of how he held him and the heat of their touches, he knew Magnus was feeling the same because he could feel the drumming of Magnus' heart against his own chest, expecting that his heartbeat was just as obvious.

Magnus just had that capability to excite Alec and set off the adrenaline in his system in large doses. His hands made their way smoothly downwards and Alec's thoughts became hopeful of their destination, but they slipped underneath his recently changed sweater and shirt, exploring the available planes of his stomach for the first time since their first kiss. He calmly included his sure movements up along Alec's body, not giving away for one second that it was effecting him as much as it was Alec. If they had not been kissing, Alec was sure his head would have been thrown back in pleasure against the tree, causing pain that would probably go ignored.

Magnus tasted like mint. The flavour, another awakening quality that should have disrupted the moment with its slight tang, but Alec was left searching for more, to taste somewhere that held a stronger source. Consequently, his tongue continued to swipe across Magnus', heating up every nerve ending that seemed to be connected to their muscles as they clutched and grasped for more of each other almost reflexively.

To be this honest and bare with another was something Alec never considered to be particularly important, but now, he knew Magnus could always be there for him at any moment. As much as it didn't seem to be the case at that moment, they could go beyond kissing and he could open up to Magnus. There was a deep set trust in their relationship where it was okay to be vulnerable. After all, this was as vulnerable as Alec got, being so close to someone was hardly ever seen. It was difficult to imagine now not having Magnus there as a support.

If he looked back, Alec could see that all his problems were bottled up inside and hidden. Without Magnus, he had been a cluttered expanse of mismatched thoughts and even thinly veiled desperation.

Magnus' gentle fingers brushed across his ribs and the sensitive area caused him to sharply pull away from his lips, but further in at the waist, like his lower half was not controlled by him but by invisible strings that were being pulled taut behind Magnus, just like the expectant muscles in his arms.

Some affectionate kisses were granted to calm Alec. Magnus' other hand that was not discovering new areas of Alec's skin found the supple curve of his back, taking it further from the tree and letting only Alec's shoulder blades to rest there.

Magnus abruptly stopped, leaving Alec pressing forward in an attempt to remain together. He made Alec follow his lead, by taking his arms and guiding him down to the ground. Here, they sat right next to each other, thighs touching the whole way. Magnus held Alec's hand soundly, twining his own through, like thread.

Alec watched in fascination as Magnus made all of the most simple things beautiful. They were sitting right now in an old park that must have seen better days years ago and yet, Alec couldn't think of any where else he would rather be.

"You have that look on your face," Magnus broke the quiet.

"That I look like I'm over thinking everything?" Alec answered, providing the explanation Magnus always gave him when he ever said that.

"No," he smiled, raising a hand to brush through Alec's hair. "It's that look when you're _not_ thinking about anything." His head tilted a bit to the side, eyes still fixated on Alec.

It was a natural reaction for Alec to drop his head away from those eyes, especially when Magnus said things like that and Alec just wanted to reply with a flirty remark too. He would bite the bullet, the action taking physical form when he unconsciously bit his bottom lip. "I find that hard to believe, when all I'm thinking about is you." He gripped the other's hand tighter. Magnus brightened, the hint of a laugh threatening to bubble over.

"We should do this more often, I like that look on you."

"What is _this_ exactly?"

Magnus pondered that for a second. "I don't know, but we should try a date sometime." Alec's expression spoke volumes of all the complications that might involve. Although, he still wanted that idea to become a reality. "But, we know your track record with dates, so maybe we'll just keep it to this. Who needs dates anyway?" A smile. "When I've got this hot piece of ass with me right now." Alec was just about to scold him, when the other boy wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him closer. "I know, I know. I'll shut up."

They lapsed into another one of their famous, peaceful silences. The two of them watching the trees turn to black against the setting sun and the array of colours spring forth from the horizon. Magnus kept a solid hold on Alec's hand, it resting on his thigh. Magnus was another solid part of Alec's life. He wanted them to date. To kiss him in front of people. To introduce to him to his siblings. Just to do something that could equally match all that Magnus had done for him.

"I never got to say thank you. You know, for everything. I think now is a good time. Even if things seemed a little messed up and I was insensitive-"

A light chuckle came from his side. "We've been over this. I thank _you_. It's always you. No matter what. I had no one to talk to, and there you were. We're friends. Now this." He indicated their linked hands. "It's more than I could ever ask for."

"You're always better with words."

"That's what I do, and it's not the only thing I'm better at." He winked.

Alec laughed. A real, complete laugh. It lit up his eyes and crinkled them slightly. "That's what you think." He nudged Magnus, enjoying the blood rushing through him happily. It never ceased to amaze him how different he felt with Magnus. He didn't like the cliche, but when it was happening before your own eyes and the feeling swelled in places so deep within you, there was no doubting it. Alec loved everything about Magnus, and for once, _he_ was also a part of Magnus that he loved.

Magnus hummed in approval, "I like this Alec. Where did he come from? Sexual deviant you is always going to get me worked up."

As expected, Alec sputtered, although it did not send him crawling into himself. He just opposed indignantly.

His thoughts drifted back to when he told Magnus that he liked him. Half of him thought that he would blurt out the wrong word. Not that it was wrong, since, as he considered it, it sounded like a more accurate word. But, there was still time for that. Magnus had not said anything in reply, he simply held a wistful expression. Alec was not concerned about the lack of response, because this was about him. He had come this far and made all the decisions. It was blissful.

Alec kissed Magnus again.

The sun had sunk lower down, at the beginnings of hiding behind the low peaks of the neighbourhood rooftops. Thick clouds were sitting just above the visible horizon line and they were being transformed into deep oranges instead of their original, white, fluffy selves. The colour absorbed into the mass, giving it an appearance of being heavy, not filled with rain water for once, but essence of day. Everything else looked like a weight had been slowly released on top of it. Shadows stretched out on the grass of the park, trying to touch the two occupied boys.

It was at this particular time of the day that was most beautiful to Alec.

When they did stop his eyes were closed and he slowly opened them, the light from the setting sun behind Magnus. He had pulled himself over into Alec's lap after sitting side by side became not enough. It cast golden rays in the spaces between his spikes and complimented the tan of his skin. He adjusted his eyes to the enhanced visual of Magnus, whose eyes were hooded and blinking slowly like he was very tired.

Alec smiled broadly, pulling Magnus to him again for a delicate kiss that lasted no longer than a second. They could have easily stayed like that forever.

The feel of Magnus' hands on his hips, or his lips against his own was not something Alec was going to forget. He insisted on ingraining it into his brain where it could never lose itself. It was nights like these that made everything worth while, even when they were old memories. The ones you hung on to never truly faded. They stay quietly in the background to be the final hope required to draw up a smile. And Alec was more than smiling now basking in all that was Magnus.

* * *

They walked back contentedly, each replaying different moments in their head. It was dark overhead, only the circumference of the town held onto light from the sun, but it was enough to be able to walk in. It softened Magnus' features pleasantly, he looked younger and Alec clutched harder at his hand, keeping them stiffly placed near their thighs due to the circumstances, but it still felt amazing to do it.

The house was quiet, but Alec expected that. Inside, the effects of an intense week and training had pressed down on him, causing his eyelids to dip slightly. Magnus took his other hand, both were incredibly soft to the touch. His thumbs massaged gently at the tops of his fingers before they hauled Alec forward. He guided Alec forward, starting up the stairs backwards himself and bringing the tired boy to him.

A breathless grin escapes Alec when they get to the top and Magnus continued to pull Alec towards his bedroom. Other rooms sat in a grey darkness, but Magnus had snapped on the bedside lamp when they got close to it. Magnus' lips quirked into a charming smile, catching Alec off guard. There was a silent question in it, and it was only until Alec felt his hands be released, returning to his sides and Magnus' careful fingers resurface at the hem of his sweater that he understood what it was.

He gave a slight nod and Magnus gently lifted up the cotton, Alec raised his arms like a child so he could complete the motion fluidly. There was surprising reverence in the action. It meant more than what it was, and both of them appreciated that. The light coloured the two gently, rounding off any sharpness of fatigue or stress. They looked like angels staring at each other.

Alec's eyelashes curled against his cheeks when he looked down, the shadows casted extended across his cheek.

He crawled to the centre of the bed, curling on to his side and Magnus joined right after, gliding his arm around the other's waist and hugging him close.

The light had gone out, but there was still a glow from the nearly resting sun. Alec's eyes couldn't remain open for much longer, he didn't often go to bed early, usually too busy with something on his mind or unfinished work.

They lay quietly together, listening to their breaths evening out and letting that draw down their eyelids.

Alec fell asleep happy.

* * *

There was another ringing sound that woke Alec up. He could have sworn there was at least one before that, but through the shadows of sleep it was hard to tell what was a dream or real. Before he could pull a hand out to pick up his phone, the ringing stopped. Alec propped himself up sleepily, his eyes feeling terribly heavy and promising to drag him under again. They shut instantly against the harsh light of the screen and Alec winced. There was nothing he could read, all the neat lettering was lost against the back-light, the black blurring into the whiteness.

His phone started again, first vibrating in his hand then a ring seconds later. This time he was able to blindly hit the receive button and pull it to his ear.

On the other side was a voice he recognised, but it seemed unreal to hear it so frantic and strained. The voice shouted his name when he answered, a huff of something that was not relief came right after. A fountain of words spilled through the speaker and none of it made sense.

It was clear that the person on the other side realised that nothing was registering for Alec. They sounded terribly upset and frustrated, perhaps as a result of the frustration, Alec could almost see them drag a heavy hand through their hair.

Jace steadied himself before stating as clearly as he could to Alec; "It's Max."

**Well...  
Lots of love to those who reviewed and favourited last chapter!  
****Mistakes are my own.  
****Please review and tell me what you're thinking! **


	13. You Gave Me Some Place To Go

**Well, this has been a long time. A bit over three months now. I'm terribly sorry. In short, Uni is a cockblock for my writing.  
But, for future reference, I won't abandon this fic ever. ****  
****Huge acknowledgement and thanks, as well as lots of love to Alice (alicelightwoodbane) who was sending love and keeping me sane since my first day of Uni, throughout the entire semester and during my exams. She's too good to me. Do yourself a favour and read her Jane Austen-verse fic "I Wish We Were Butterflies" it's absolutely gorgeous.**

**Chapter 12 ************************************– You gave me some place to go.**

3rd of May, 2012 (Thursday)

He must have only been asleep for an hour and a half. In that time there were thirty nine calls and eleven messages. They were divided between Jace and Izzy. There were two from an unknown caller as well.

Five were from Max.

He had missed Max's calls. All of his calls. How could he have missed every single on of them?

Alec didn't bother looking at the actual content of those messages and voicemails. There was no time. Also, there was something inside of him that just _knew_ he would not be able to handle what they had to say. The warmth of the bed was now foreign and unwelcome. It did not protect him from the cold that prickled up inside of him. Jace's words were pained and his sentences incomplete. The phone began to shake in his hand. It tapped against his cheek like a woodpecker.

Every second he was more awake than he had ever been.

Jace had told Alec everything he knew, which was essentially a recount of what Izzy knew, because it was Izzy who had told Jace. When he was done, Alec didn't bother with goodbyes, he simply hung up. A moment was spent staring at the hands resting on his knees. They were much colder now. Almost frozen. He kind of sat there thinking without really thinking. Nothing planted itself in his mind. That was why he was incapable of immediate action. Nothing would be able to fire the message across to allow for such movement. In that moment it had became necessary to focus on one solid thing. His hands. And how they had dramatically changed in temperature.

Jace was coming to get him. That was another solid piece of information he could retain. Everything else floated horribly like loose wires with their sparks threatening to make something catch light. In no way did he want a connection between one of those loose wires to be made, it would only cause chaos. A riot of overwhelming thoughts. A blast of terrifying images. A whirlwind of incomprehensible possibilities.

Something told him he should wait outside on the steps for Jace, but he still couldn't move from where he was. Every ounce of him wanted to jump up, grab a sweater and race off. Gravity held him down. Held him under its mighty strength and wordless meaning.

Part of him considered not moving. That way he could be forever lost in his own moment, where nothing belonged to anyone, but him. Not moving meant nothing had to be acknowledged. Where he was, he was safe. Outside held all the problems, all the realities he was not sure he could face. It was a terrible thought. Completely selfish and uncharacteristic of him.

It was like being torn in half. Fear gripping him down and sheer urgency mixing everything up into an incomprehensible jigsaw. His heart was threatening to either beat right out of his chest or be thrown up.

Alec didn't hear Jace's knocking at his bedroom door or him calling his name softly. It was only when the blonde laid his hand on his shoulder gently, to warn him of his presence, that Alec actually turned acutely to give the briefest of glances to the other's blue jeans. The light from the outside hallway flooded through in a solid rectangle on the floor, and that gave his dark room barely enough light to make out figures. It cast long shadows in the weaker, secondary light.

He could not look at Jace. He could not look at that expression on his face and be reminded of what he was told. He could not let him be the final thing that made him crack.

Jace did not say anything. He only waited next to Alec, allowing the silence to impregnate the room. They were close and quiet together, but Jace could not allow them to linger for much longer. He had the difficult task of trying to coax Alec into movement or just responding. When he was standing, Jace wrapped his arms around him in his best comforting, grounding hug. Nothing needed to be said. After all, they were like brothers. Jace was there for Alec, no matter what, repeating that would be pointless.

Finally, Alec gripped his biceps and nodded against his collarbone. It was all Jace needed as a sign. He quickly moved into action and guided Alec towards the car, stuffing him in and driving to the hospital.

A lot could go unspoken between the two and nothing would be left out. Like now, Jace knew that asking how Alec was would be, by far, the worst question in the world. There were just somethings you never bothered asking. Alec was grateful for Jace's consideration, but could not find it anywhere in him to vocalize it. He was just cold, no matter how much heat Jace was directing at him through the car vents. Saying something would shatter the illusion of whatever Alec had created in his mind about the situation. Nothing was definite at the moment and he would only know more at the hospital. A simple 'okay' might just reveal how not okay he really was.

The moment they made it in to the car park, Alec was out of the car. Jace had to fumble with the keys and hastily lock the car before he could go after Alec.

Inside, Alec was frozen at the front desk. Again, saying his name would bring about the reality of what was happening. The words died in his throat because he was not ready just yet to do that. Jace caught up to him and appeared to have made the connection. Placing a comforting hand on Alec's forearm, Jace asked the small, kind-faced woman behind the desk for information about the youngest Lightwood.

Alec decided that saying it was horrible, but hearing it was just as bad.

She checked her computer records and looked grimly at the two, obviously struggling boys. Alec had to give it to her, she attempting at providing them a smile, he even saw her hand lift up as if to reach out to him, but once he knew where he had to be there was no point in lingering. He was already moving away, surprised by his sudden mobility that had abandoned him previously, not hearing the protests and extra information from the woman.

An elevator full of people spilled out into the tiny lobby and Alec quickly made the decision to squeeze in with the others who had filed in after those who exited.

It was a terrible idea. The small space. The proximity of other people. The recurring images. The lengthy ride up. The unhelpfully silence. Stairs would have most definitely been better. He could launch himself up a few flights of stairs while these people would still be trudging upwards, stopping at every single floor.

As he emerged out of the suffocating space to the fifth level of the hospital, Alec briefly noted that Jace was not beside him, or in the elevator at all. It did not cause him to pause for all that long, because as soon as the thought crossed his mind, he saw Izzy down the wide hallway sitting on a chair, almost doubled over and her hair slipping forward, covering her face.

At the sound of approaching footsteps, Izzy snapped her head up, eyes wildly scoping the room for someone she knew. When her eyes met Alec, she was out of the chair in seconds, flinging herself into her brother's strong arms.

Alec didn't feel all that strong. He honestly wished he could come right down to his knees and let his emotions overcome him. It was the selfish thing to do.

But, Izzy needed him to be there for her. He was the older brother. Here, he needed to be the rock, especially while their parents were not present.

Alec asked Izzy whether or not their parents knew. She had nodded sadly, telling him that they were getting on the first flight out of wherever they were, (Alec did not care), and that it would not take too long for them to arrive. But that still meant they were going to have to sit in the busy, uncomfortable hospital with nothing but their thoughts to poison their minds.

He first tried to calm his sister down enough in order to get all the information she knew out of her. From what he could understand through her sob obstructed explanation was that Max was hit by a car nearby his school. No one yet seemed to know why he was out there at the time. And that seemed to make it worse. The ambulance was called. The school was involved apparently, Izzy was unclear as to how the school was notified, but, nevertheless, they helped with Max's identification and provided personal details.

Suddenly, Alec realized why there was two missed calls from an unknown number, it must have been the hospital, or someone linked with them trying to notify a family member. They must have tried Izzy instead when Alec did not pick up on both accounts.

She told him that they did in fact call her and that was when she stopped making any coherent sentences for a while. Alec just held on to her tightly, wishing there was something he could do to fix all of this. It was all messed up and wrong. He should have been able to have answered his phone. The art expo at Max's school should not have been happening.

But it was much easier to blame everything else when there was no clear outline of where the blame fell. He rested his head on his sister's head while she clung close to him. The two Lightwoods were unmoving, consumed by emotion, in the middle of the constant motion of the hospital floor. The worst was simply not knowing.

A few times, Izzy attempted to say something but it would always dissolve into tears and Alec would pull her back into his arms to shush her from graduating to hysterical. He held back tears of his own even though the pressure on his watery eyes sometimes seemed like too much. He could not resign himself to believing that the worst had happened. Max could have only broken a leg or arm or collar bone. Alec would be thanking anyone and everything if the doctors reported exactly that as Max's condition.

But it could be anything. His spine. _Oh God._ Max was too young for any of this type of trauma. It simply should never happen to children. Ever. Surely there was someone else in the world who actually deserved this?

A disgusting taste rose into his mouth and Alec stopped himself. He was just willing this on another human being. Wishing it to happen to another family. For them to go through the exact same thing he was, just so he could spare his family and himself. It was probably the single most selfish thing he had ever considered and it left him feeling worse. Although, it was still hard to push away those thoughts when he was holding onto _rational _with just his fingertips.

A warm hand pressed securely onto Alec's shoulder and he noticed that there was another one on Izzy's shoulder too. Both of them looked up and Jace was there, worry and sadness playing easily across his face. They pushed off from their seats toward Jace, the three of them collecting into a tight embrace where no words needed to be shared, for they could easily shatter any sanity they still had.

Alec finally let himself shed a few tears into the shoulder of Jace's shirt.

Jace, surprisingly, let go of Izzy and wrapped his arms completely around Alec, while Alec's arms hung feebly at his sides. It was a solid gesture, and Jace was strong against Alec's crumbling form. At that moment, they were more like brothers than they had ever been.

Shortly, however, Jace brought Izzy back into their little cluster, setting the distraught siblings into seats were they could wait for any incoming news. Alec and Izzy remained connected through tight, interlocked fingers that snaked around the back of Jace's chair (he was seated in between them, also grasping their free hands). Right now, they were hoping against hope for Max and that Robert and Maryse would get to the hospital soon.

* * *

It must have been an hour or two before their parents arrived. Bursting through the elevator doors with so much purpose that anyone in the hallway immediately shied away, avoiding the sheer force of the looks on either parents face.

They both were wearing their business clothes that, if not crumpled from the flight and hurried travel from the airport to the hospital, would look nothing but pristine on either of them. They took their job very seriously and were all about personal image. After all, it was the first thing an individual would notice about you, even before you open your mouth. Izzy looked up when she heard their footfalls and projected herself towards her mother. Alec did not move.

The sight would have been touching, a mother embracing her daughter, if the context was otherwise different. Robert had reached them, placing a large hand on Izzy's back and resting his chin on top of his wife's head. Robert Lightwood was a large man, he looked out of proportion as he stood by his family, but there was something equally comforting in it, as if Robert was the protector and right now he took that role very seriously. There was not much to read in Robert's face, but he was never one to give away his emotions easily. Alec had learned that rather quickly in his childhood. That was not to say Robert was heartless, he just seemed to prefer to internalize a lot of things and Alec felt that he may have inherited that aspect of his father. There were worse things.

Maryse and Robert gave gentle nods in Jace's direction, accepting his presence as if they did not expect anything else.

His parents had not been given any extra information since they arrived. All they knew was that they still could not see Max but no one knew anything about him or his condition. Many of the nurses that passed seemed to genuinely not know or would spare them a small, sympathetic glance. Maryse had had a rather heated conversation with a nurse or a doctor, Alec couldn't remember, who told her that, when they could, they would be informed.

Alec did not think he could take it much longer. Not knowing anything. Not being able to control anything. Feeling completely and utterly useless sitting in a chair. His tears had long since dried up and he took up staring blankly at the floor or the wall.

No one spoke and silence hung heavy between them all, but it was probably better that way. What was anyone going to say? It all seemed rather irrelevant at this point.

Maryse and Robert were called over by the same woman from before, the one Maryse was arguing with. She signaled gently for them to follow her. Alec vaguely noted that the woman only stopped his parents when they were out of sufficient ear-shot of himself, Izzy and Jace. He mentally told himself to keep his gaze trained on his parents, so he could take in any information that the woman might be telling them, but he could not encourage himself enough to do so. He let his head remain where is was resting against Jace's shoulder and felt the emptiness creep in again.

Hospitals were always described as clinical and cold, but Alec found himself thinking about how much he did not believe that. He guessed that the the clinical atmosphere was a given, considering that it _was_ a hospital, it just seemed harsh to think that a place where life and death met so frequently was cold. It was more of an equilibrium. But Alec did not want to think about it, but he just could not help it. The wrong thoughts always made an appearance at the wrong times.

Beside him, Izzy bolted upright. "Mum?" She questioned.

This time, Alec did look to where Robert and Maryse were and saw that the stiffness in Robert's shoulders was more perceptible than it usually was and Maryse's blue eyes were glistening in the fluorescent lights, clearly holding back swells of tears.

Izzy erupted into a fresh wave of silent tears. They fell down her cheeks one after another like synchronized divers. Alec felt numb. He could not decide if the ache of emptiness was better than this. He braced himself with what might be to come, but what would that even do?

Maryse shuffled over with Robert at her side. She had done an impressive job of keeping her tears from spilling over. She looked at her children and softly shook her head. "Apparently, Max is in a quite bad condition. The doctors are doing everything they can."

There was a surprising rush of fury inside of Alec that burned white hot. What a pathetic answer. What did that tell them that they could not already guess themselves? Could those words be any more out of a horrible soap opera? Why wouldn't anyone just tell him how his brother was?

His anger remained contained inside of him as his exterior continued to break away, chip by chip. In his peripheral vision, Alec saw movement peak out from around a corner. It disappeared, only to return a few seconds later.

Magnus provided a soft smile, encouraging Alec over with a small gesture of his hand. Without a second thought, Alec got up and made to move towards Magnus.

"Alec?" His mother called out. "Alec, where are you going?"

He vaguely replied, "I need to get away from here." He did not miss the shocked, yet sad, looks from his sister and parents. They had been crowding together in some sort of pack of support. It was going to suffocate Alec sooner or later. He could not do this. Not with them. Magnus would understand. His heart was breaking, but with Magnus nearby, it did not feel like it was nearly as crippling.

Izzy was about to go after him, but Robert was quick to stop her.

Magnus slipped his and into Alec's when Alec rounded the corner to meet him. He whisked Alec away through wide corridors, past nurses stations, even down some flights of stairs. Alec stumbled blindly behind him, right now, anywhere away from his family would be good. It sounded selfish and wrong, but he could not handle being with them much longer. He would surely snap otherwise.

Once they were some place quiet, Magnus let go of Alec's hand and captured him in a warm embrace. It was the first time Alec had registered warmth since Jace's phone call, though he was positive the hospital was climate controlled.

"It's Max." He kept repeating into Magnus' ear, the words cracking and breaking as they left his lips, too swollen with sadness to come out properly.

Magnus only held him closely, repeating, "I know," back to him. Both their words were mumbled softly in the quiet of their moment.

Alec's arms hung listlessly at his sides, while Magnus' were wrapped securely around his back and his head hooked over Alec's shoulder. He could not _feel_ enough inside of him to complete the hug, but something told him Magnus did not expect him to.

"What's going to happen to him? Who could hurt him? Where are they now? Why him?" A flurry of broken questions floated up between them accompanied by more tears than he had shed with Izzy. Magnus remained silent, rubbing his hands up and down the column of Alec's back, occasionally pressing kisses to accessible areas of Alec's head in comfort.

They retired to the floor with Magnus guiding Alec gently by the elbows so he did not just drop from under his feet. Magnus kept his legs splayed out in front of them, taking up more space than necessary across the width of the hallway they were in. Alec folded his right up to his chest, ensuring that none of him fell apart. It seemed rather redundant, because if he was going to fall apart, he would do so regardless if his arms were constricted around himself or not.

They sat shoulder to shoulder, with Magnus' arm behind Alec's shoulders to keep him close by because there was no telling if he would run off at any minute.

His tears appeared to have stopped, being replaced with hitching gasps of dry sobs, but the salty tracks remained, leaving their memory behind.

No one passed while they sat in that position for minutes upon minutes. Time accumulated steadily and Alec knew he had to get back to his family despite how much he would like to stay with Magnus until more news arrived. He voiced that concern with Magnus, who agreed, picked himself up and offered a smooth hand to Alec. Alec took it and pulled, bringing himself to his feet in a very unsteady manner. Magnus shot out his other hand to grab at his elbow, making sure that he did not collapse. Alec presented a smile that they both knew was forced, but neither commented on it.

Magnus took the lead, remaining silent, but comforting Alec more than should be possible by just their interlinked hands.

Halfway through the journey back, Alec slowed them down and said, "I'll get back myself. I just need a bit of time to myself." He kissed Magnus lightly. "Thank you."

Magnus just smiled weakly in return.

"Magnus, could you**–** could you do something for me?" Alec looked up from his feet. He just nodded and Alec continued, "Could you see if you could check on Max? I don't know if this is me digging myself into a hole, but I just need to _know_. It's killing me, Magnus. Just... just check in on him. I know you can do it."

Something flickered in Magnus' eyes but then he looked at Alec with great sadness, like he too was being weighted down by the situation, as if he were in Alec's position. Alec did not want to acknowledge that there was pity in Magnus' eyes, he did not want that. Then Magnus was nodding rapidly, "Of course."

Alec wondered aimlessly back to where his family and Jace were sitting, unsure of how he managed to navigate himself back in his current state of drowning emotion. He had returned from the other end of the corridor, opposite to where he had left. Briefly, he wondered how far they had gone.

His family looked up at his arrival. Izzy gasped. They looked at him as if he were the prodigal son, but they did not move, instead, they waiting for him to choose where he sat, like one would allow a dangerous animal to roam about first before making a move.

They all looked as tired as Alec felt. Worn out from waiting, from hoping, from praying, from thinking. Even sadness did not seem to register on their face anymore. They were all passed that.

He sat by Izzy, who did not look any better since he had left. There was a glint in her eyes that also told Alec that he was not the only one getting extremely frustrated at the lack of communication. She pressed up close to her brother and mumbled miserably, "While you were gone they asked Mum and Dad to sign papers so Max could have more surgery done. That's all we know."

The tone of her voice was the exact representation of how everyone felt. Thin, weak and choking on impossible thoughts.

Alec stroked her hair, letting his fingers comb through the long sheet of black. She let him do it with out protest. In any other situation she may have yelled at him for ruining her hair and Alec would have poked his tongue out, yanking a bit of it before running off. They stared off into the distance with no real focus in their vision, people went by but neither would be able to recall what they were wearing or even if they were male or female. It just did not matter. The mindless motion kept both of their thoughts anchored elsewhere.

Alec tried to not think about what Magnus might be able to find out for him, not daring to hope for anything, but just when he gave up on controlling his thoughts, Magnus appeared.

He was further down the hallway, half-hiding behind the corner again. Alec looked up expectantly, getting out of his seat.

A man emerged from a closer hallway and walked towards his parents, partially blocking Magnus. Alec quickly spared a glance to them. They seemed to know the man, maybe he was the one who brought the papers for them to sign. He had a regular sort of face, but it was difficult to read. He turned back to Magnus.

Far away, at the mouth of an adjacent corridor, Magnus shook his head sadly.

His whole world was still. Each breath slowed until he could hear the air travel down and up. The hairs on his skin prickled in the charged air. There was the faint voice of the man from before saying, "I'm sorry" to his parents. Alec stumbled backwards.

And then he ran.

Not sure of where he could possibly go, it did not even seem like a good idea, either way, he was still running. Someone was hoarsely screaming, "Alec!" but he was gone, losing the voice and the person it belonged to.

Magnus flashed into his field of vision despite everything else washing away in a blur of movement. He slowed to a stop and watched Magnus, who was a few feet in front of him. It was almost like a challenge of who could wait it out the longest, but Alec was in no shape to win. He closed the distance between them and openly sobbed onto Magnus' shoulder.

Magnus petted Alec's unruly hair, hiding his face in the crook of Alec's neck every time he moaned, "He was just a kid."

Again, it was just the two of them, burning in the glow of fluorescent lighting. Magnus keeping Alec upright. Being the only person who could _be_ _there_ for Alec.

Alec gripped at the material around Magnus' back in a vain attempt to keep himself together. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thought about how Magnus always smelled nice. Just nice. Never overbearing. That was exactly how he would describe their relationship **–** what ever it was. Magnus was always around when Alec needed him. Whenever there was a moment that Alec might consider he would need Magnus, his friend was sure to be around sooner rather than later.

The soft sounds Magnus was humming under his breath brushed through Alec's hair, stirring it gently. It buzzed somewhere deep in Magnus' chest and Alec could feel it melt against his own chest.

Never in a million years could he fathom that he would find someone so _right_ for him.

Losing his brother was just like losing a part of himself, but he did not know what was missing exactly. He just knew that something was not right. Throughout the entire evening he had felt the same but had never known it. Unconsciously, he mistook the feeling for something else. But all along Alec knew Max was lost to them. He would spend forever trying to find that missing piece.

"Alec. Alec, listen to me, baby. Are you listening?" He pushed Alec at arms length, taking his chin to stop it from lolling about so he would look at him properly. "It was me, Alec. I made sure Max got hurt."

**Thank you to all your reviews from the last chapter and to those who have reviewed rather recently - they're all much appreciated.  
It makes me really happy that people are still interested in this.  
Mistakes are my own.  
I know I haven't been very good to you all, but please review! You know I love to hear your thoughts.**


	14. Ain't Nobody Played the Fool Like I

**Heyo! I'm back, sorry for the wait, I just wanted these chapters to work together properly so I had to construct them first before uploading this one, which is the first part.  
Love and thanks to Alice (alicelightwoodbane) for picking up my silly mistakes ****and asking all the right questions to make me understand my own story :)  
Disclaimer for swearing, although, I don't think I did it before.**

**Chapter 13 ****************************************– Ain't nobody played the fool like I.**

5th of May, 2012 (Saturday)

Behind closed eyes, Alec had the sensation that everything around him was charged, buzzing with untold energy. He could not tell for sure and it seemed absurd. It was a combining mess between unconsciousness and the brink of wakefulness. It could be a dream and yet maybe not.

He did not want to open his eyes, but at the same time, he did not think he could. They were weighted down by something more than sleep. His eyelids twitched a bit in the hope of opening and absorbing the surroundings that promised more than the average visual experience. He _wanted_ to _view_ the buzzing.

Without opening them, Alec turned, realizing that he was in fact lying down. He shuffled a bit more, feeling the slight roughness in the sheets, the lingering warmth and the bite of the surrounding air. Bringing one hand up, Alec brushed it across his face, addressing his eyes with more vigor to hopefully encourage them open.

It felt like a huge warmth was set upon him and slowly it was easing itself off him. The pressure remained, explaining why Alec's thoughts were relatively jumbled still and why he felt his body would be no better than a tonne of bricks.

It did not take too long before Alec realized he was not comfortable with any of the sensations on his body. Everything was definitely foreign. The scratch of the sheets seemed to catch against his skin, the source of light (that Alec could not discern yet) was too strong, even with his eyes closed. No longer did the warmth of wherever he was lying feel friendly.

Slowly, Alec opened his eyes. His eyelashes hesitantly untangled themselves from one another to provide a blurry image. They swept up and down, occasionally brushing against his cheeks to clear away the haze. Only that did not solve the problem of the fog within his own mind.

His vision began to clear and Alec soon realized the room he was in was not familiar in the slightest way. It was rather dull, all the colours barely exerted any energy. Nothing of significance stood out to him. Every thing was rather impersonal and Alec recognized that as what made him feel a little on edge.

He could not see much from the position on his back and he was yet to move from that spot because he had not tested the extent of his mobility **************************************–** something told him he did not want to find out. In truth, it was difficult to move. His arms were quite heavy, just like his mind felt.

The warmth all around had betrayed him. It was not the delightful warm of soft bedding that made you want to curl with pleasure as you reveled in it. Instead, it was an oppressive warmth. One that was meant to fake friendliness in order to enforce calm. Alec felt a certain wrongness to the place.

Alec dug his left elbow inwards so that he could put weight on it and prop half of his body up. He brought his right arm over to complete the turn, feeling a tug deep in his muscles as they protested a little. This gave him a better view of the nothingness in the room.

A chair stood off to the side, it was in a strange position, not in a corner or directly up against the wall. It looked out of place. There were curtains swaying idly. They were a little too short for the window, the drop stopping about an inch from the sill itself. The linoleum floor looked like it had seen better days, the square patterns were faded and it warped a little as it approached the skirting of the walls.

Alec followed the floor from what he realized was a bed to the other side of the room, watching as the coloured squares filled out as it came closer to areas that were less walked on.

He started with a painful fright when he saw shoes against the wall. It was not like Alec could slowly take in the new addition, starting from the feet and working his way up. That usually only worked in movies. Once he noticed the shoes it was easy to collect the complete image of Magnus leaning against the wall.

His body looked rather rigid. Alec stared wordlessly at the other boy.

There were no thoughts floating in his head, but Alec could not recall if he had yet had a single thought since coming to.

He watched Magnus and Magnus stared back, looking like there was something he wanted to say but perhaps thought better of it. Alec took in the impeccable outfit. Dark blue button-up shirt, rolled up to the sleeves, the material bunching since Magnus had his arms crossed, black jeans that appeared to have a shine in them and pointed ankle boots.

This time it felt like something should have been said.

Alec looked at his hands, finding interest in his blunted nails. His fingers where twisted around a thin blue blanket, creasing it and it was only then that Alec realized the pain it was causing him. Abruptly, he let go, his fingers aching at the retraction, they looked a bit like claws as they relaxed from their grip, returning to half-bent states.

That concerned Alec momentarily. All he could bring to mind was claws, sharp claws that dug in and drew blood and hurt. He felt the pain physically, as if it were happening to him. He panicked a little, pushing the blanket away to his hips. There was a slight tremor in his hands now.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Magnus take the tiniest of steps forward. Alec swiftly turned his head, alarm written all over. When he settled on Magnus, it was like he was looking at Magnus properly for the first time since he noticed him.

He gasped, regretting it immediately, apparently his voice had not been used much in recent times. Alec was trembling for an entirely different reason now.

"But..." His voice came out weak and gravelly. It sounded like a pathetic whine; far from what Alec wanted to emit. "You."

He swallowed, keeping his eyes on Magnus, who still had his foot poised at the ready from before. Magnus' eyes were not directed to Alec's own, it was more like he was simply evaluating _all_ of Alec from the distance he kept.

His pumping heart circulated a warmth he could recognise now, it coursed through him with a particular passion, awakening his dormant limbs. Alec tried to move his legs, to swing them over the edge, but they remained stubborn even as he tried to focus solely on their movement. He exhaled, completely exasperated, his head falling back against the pillows in momentary defeat, eyelids closing.

After a few deep breaths, Alec spoke up, facing the ceiling, eyes still shut "How- wh- h- how could..." It was still a barely there sound, but Magnus heard it. Alec was struggling to get his voice to work properly for one moment. It was frustrating him further.

More silence came over them as Alec tried to regain his voice.

"How could you?" It was still small, but unbroken. He turned his head, facing towards Magnus. "How _fucking_ could you?"

Now, there was sufficient venom in the husky words. That was not to say that they did not scratch their way up and down Alec's throat as they left, leaving his mouth with a lingering, filthy taste. He winced, the pain stinging in his eyes too.

Tense seconds ticked by, Alec breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling almost too dramatically. He felt like the world was closing in on him, pressing him down into the small expanse of the bed. If that did not terrify him enough, his non-responding legs certainly did.

Futilely, he grappled with the bed sheets. He lost count of how many times he tried to swallow down the strange obstruction in his throat. It did not help that Alec felt like someone was watching him, and it was not just Magnus, rather, hundreds of eyes observing from unknown places watching him struggle with himself.

He was at the beginning of panicking again.

"What are you doing here?" Alec ground out with clenched eyes.

Magnus said nothing.

Frustration was filling him like water in a balloon.

Alec snapped.

"What gives you the _fucking_ right to be here?" Alec physically lifted his leg from under the blanket, placing it close to edge and then taking the other one, copying the movement. He slid himself off the bed until his toes regretfully came into contact with the linoleum, still gripping onto the bed with his hands. The cold shot through his nerves, up his legs.

The mixture between his boiling anger and fumbling to move took up all of his concentration.

Experimentally, Alec released one hand from the bed, checking to see if his legs would give out. "Get out of here." He stumbled and quickly made to stable himself with that free hand.

The trembling in his legs was slowly dissipating, he could now rearrange his focus.

"Get out." His voice was much stronger too, becoming something Alec could actually recognize. It was hard and angry.

"Didn't you hear me? Get _out_!" Alec placed a hand on the drab bedside table, transferring the weight to that side, hoping his legs would permit the movement. His grip was strong and determined. He pressed one foot forward. Every movement generated a strain in his muscles that teared at his limbs, making it difficult to control them properly.

"I don't want you here! Leave!" He shouted this time, reveling in the strength of his voice.

Alec was quivering head to toe from anger and pain, it sapped the energy from him drastically. All too soon his breath was laboured, his chest expanding and contracting wildly, it matched the look in his eyes.

Once he made a few steps, he was met with the decision of going forwards without any external support or returning to the bed. To regain some energy, Alec rested heavily on the bedside table, allowing it to support him more than his legs would right now. He made sure to watch Magnus through it all.

Weakly, Alec ambled toward him.

"Do you think it's some kind of joke? That you can be here? L-looking at me like that. Liked you actually _cared_ about anything." Alec's hand graduated from the table to the wall, but he underestimated its distance. The floor was unsteadily underneath his legs. Both disagreeing with the movement and he fell toward it, the rest of his body slamming against the wall painfully. He winced. It knocked out what little breath he had gained.

They both stared at each other from their adjacent walls. Alec in a completely pathetic state, where a baby giraffe could stand better than him and Magnus silently observing with swimming eyes. Alec pressed into the wall, finding it was the only solid thing he could rely on at the moment. His hand was splayed out across it and he turned his cheek against it; something he would have done in the crook of Magnus' shoulder but that no longer was an option.

They were still quite far from each other, but Alec was determined to get there and make his point. He purposely worked on his breathing as he tried to collect all of his thoughts.

"How? How _could_ you do something like that?" Alec breathed, eyes closed. When his eyes did open he had new-found strength. "You won't even tell me _why?"_His voice broke on the last word. Not from a rough throat, but pure emotion. It caused his eyes to press with tears. As they closed again, the first tear fell down his cheek. "I hate you."

He pushed off from the wall, screaming, "I hate you!" again, the sound reverberating nicely, bouncing around the room before returning to him. He took a few steps, his eyes burning with obvious fury.

Alec did not get particularly far, there was a burst of movement then a collection of strangers were coming for him, grasping at his arms, pulling them backwards. He briefly twisted his head to look at the unknown people, but returned back to Magnus.

"I _hate_ you!" He was pulled backwards slightly, despite his own thrashing.

"Go away!" Alec screamed louder than before.

Magnus' hand moved a fraction as if he were about to get involved, like he was aching to do something but internally told himself to stop. It was a short, sharp action, easily lost in the chaos.

Alec saw it. "Don't _touch_ me!"

It was enough to stop Magnus' movements. He pressed more firmly into the wall, continuing his distraught observation.

Alec fought hard, staring at Magnus the whole time, ignoring that there were other people around him. To Alec, it was just him and Magnus.

Tears were flowing freely between both boys now.

"Alec," It was the first time Magnus had spoken at all. It was despondent, held down by a conflicting conscience. "I love you. Just _listen_ to me."

"No! It was you! Everything is _your _fault!" Alec yelled, pulling against his restraints to advance on Magnus. It was really tiring him out, but there was no way he was going to back down now. The burning anger inside of him blossomed spectacularly and he had not felt this able ever before. It was like a channel had been switched and he no longer lived in black and white. He was fueled by his emotions.

Magnus watched with a hand pressed firmly against his mouth so he would not sob outright. He saw Alec battle with more than just demons right there. He looked upwards, attempting to dispel the harsh tears, but knowing it was impossible.

If Alec was not screaming hurtful words to Magnus, he would simply protest loudly, drowning out any chance Magnus would have to speak up. The more he struggled, the harder the pressure on his limbs became, but he could not fathom why his arms were hurting or why he could not move closer.

"Alec, _please._" Magnus urged, failing to control the step forward he took. Again, his hand itched to reach out for Alec. Magnus' voice was clouded by the tears that fell steadily down his face, he had to make an effort to speak his words clearly or else they would sound like a choked mess.

Alec did not reply.

He jerked and rebelled with passion, hoping to escape so that he could reach Magnus and make him feel as horrible as he felt, to stare at him while he felt his own world crumble. If Magnus was allowed to lie to him, then Alec was going to hurt him with the truth - he did not think he could possibly harbour so many emotions towards one person.

Pain shot up somewhere in Alec's body and he screamed, quivering as it rippled through him. Through the tears, he pushed his head up to keep his eyes on Magnus. He could not explain why he wanted to see Magnus through it all; maybe to show him what he had done to him or to watch the emotions unfold across his face.

Alec staggered some more, tripping over his own feet repeatedly. It sounded noisy, but a muted kind of sound, filtered through a number of pillows or drowned underwater.

There were many unspoken words in that gap between them. Majority were probably unnecessary, but a lot was also left unexplained. Again, they needed each other. But, for the first time, it was unbalanced, stemming from hurt and anger and neither was going to find solace right now in this room.

All the moments of love, laughter, understanding and care shattered on the floor at their feet.

Seeming to realize this, Magnus took one last look at Alec, his eyes containing so many questions, answers and emotions then said, "I just wanted to make you better." Immediately, he left through a door that Alec had not noticed was there before. It was wide open.

He had gone **************************************–** just left **************************************–** leaving Alec alone.

He sagged like a sand bag, dropping to his knees in the hands of faceless people. Everything hurt now, not just his limbs, but his head, it was pounding mercilessly, too much blood rushing around **************************************–** or maybe not enough. His heart ached terribly. It was not like he wanted to feel this way, but Magnus always managed to make him feel things he never expected.

It did not even seem possible enough to actually comprehend properly. His heart tore more at Magnus' absence now. It did not make sense but nothing seemed to anymore. How could he feel an ache at the loss of Magnus? He did not even want him around any more.

What Alec did not see were nurses trying to hold him back and calm him down. He felt tremours up his spine and sticky phantoms grasping onto his wrists and arms, but saw nothing, just the space Magnus once occupied. Alec is revolted, a disgusting feeling settling in his stomach, like these invisible beings were trying to pull him underneath a thick layer of smoke to silence him.

He did not want to be silent.

Alec's head dropped between his shoulders and more tears dropped to the linoleum with soundless splashes.

He became a lifeless weight, a broken doll, kicked aside with no one to love him, stuck in an unfamiliar environment that was meant to be accepted and lived in without objections.

Pain slowly stopped being registered and Alec did not have the brain capability to realize if it was because he was getting used to the feeling or his body was shutting down. He could not summon any more spontaneous energy from anger, there was no target to direct it at anymore.

Up close, the were more flaws in the linoleum than Alec had initially expected. A lot of things were proving to be like that lately.

Vaguely, Alec recalled a pull in his arms but his eyes were starting to feel heavy and it sounded like a very good idea to just shut his eyes momentarily.

He guessed he was shutting down.

**Hope you liked it, more will definitely be explained soon.  
Again, thank you to all the reviews and favourites from the last chapter! You guys rock.  
****Mistakes are my own.  
****Please review to tell me what you're thinking!**


	15. Half Like a Blessing, Half Like a Curse

**Hi! I'm back with the next chapter!  
****Where is my lovely Alice? What would I do without her? I'd probably be lying somewhere in the fetal position.  
****Check out her fic "I Wish We Were Butterflies" - she has a way with words, dammit.  
****I freaking forgot in the previous chapter, but 'Misery' by The Maine is practically what this story is built upon. It works for both chapters, and the next one.**

**Chapter 14 – Half like a blessing, half like a curse.**

9th of May, 2012 (Wednesday)

Alec turned, his face coming into contact with the chill of the unoccupied side of the pillow and the slight scratch of overused linen on his cheek. The sheets rustled between his stretching legs as they worked to iron out the aches he could feel. His arms felt particularly bad like they had been locked in place for far too long.

He opened his eyes to a vaguely familiar room. It was a place he thought he should know where he was and he actually did know but it would not come to mind. It was a very dull room, he could not imagine why anyone would enjoy being in such a place, but then the thought struck him – perhaps it was not a place that was meant to be enjoyed.

The bedside table was empty of any personal touches, painted roughly and nailed to the ground. It was an odd observation but Alec did not question it.

Alec stretched out more on the bed, rolling his muscles and twisting his body into odd angles, waking himself up further in the process. It felt like he had had a decent night's sleep, but there was still that arguable overall pain in his body. The same one might feel after a day of intense exercise, but this pain had no reason to be proud of, it was just _there_.

His gaze fell on a sight across the modestly sized room.

Magnus.

He stood there against the wall observing Alec, taking in the slightest movements and emotions.

"Hi."

Magnus nodded slowly – carefully – his eyes still trained on Alec. "Are you okay?"

"I think so," Alec replied, his voice still a little sleepy, "I mean, my body is sore for some reason. This place is a little weird." He gestured lazily with his hand; it summarized the extent of the room accurately. "Come over here."

Again, Magnus eyed Alec cautiously as if he were approaching a wild beast. Alec had since turned his body more so he could see Magnus better and was looking at Magnus with an expectant expression. He stepped forward, hesitated a little, and then let the next foot come forward.

Alec smiled.

But his smile faltered a little when he saw how Magnus was acting and he tried to bring to mind what could possibly cause him to be like that.

Nothing came to mind.

Literally nothing. Alec couldn't think of anything. He panicked and grasped at the sheets.

"Magnus, what's going on?"

Magnus did not answer right away. He sat down on the edge of the bed Alec was lying in, the bed sighed under his weight and Alec scooted back to give him more space to sit on. Magnus smiled sadly at him and raised a hand to brush some of his bed-hair away from his forehead, the motion finishing with a caress of his cheek.

Alec warily sat himself up further, pushing his pillow back so it supported him. Unconsciously, he was also moving further away from Magnus.

Magnus realized this and reached out for Alec's hand. "Oh no, love. Don't."

The hand on top of his was so warm that it traveled up the length of his arm, soothing every nerve. Regardless, Alec still had a hint of apprehension in his eyes. He could not explain why. Magnus was not dangerous, he knew that. There was nothing alarming about the room, he could see that. So why couldn't he shake the feeling of a certain 'wrongness'? Like he was being left out.

He let Magnus take his hand, bringing it closer to himself and encompassing it in both of his own. For a moment, Magnus just stared at their hands, smoothing his fingers across Alec's palm, fingers and knuckles. "I need to tell you something."

"Okay." Alec allowed gently, hoping that whatever Magnus had to say would have the power to settle him.

Magnus motioned for Alec to move out of the way so he could bring his legs up to the bed; they curled underneath him for now. Alec took one last glance around the room before setting his eyes on Magnus properly.

"This might be hard for you to hear right now, but baby, you have to promise me that you'll let me finish." He took both of Alec's hands this time. "I don't know how else to say it..." Magnus was obviously struggling with his words. He constantly looked down or toward the window instead of Alec's eyes. "Look, I love you, okay? Just... remember that."

Alec nodded slowly, confused about where Magnus was going with everything.

The other boy leaned forward, pulling at Alec's hands a little to bring him forward too. He connected their lips in a light kiss, quickly sitting back on to his legs. Alec felt a little light-headed after it, despite the short duration.

Magnus sniffed, preparing himself. "Alec, Max died in a car accident." He said the words slowly, trying to gauge Alec's reaction as each word passed his lips. "H–he died on impact."

Alec tensed immediately, not expecting Magnus to say anything remotely like that. It explained the strange feeling in his chest. He could not understand why he hadn't remembered it though. It was hardly something he could forget. Vaguely, he could recall the emotions from a time he once experienced – it was like reliving the feelings with a sheet in between. The knowledge of Max's death did not fill the emptiness inside him; it tugged harder at the gaps, drawing them open so that they ached.

He lowered his head, looking to his lap instead of the boy sitting across from him. Magnus reached out and lifted his head up a little, swiping a thumb across Alec's cheek, erasing some of the tears he did not realize were falling.

Alec hesitantly lifted his eyes to meet Magnus'; the blue was swimming with sadness and confusion. "I don't understand, Magnus. How did I not know about Max? He–he's my brother." His eyes flicked around again, returning to Magnus, when he spoke his voice a little more on edge. "Shouldn't I know? Why didn't anyone _tell_ me? I have to–" Alec had started scrambling to get out of the bed, more tears falling onto the sheets.

"No. No, Alec. Stop." Magnus grabbed his wrists and firmly stopped Alec's frantic movements. "Alec, you were in the car with him. You were _driving_."

Alec stilled, swiftly shooting his gaze to Magnus. "What do you mean? No I wasn't." Anger slowly clawed its way up from Alec's stomach. "Magnus. Let go of me." He could feel its heat spread throughout his chest, acting as a false substitute for his loss.

"Alec," Magnus breathed, fighting to keep a hold of Alec. "You need to listen." When Alec showed no signs of listening, Magnus put more force in his tone. "Look at this room. You don't even know where you are, right? You think you do, it looks familiar, but you can't place it. Aren't I right?"

Alec deflated a little, Magnus had accurately described exactly what he was feeling even though, he realized, he could not have pinned it himself. He sank back against the pillows, wiping at his eyes, which were itchy from his drying tears, but also threatening to start up again.

He felt a twinge in his head, signaling an imminent headache. Out of habit, he shut his eyes, hoping to ward it off. His headaches were always the worst. They pounded one area of his head incessantly until thinking was not an option. It was better that way, though. Thinking, or any kind of brain work, just spurred it on.

Right now, there were voices in his head, matching the rhythm of the beats against his skull. He could only capture words that were complete nonsense; some times he could connect a person to a word, like they were the one who had said it.

Upon opening his eyes, he saw Magnus staring at him worriedly; it was followed by words that echoed in his head. Words that belonged to Magnus even though his lips were not moving. "_It was me, Alec. I made sure Max got hurt."_ There was no disputing that was Magnus' voice in his head. He could recognize his voice anywhere. Alec gasped, connecting pieces together.

It wasn't a normal headache; it was his memories, all broken and disorganized, returning.

Alec's eyes widened. "No." He breathed. "It was you. You did it."

Magnus looked alarmed and before Alec could react, he grabbed for Alec's wrists again. "No–"

Alec did not let him continue. "Why did you tell me that I did it? Why would you do something like that?" He pulled his hands to his chest, attempting to resist Magnus. "Are you _that_ insolent?" His voice rose to a shout, despite them being in very close proximity of each other.

Alec was awash with emotions, but sadness was long forgotten. Alec wanted an explanation for Max's death. It was the only thing left that he _could_ do. Nothing else would change, that, Alec was sure of. He was sick of tears and how meaningless they were, something told him that he had spent too much time with tears and that got him no where. He could not go on having done nothing. It seemed pointless now, even when the truth was being hidden from him, but it still had to be done.

The sheets and blanket twisted around his ankles restricting his movement while Magnus still held onto his wrists. "What are yo–" he yelled, earning a greater struggle with Magnus. The other boy acted quickly to immobilize Alec. It was difficult, both of them rather equally matched, but Magnus seemed to be more experienced. Under different circumstances, Alec would have figured he was used to it.

_"Magnus!"_ Alec started again, but the name was cut of when Magnus rearranged his hold so that both of Alec's hands were held down by one of his own and he could use the free hand to clamp down on Alec's mouth. They clambered around on the bed, Alec was desperate to find an avenue to use to his advantage, but it was slowly becoming evident that Magnus clearly had the upper hand. Magnus remained serious the entire time, his face creased in concentration.

Alec had to admit that he felt the icy tendrils of terror slip down his back – stopping him – as he had no choice but to look at Magnus holding him down and silencing him. Again, there were tears wetting his face; a product of fear and anger.

Magnus leaned in close. "You're going to have to be quiet, unless you want them to come in."

He didn't know who _they_ were, but if the shudder that rolled down his spine was any indication, Alec knew that he did not want them coming in to the room. It seemed like his body knew more than he did right now.

Alec continued to resist, pushing at Magnus and twisting in the hope of freeing himself. Magnus, seeing that now was the only time he would get, started talking, "Look, Alec, its true. It wasn't me. You lost Max in an accident that you were involved in as well. But," Magnus looked down, not wanting to continue, "but you couldn't take it. So here I am. To make you better. You wanted me in your life to help you and take on what you couldn't."

His blood ran cold. Something was clutching at his windpipe. Nothing was right.

"How can you say that?"

Through the haze of his own confusion he could hear Magnus talking. "Let me just explain everything to you, uninterrupted. That means you'll have to be quiet. I won't touch you if you don't want me to, just let me talk. That's all I want, Alec." His voice was wavering while he surveyed Alec. "Please."

He was quiet long enough for Magnus to accept it as a 'yes'. First, he got off of Alec, returning to the edge of the bed and pulling the sheets away from Alec's feet so they no longer were a twisted mass. Alec observed silently, a furrow in his brow at the sudden change in Magnus' demeanour. He was incredibly business-like, doing what needed to be done and progressing from there.

Everything about him was exactly like the Magnus he knew, but, at the same time, this side was completely unfamiliar to him.

Magnus invited Alec to sit next to him and he willingly accepted, scooting over but ensuring that they were not touching. That was also unfamiliar to him, he had to fight the urge to draw up close to Magnus and rest his head on the other's shoulder. God knows he wished he could still do that. Now was one of those times that he would, where he'd just talk with Magnus because he was the one that understood and gave the right advice. But now, Alec was lost and all he had was Magnus to look to, just this time he was not sure if it was the right thing to do.

It was so hard to decide when Magnus seemed the same, yet not, all at once. It was the finest line that divided him. For so long he had placed his trust in Magnus and how could he let it all crumble now? Granted, it was a serious situation. A serious situation that Alec knew nothing about.

"Do you want to start?" Alec said, punching out the words, but hoping he did not sound too harsh. His knuckles rubbed up and down on his thighs nervously.

Magnus sucked in a breath, preparing himself. "I am telling the truth. You were in a car accident with Max. You were the only one to survive. I would show you your wounds, but it's been... a while and you healed seamlessly. There was a huge gash across the side of your head. You were driving Max home from school late at night, he was preparing for a school production." Despite just saying he would not touch Alec, Magnus took Alec's hand, wrapping his fingers tightly around Alec's cold ones.

It was like consoling someone for a loss entirely disconnected from you. Magnus was more emotional than Alec would have expected, and he was frightening himself at the lack of his own emotions. He was numb.

"You were out for days. They were so worried. But when you woke up and found out about Max you were totally different. Hollow. Unresponsive. Lost. You never mentioned it, but you blamed yourself for what happened to Max. Slowly, that washed over your thoughts, strengthening it, building a truth that was non-existent just because you told yourself it was true."

Brief flickers of images came to mind, but Alec could not collect anything useful. For all he knew, what appeared in his mind may not have been real. Because wasn't that what Magnus was saying? His life was no longer his own. It was used as scaffolding for something else that had simply become familiar to him through repetition. Whatever was real had been covered over.

"You fell, under your own made-up beliefs, and you couldn't take the blame any longer. I came, and you were better. I became your friend and unconsciously you unloaded on to me, with your doubts and secrets, until you gave me Max's death to take responsibility of. You wanted me to take the blame. You've convinced yourself enough that that is the extent of your memories – when you do actually remember them." Magnus ended quietly then, directing his eyes elsewhere as if he felt that he had said too much.

Everything lingered heavily in the air. Alec was frozen. He stared out in front of him, not registering anything in his vision. Was this something he could accept? He trusted Magnus, but there was nothing available for him to check if it all added up.

His own memory put him against the one that was perfect for him – telling him that he hurt Max. But Magnus had told him the exact opposite. Where did that leave Alec? Both ways had questionable conclusions.

Alec pulled away from Magnus, dragging his knees up to his chest, keeping a solid barrier between them. Magnus noticed, but chose not to mention it, though the action tugged at his insides. He could feel the chill that had descended on to the room and practically see the cogs turning in Alec's head. He looked blank, and Magnus could not tell if it was a good sign or a bad one. It was better than acting out violently.

Magnus could not impose his presence on Alec any longer, but more than anything, he wanted to be there for him – so he was not alone. He shifted a little to increase the distance between them, so as to make Alec more comfortable. He was stuck between running and staying.

It was like entering a room blindly for Alec, he couldn't tell which one was the right decision or if there was a right decision to be made at all. His stomach knotted at the thought of Magnus, releasing more doubts, but, he felt absolutely nothing for the story Magnus had provided. Did that mean it was a lie?

All the confusion crowded around Alec menacingly. "I–I didn't, I could not have done something like that and just passed it on to you like some unwanted gift." He could feel panic returning and he could not do anything to stop it. For a moment, he unconsciously wished that Magnus would come and make everything clearer or simpler, like he always did. But it struck him that Magnus was sitting right next to him and everything was different. It added to the heavy feeling in his chest.

A hand threaded with his own against his knee. Alec could see that the hand was connected to Magnus, but he was still gazing away.

He felt the pressure in his chest lighten a little, sending calming messages across the rest of his body. It was the sure-fire way to ease an oncoming panic attack before it hit. Without realizing, Alec gave Magnus one of those smiles that they had shared often.

It just did not seem right though. Immediately, he had to retract his hand and rearrange his smile, feeling the loss in his palm as if it weighed nothing now.

They sat in silence, but it was a sad and uncomfortable silence. There were too many unspoken thoughts obstructing the space between them. The room was too crowded for the both of them. There was more than just them inside the room. It held all the misunderstandings, beliefs, doubts, hopes and questions that would go ignored. They hung idly around the boys, mocking what they once had and creating a divide between them.

Always the first to move, Magnus eased off the bed, intending to leave Alec with the silence. It was a lot to take in, if he took any of it in at all. It would be best to let it all settle in, if he could trust that Alec would remember anything.

A hesitant hand rested on the crook of his elbow. Alec looked up to Magnus. "What happens to you?"

The words scraped out of Alec's throat against his better judgment. Amid everything, he still cared about Magnus. It was an absurd thought, but it was still true. Their trust clung together in giant fragments, wishing to be mended for good, but it was still too soon and sensitive, Alec knew that.

Magnus' face was unreadable. "I don't know. I'll be here. If you want me to."

Alec decided that he liked that idea. It may not exactly be the same, but Magnus did make him feel more at ease. He was _still_ Magnus.

"But, right now," Magnus spoke up, a small grin that was a distant cousin of his usual smirk played across his face, "I'll give you some time to yourself. I think you need it."

Alec wanted to say 'no', but at the same time, Magnus was right. He could not have Magnus with him, he had to collect himself on his own. He nodded slowly and Magnus straightened up, standing to the side of the bed. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to the top of Alec's messy black hair.

On instinct, Alec closed his eyes, melting into the feeling that sparked a flow of memories. When he felt the pressure disappear, his eyes opened and Magnus was no longer there.

He looked around the large, empty room, not feeling compelled to leave, but wondering why he was actually there in the first place.

**So, I hoped you enjoyed it. Feel free to ask questions though.  
Thank you for all the reviews, you lovely people!  
Mistakes are my own.  
Please review, I'd like to know what you're thinking.**


	16. I Deserve The Truth

**Hiya!  
Alice was told about the idea many months ago and stuck with me. She's been incredibly supportive and has listened to all of my crap. A complete gem. Love you!  
****Thanks needs to be extended to MajesticStallion, who read the final copy, soothed my freak out, gave great advice and has simply been wonderful to me.  
This chapter was the one that started it all, it all came from this.  
****Here we go.**

**Chapter 15**** – I deserve the truth.**

13th of May 2012 (Sunday)

"You're back."

Alec was leaning up against the headboard of the bed that was slowly becoming familiar to him. His legs were folded up to his chest and his own arms crossed around his knees. Magnus was, once again, on the opposite side of the room. He had disappeared for a few days. Alec could remember that.

He had spent a number of days in the exact same position, wishing Magnus would come back, sometimes calling out for him, because, what else could he do? Alec just needed him back.

Those days were long. He tracked the moving shadows as the sun completed the day while he waited for Magnus.

Now, Magnus was finally standing against the wall again like he had been there the entire time.

"The medication you were taking was actually working. I couldn't get to you."

That sort of explained his absence.

Alec was beginning to understand where he was. Magnus opened his eyes a little more on his last visit. The time alone allowed it to all sink in. At first he rejected the idea and caused havoc, but they were quick to stop him.

It was better if he stayed where he was. Quiet and unnoticeable.

"Then I'll make sure they don't use it again. I prefer having you here. Despite... everything." It was an understatement, but Alec was not going to say it out loud just yet.

The statement hung heavily in the air.

Magnus looked curiously at Alec. "You remember?"

"I didn't hurt Max if that's what you mean." He fiddled with his fingers, tracing his nail underneath another, scratching out the dirt that collected there. "It's just... even though I know it was you. I–It's better with you here." He raised his head to make eye contact with Magnus. "Maybe, one day, I can forgive you for it." Alec was not really sure.

Magnus walked across the room in two easy strides, sitting on the bed. His hair was in lovely spikes that stretched out in glittery colours. His clothes looked well thought out, like they always did. Above all, Magnus looked quite calm, aside from the worry in his brow.

"Alec, you can't keep using me as the one to blame just to make yourself feel better. This whole plan to reconstruct a new memory of Max's death won't work. You drove the car. You made the wrong turn. It's okay. No one blames _you_."

Alec had no idea of what Magnus was saying, but it sounded an awful lot like the lies he had been told before. If he hurt Max, he would know. But it was definitely Magnus. He had told him himself in the hospital...

"I don't like this new medication." He said without thought.

Magnus blinked, his body pulling away from Alec just a fraction. "Why?" He said softly. "Because I'm more reasonable today? Or am I just pushier? Because I didn't come back as the Magnus you like?"

Alec pulled his arms so that they just crossed his chest and did not circle his knees. He looked down towards the linoleum, suddenly shy. "I prefer it when you just kiss me." He cleared his throat, keeping his voice small. "Listen when I ask you told hold me."

Magnus was quiet for a moment. The room seemed to drop in temperature.

"So stop taking this medication."

"You make it sound like it's so simple." Alec said, voice dejected, still not looking directly at Magnus. "They'll just force me to take it. They'll find out."

"Pretend." Magnus urged, pushing his knees up on to the bed. "Pretend like you're doing with me, how you're saying everything is fine as long as I was the one who did it to Max. Pretend it's not helping you, then they'll change it and maybe I'll come back as a Magnus that you'd prefer."

When he met Magnus' eyes, his eyes were shining with every memory they had shared. The blue in his eyes were impossibly blue; a product of the intense pain that ripped at Alec's heart from Magnus' words.

It sounded so selfish and wrong and something he could never do to another person.

Magnus shuffled over to Alec, dragging the rest of his legs up on top of the bed. He crossed them only when he was sitting right in front of Alec. The other boy made no complaint when Magnus gently pulled his hands away from him and flattened his legs out so that they were mimicking his own.

They sat across from each other, a complete mirror image, but total opposites in almost every way possible.

Magnus brought his hand forward and cupped Alec's cheek, letting his thumb stroke up and down along his cheekbone. He leaned in to the touch, forgetting the last time when Magnus had done something like that.

It seemed so long ago, but, then again, everything felt so long ago. Being in this place made Alec lose track of time. It fell through his fingers like water – how could he know if it was only rain or an ocean passing through.

His memories were not keeping up with him and it was hard to know where the solid, reliable ones stopped and the fragmented ones began. Even Magnus' past visits were choppy. Sometimes he just _knew_ Magnus had been there but he could not remember it. Other times he could remember the time Magnus was present but nothing else about the entire day. Those were the most frequent.

Magnus' hand slid down and around to the base of Alec's neck, the movement sent shivers down his spine. Carefully, Magnus applied pressure to coax Alec forward.

He fell into it, completely pliant under the guidance of Magnus' hand. He was putting all of his weight onto his feet and knees so that he could come closer. Magnus did the same, bringing their bodies closer until their faces were centimeters away.

Both of their lips were parted at the prospect of achieving the desired goal and their eyes had slid shut unconsciously. Alec could feel the ghost of Magnus' breath against his face, sending more waves of anticipation down his body. He could imagine that Magnus was feeling much the same.

The silence melted away to create a comfortable atmosphere. Now, it was just the two of them. Nothing could disturb and nothing would disturb them. They simply had each other and that was more than they could ever want.

Their lips brushed against each other, giving the first taste of what was to come, but they both held back, waiting for the other to close the gap. It was a heavy moment of waiting, teetering on the brink of one final action.

In the end, they both let their lips meet gently in the middle, pressing together in a warm, familiar kiss.

Magnus brought his other hand up to Alec's face, framing it and deepening the kiss. They moved together fluidly, tilting their heads ever so slightly to get closer. Alec rested his hands on Magnus' shoulders, his fingers grasping at the material there.

It was all incredibly natural; the heat skipping across their skin, the sparks transferring to the other and soft kissing sounds. Alec was drowning in the feel of Magnus near him, for too long did he have to settle with a simple touch, even if at a different time he did not consider kissing Magnus. But, he was doing it now, and he could not think of anything else he would rather be doing.

Magnus pushed up on to his knees, causing Alec to join him so that they could continue kissing at the same level. Alec loved the feel of Magnus' lips against his own. The soft pressure encouraged them onwards, reaching for new parts of each other that they had not touched. Fingers slipped along soft material and charged skin, not considering for one moment to cease their movements.

Alec's mind cleared as it fogged up with the kiss, if that was even possible. Magnus was everything. There was no question in that statement. He was an indescribable force in Alec's life and without him there was nothing much to hold on to.

He whimpered quietly.

The kiss was soft and measured. Gentle open mouthed kisses were shared between the two; against lips, temples or the expanse of necks. They kept an unchecked pace. It was comfortable. Magnus would kiss at the curve in Alec's neck and Alec would pause slightly and shudder as he tried to take in more needed air. Alec would return the favour, running his nose along Magnus' collarbone, dropping kisses along the way before teasing Magnus at his lips so it was _that_ much more satisfying when they connected again.

They were yet to open their eyes, comfortable with finding each other without sight and trusting each other enough to continue. The experience was unreal, Alec did not want to open his eyes, not because he did not want to see Magnus, but keeping his eyes closed meant that it would remain real. Each touch was _more_ when sight was not limiting him. In many ways Magnus deserved it; sight alone would not do justice to the smooth slide of his skin. It was one thing to watch it unfold as you did it and something else entirely when you _experienced_ it.

It dissolved when Alec broke away, still keeping contact with Magnus because he did not think he could let go just yet. Enveloped in the intimate atmosphere, Alec's mind drifted, turning to the painful topic of Max – he was never far from Alec's mind anymore. It was quiet enough in the presence of the two of them for the thoughts to sneakily creep up on him, latching on to the background and growing.

"I wasn't driving the car." Alec whispered in their moment, speaking as if it were an everyday topic, like he was stating a fact. But it was kept quiet between them. "You killed Max so you could make me better." It was almost like a practiced mantra – one that Alec knew off by heart, but never examined closely enough to understand what he was really saying. Saying it for the sake of attaining the comfort any prayer provided.

Magnus gazed down to Alec's eyes. They were blank, staring straight ahead as if nothing before him held any great interest.

"Do you really believe that, Alec? Is that what you want?" He replied softly, lacing their fingers together and giving Alec as much space as he could without breaking what they had just built up. He pressed his lips to the underside of Alec's wrist, not really kissing him but feeling the gentle rhythm of his pulse running.

"I... I just–Wh–I think–" Nothing was coming out like he wanted it too. It was frustrating that Magnus could pose all these impossible questions and he couldn't string together two words without stumbling. How was he supposed to know? Hardly anything made sense and, if it did, Alec was not convinced that he could settle on it. It was a swirling collection of information, but he still had Magnus' words from before admitting it to him. It was from a completely different time.

His body tensed up, the frustration twisting deep in his muscles and he just hated feeling so lost and out of place all the time, like he was some stupid baby bird that smashed right into a window. Everything felt so taut with annoyance and confusion and hopelessness it was no wonder why he was tense.

"Shh." Magnus soothed, touching the ends of his hair, brushing it away and combing through it calmly like he was trying to placate a child. "It's okay. You're okay." Alec felt himself relax under Magnus' words and the feeling of his fingers skimming along parts of his body. They shifted around so that they were sitting at the edge of the bed, side by side, no longer able to be distracted by the other. Magnus still kept a hand twined with Alec's.

"No, Magnus. Is it really okay?" He pulled his hand away from Magnus, "I didn't do anything wrong and you think you can just say that to me?" He kept his voice even, as if they were still discussing facts. He was not raising his voice or getting angry, it just needed to be said.

Magnus straightened up as much as he could while in the position he was in, he was shaking his head, it was obvious that he was getting a little exasperated. "You made me do that. In your head. I hurt Max because you didn't want to face the fact that you two were in an accident. Max was lost, you survived."

"I like you around." Alec said out of the blue.

Magnus had the faintest hint of a smile playing around his lips, but something darker shadowed that moment of brief happiness. "Because you no longer feel the weight of Max's death, I _am_ making you better, but only in the way you want to be better, Alec." He paused, swallowing the next part of what he was going to say. Alec lost sight of his green eyes as they were hidden behind his eyelids.

Alec felt like he was slowly being smothered, everything felt heavy; bordering on the kind of uncomfortable that clutched at his throat and made it difficult to stay still.

It looked like he had composed himself when he lifted his gaze again. "Better, Alec. Better would be without me, where I was never a part of your life. This entire year," he waved his hand around ineffectively, "that you have created with me, you've spent it here; I met you on the nineteenth of August. Max died two days before."

It would have been easier to just accept that Alec liked Magnus there, with him. There were tears now falling steadily down Alec's cheeks. But easy was not the answer. That was exactly what he had been telling Alec. Everything looked better with the easy way out, but none of it was practical. No one could spend their lives forever under the cover of lies that only put a shiny gloss over everything.

Magnus stood up and turned in front of Alec.

Alec could see the wrinkles in the shirt he was wearing from being on the bed with him. Magnus took a step backwards and Alec gasped as if the movement physically pained him. He grabbed for the other's hand. Magnus pulled his hand out of Alec's reach just before he made contact, and it fell uselessly at his side, feeling empty at being rejected.

"Alec," his voice was smooth, gentle and quiet, but sadness still sat heavily in his words, "I'm not real."

More than anything, it sounded like Magnus was trying to confirm what Alec should already know, as if he had repeated himself over and over again and was finally growing weary of it all.

"It's all... in your head."

Alec wanted to get up too and shout at Magnus for saying something so ridiculous. His tears had clogged his throat, making it difficult to get anything out and he sagged under the meaning of the words. So he just stayed where he was, consumed by it all.

His body shivered against the cold. It was much darker in the room compared to when he and Magnus had first started talking. The shadows of the furniture in the room were only a darker grey in the all encompassing grey. His eyes had long since adjusted to it.

Magnus looked more beautiful in this kind of light because it rounded off his features nicely, shadowed areas gradually weakened until they reached a peak of the dull light and Alec wondered how someone could look so perfect. His colourful wardrobe dissolved into imperceptible shades, but his eyes remained like torches. Always being something Alec will gravitate to.

At that moment, Alec could see the sadness in Magnus' eyes, in how they curved downwards like the corners of his mouth. Alec figured that his own face was a blank mask, that it did not speak anything of the chasm he could feel in his chest, the only give away were the tracks of his tears that had, once again, stopped.

He wanted to ignore the sinking feeling that invited him to collapse in on himself, to return to the cover of his bed sheets and shut his eyes until the world itself disappears from his mind. He felt sleepy, but tried to fight against the draw of his eyelids. All around there were whispers that tangled up his thoughts and curled around with their deceptive intentions, leading him to stray towards false comfort.

Whether or not he did it to relieve Alec of his inner battle, Magnus indulged in one more kiss. It was soft and sweet and sad, clearing away some of the troubles that were nesting in his head. Magnus always seemed to know what he was doing and Alec wished he had that sort of confidence, but he was far too broken now.

Sadness continuously filled him up until he felt like he was drowning. Drowning every day, never having enough air to form a single clear thought, because he was too busy trying not to lose himself entirely.

His head came into contact with the pillow on the bed. Magnus had steered him so that he was lying down. He could hear doleful mumbling and realized that it was his own voice repeating, "It wasn't me," over and over again. It sounded lifeless and absent.

Magnus lifted his legs so that they were resting comfortably across the bed. As he was doing so, Alec feebly reached a shaking hand out to nothingness and said, "Stay with me."

There is a moment of unbroken silence and Alec cannot see Magnus from where he is lying. He did not hope for an answer. But maybe he still expected _something._

Behind him, the bed sunk under new weight and Alec could feel Magnus slip alongside him on the bed, his arm hesitantly coming over to wrap around Alec's waist. He dipped into the touch, closing the gap between them and leaning onto Magnus some more.

They were silent, reflecting on the feeling of just having each other so near. Magnus rested his head a breath away from Alec's, and he kissed down the back of his neck, along the curve of his shoulder to Alec's shoulder blade.

It is an innocent gesture, one intended to help lull Alec towards the prospect of sleep.

But Alec was still alert.

He could not shut his mind off.

Magnus relaxed and his breathing evened out.

Alec wanted to do the same, to just enjoy sleeping next to Magnus, but he would never be that lucky.

There were seven cracks on the adjacent wall and a stain on the linoleum. Alec wanted to be able to turn around so that he could face Magnus instead of the glaringly blank room, but he was already asleep and Alec did not want to wake him so he could move.

If there was a clock Alec was positive that the sound of ticking would agitate him more; but he was left with silence and that was worse.

The stillness of the room was a little unnerving. It was the kind that made you expect something was going to jump out at any moment because nothing could be that still without an ulterior motive.

He could feel the longing for sleep seep into his bones, making them heavy. But he could not settle enough to accept it.

It wanted him to fall under the layer of unconsciousness. It pulled at him with the promise of a peaceful mind, one with nothing to fear. But he knew it was a lie. He no longer felt the balance of the contentment he knew so well.

He never did.

And Alec found his answer.

"I did it." Alec whispered to the darkness, his voice wavering slightly but still unmistakable in the silence.

Nothing moved.

Everything remained as quiet as it had always been.

Something spread throughout him that finally felt right. He was not completely satisfied, but it was the beginning of _something_. He did not know what, but it felt better.

There was nothing holding onto his waist. A dull sense of a missing presence lingered, but Alec was already struggling to hang on to that thought. It was a dream slipping through his fingers.

Magnus was gone.

It was always going to be this way, Alec never wanted to acknowledge it so it could never be real, but Magnus could not stay anymore because he was no longer needed. They had skirted over the possibility, neither wishing to say it out loud. Maybe that was what kept Alec so determined to believe Magnus was the one who had done it – to keep him around.

He didn't have Max.

He didn't have Magnus.

He was alone.

Alec drew his knees up to his chest, tucking his chin in close, and cried.

**The end, guys!  
****Thank you for everything, I can't thank you enough. It was my first multi-chapter fic and you guys were so lovely to me.  
****Mistakes are my own.  
****Please pass on a final review. It'll be great to hear from you. Also, ask questions if you need to.  
**


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